Another Lockdown

 it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  we start another lockdown today at 5:00 p.m.  we get recorded messages from our mayor a lot.  i have stopped listening.  i have stopped watching the news.  i  have become a true isolationist.  lockdown doesn't really change my lifestyle one bit.  i still go out with the dogs everyday and i still take walks when i have the energy and i still go to the supermarket, pharmacy and health food store when i have money.

i see the kids when they can make it in.  i video chat and send videos all the time.  i cherish seeing their replies.  i missed seeing my one year old grandson start to walk.  it is what it is.  i pray that i can make it to his other major milestones in the future.  life goes on in this new covid world. everyone over 60 is invited today to get a shot.  i will not be going.  i did make an appointment to do a lung CT next month in the tel aviv area.

they found blood in my stool so now they are coercing me to do a colonoscopy.  i find it very troubling.  i know it is probably a hemorrhoid but the doctors aren't convinced.  i am tired of being tested.  i am tired of being given another health issue.  i recently went in for a yearly blood exam.  i was curious to see how my intermittent fasting and weight loss effected my body.  i did lower my sugar and cholesterol; considerably.  i had been fasting and not drinking so my blood pressure went sky high.  another health issue?  not really.  

i went home and stopped off at a friend.  she gave me water and calmed me down and took my pressure.  it had already dropped down a lot.  i read that dehydration can raise one's blood pressure.  too bad the nurse didn't know that and offer me a glass of water.  she actually, let me leave with a high enough rate that i could have stroked out.  we must all do our part and take responsibility for our health.  the professionals are too busy with the covid to give us the time of day now.  yes; if we want a vaccine or have covid or need a covid hotel; they are interested.

i didn't get my annual brain MRI this year.  travelling was out of the question.  i still don't know how i will get to tel aviv for the CT.  i did go to my oncologist in june by taxi.  a dear friend sponsored the trip.  i recently applied for my social security benefits.  they are so backed up that i will be lucky if i hear from them by summer.  i am trying to stay calm.  i have always followed the path of the least resistance.  i am invisible now.  i accept it.  i feel very lucky to have recently gotten free Netflix. the young lady upstairs, my daughter-in-law's sister; is using my wifi and she has netflix.  i suddenly got it down here.

i am happy for the simple things.  if i find organic almond milk on sale i am elated.  if my dogs both poop at the same time it's a home run.  my standards are pretty low.  right now it is freezing outside.  it's pretty cold inside, too.  no problem.  i simply add on more layers.  one great benefit to weight loss is that you can add on more clothes and still breathe.  life is good.  i am used to being alone.  i actually prefer it.  people exhaust me.  

i had a pretty brutal tooth extraction last week.  it left me; pretty much a basket case for two days. i am pretty much healed now.  it reminded me of the dustin hoffman movie, the marathan man.  you may remember lawrence olivier as the nazi dentist who tortures hoffman.  it was pretty brutal, just like my extraction.  i am pretty much over it now.  i doubt that my dentist will be working during the lockdown.  so, i am pretty much safe for the next two weeks.

i am planning on heading over to the local supermarket to stock up on some essentials.  i need dog food and almond milk and grains and tuna fish and chicken wings.  what a life!  it's all about the food.  last night i was seriously considering eating 3 chocolate bars in my fridge.  that little binge food voice was egging me on.  i haven't indulged in a year.  i felt violated.  i  needed to get it out of my house.  at midnight i ran out of my house.  i was headed for the garbage bin when i spotted my daughter-in-law's brother putting away his motorcycle.  he has recently joined the army.  he was delighted to be handed 3 chocolate bars.  close call!

i actually read that binge eating is an official eating disorder.  i suffered with it for years.  i thought that it was over but it sneaked up on me last night.  i actually mentally, relived the experience of a chocolate binge.  it felt very soothing.  alas, i still can remember acquaintances passing me by because they didn't recognize me since i gained so much weight.  my good friend and intermittent fasting sponsor; had nightmares about gaining back the weight.  she has lost a lot more than me.  she is actually, thin now.  i am still carrying an extra ten pounds or more.  it doesn't bother me.

Back for more

 it's been a wile since i blogged.  i haven't been near my computer in a month.  it wasn't intentional to take a break.  i just was out of sorts and couldn't be bothered going to the computer room.  i have been plagued with toothaches and headaches and have been fatigued.  i just took a break rom life after thanksgiving.  i guess i overdid it and needed some time to relax.  i was into some sort of hibernation period too.  i hardly texted at all.  i didn't even check my facebook messages.

Chanukah came and went; just as quickly.  i was alone for the first night of lighting.  it was eerie.  i was a bit depressed.  i went to visit a friend and ate a fried donut.  it was not sugary so i didn't feel guilty.  it was greasy and didn't feel all that great afterwards.  i had the shabbat meals with the sephardi family downstairs.  i missed my grandchildren.  i went to town and blew my money on gifts for the kids.

my granddaughter turned nine and my grandson turned one.  i bought expensive birthday gifts and spent a lot on the chanukah gifts.  i only get to see them occasionally now.  i thought about visiting them in jerusalem on chanukah but i couldn't get it together to travel on a bus.  it was a very surreal chanukah.  covid has put a damper on all of our holidays and family get togethers. 

last sunday; i decided to invite a couple of gals over for a latke meal. i always forget how hard it is to make latkes.  last year i made hundreds at the yeshiva but i had help.  i also made applesauce, greek salad, greek mini donuts and tomato soup.  it took me about four hours.  i was a bit frantic at the end.  it was the 12th year of my mom's passing.  i didn't go to the cemetery because it is not really popular to go on chanukah. i didn't even get to read some torah passages in her name, either.  i was really overwhelmed.  i had wanted to shower before the guests arrived.  it didn't happen.

i used cornstarch instead of flour to bind the latkes and i used too much.  the consistency of the latkes was weird.  they were like puffed potato pancakes instead of the flat crispy latkes.  i made tons.  i ended up eating about 15.  they were kind of small.  i struggled with the applesauce, too.  i actually had a problem with every component of the meal.  i had wanted to postpone the meal to the middle of the week because i wasn't really up to it; but one of the ladies had already arranged for someone to pick her up; so i forged on.  it was a bust.

we all ate in a rush and the gals left a little more than an hour later.  we didn't play dreidel or chanukah trivia or even commemorate my mom's passing.  i had a rum breezer and i got inebriated.  i was pretty miserable.  i felt awful.  i quickly did the washing up and got into pajamas.  it was only 6:00 p.m.  i gave out doggy bags of latkes and greek donuts.  i did enjoy bowls of the rich tomato soup the next day and the leftover greek salad.  nevertheless; it was a non event, as they say.

the grandkids came on wednesday and the real fun began.  the sephardi grandma made her famous couscous and chicken and we were all fed really well.  on thursday, she made sephardi fried donuts.  i indulged in a couple; once again i didn't feel guilty.  i recently had my weight and blood pressure checked.  my weight was okay but my blood pressure was sky high.  i t hink i was dehydrated when i went because i was fasting for my blood workup.  i  haven't been back since.  they are smack, in the middle of a massive drive; to inoculate everyone for covid.  i don't do vaccines.

i babysat for the one year old grandson on thursday for 8 hours.  he was under the weather, teething and overtired and wanted to go to sleep.  i was instructed by the 'clan' downstairs to keep him up. the poor thing was super overtired and desperate for a bottle.  i was discouraged from giving him a bottle until it was nearly 9:30 p.m.  he gulped it down but couldn't fall asleep until an hour later.  i was finished by then and just wanted to go to bed.  the two other grandkids were downstairs with their family.  my granddaughter came upstairs to sleep with me about midnight.

she woke up in the middle of the night and she was burning up.  i was sure that it was covid and that i was a goner.  i ran to get the rubbing alcohol.  i know it is frowned upon these days but i am old fashioned.  her young mother woke up and checked her and said she didn't have a fever so i went back to sleep.  in the morning she was cool as a cucumber; as they used to say.  i was slightly dead.  i didn't sleep much since they arrived.  i didn't have a moment to myself to communicate with the outside world, either.

the entire clan came for shabbat.  we were eleven adults, 6 children, two babies and four dogs.  it was loud and quite active.  i stayed downstairs for the entire time.  i was in a trance.  i couldn't sleep. i was on headache tablets and antibiotics.  i was snacking on roasted nuts and drinking hot tea.  i didn't go down for the third meal.  i was stuffed.  i made my own havdalah to end the shabbat and then the real fun began.  the family belated birthday party for my two grandchildren was underway.

it was chaos glorified until 11:00 p.m. then everyone went home and the kids went back to jerusalem.  i woke up the next morning at 8:00 a.m.  i was in a fog.  i cancelled my dental appointment.  i need to have two teeth pulled.  i was really out of it.  i was informed that my freind's mom has passed away.  i had a problem grasping the news.  i spent the morning making hospital appointments and got ready to go to the funeral.  after the funeral i went to visit my parents' graves.  i cried my heart out.  i wanted to walk over to where my sister was recently buried but i resisted.  all in all it was a hard day.

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Even More Thankful

it is 11:30 p.m.  i just took the dogs out for a stroll.  it stopped raining and it is actually pleasant outside.  it seems warmer. the air is fresh from all the rain.  it was pretty quiet.  my silver fox was sitting in front of a car near my driveway.  he stared at me from a distance.  he looked like a cat.  as i got closer i realized that it was the silver fox from the valley at the end of my street.  

he ran off but turned to give me a glance goodbye.  i guess he's hungry.  the dogs were already getting agitated or i might have looked for something to feed him.  i know that foxes can be rabid.  this one looks healthy; but then again, i am not an animal doctor.  let's just say he wasn't foaming at the mouth like cujo.  i wonder what foxes eat.  i bet turkey would have been to his liking.

i cooked and prepped for about seven hours yesterday and i put in another seven today.  i also cleaned the house.  i made the zucchini and string bean dishes and i made baked apples, a green salad and i made non dairy whipped cream.  i added almond milk to the soup before i heated it up.  i made the wild rice.  it was a first for me.  after it was cooked it was a bit hard.  i added more water and it didn't seem to help.  i wanted a pilaf so i sautéed some celery and scallions and added dried parsley.  i was out of shallots and onions. i should have added some turkey stock. it would have been so rich.  

 i set the table with an old linen tablecloth from the past with a pilgrim turkey motif.  it's funny but i don't remember this table cloth from my youth.  it has yellow stains.  i had a much better and newer, disposable thanksgiving turkey motif tablecloth in the pantry; but i decided to go retro.  i took out the old champagne glasses from the cabinet and used them for the rum breezes.  it was chic. the ladies came all dolled up.  i even put on some eye shadow and lipstick.  we were a legal party of 5.  we sat one seat apart from each other.  after a glass of rum breezes we were feeling no pain.  we were actually giddy and animated.  it was the first time that we all got together for a meal since the dreaded covid.  it was wonderful.  it was enchanting.  we kept on singing the old: "We gather together to ask the Lord's blessings".. traditional thanksgiving song.  we couldn't remember all of the words.

the food was so delicious.  the butternut, sweet potato and chestnut soup was to die for.  it was so hearty and smooth and healthy.  it was luxurious.  the corn muffins were fabulous. they were light with a taste of honey and made with whole wheat flour and organic rice milk.  the cranberry sauce was glorious.  it was so sweet and dark and rich.  i made it with dates and fresh orange juice and ginger and a splash of maple syrup.  i couldn't stop eating it.  it's better than store bought comfiture.  i can't wait to have some smeared on a corn muffin tomorrow morning.

the muffins are gone.  i gave the remainder to the ladies for a treat on shabbat.  i will gladly go back to my non sweetener regimen on shabbat morning with a bowl of ground oats, banana and dates.  i might just throw the rest of the cranberry sauce into the oats.  it's that good.  the teriyaki string beans was the hit of the meal.  i grated fresh garlic and ginger and added some honey to the store bought teriyaki sauce.  i reduced it somewhat and then added crushed peanuts.  it worked well.  i debated about using the traditional sesame seeds instead; but in the end i went with the peanuts.  good choice.

i loved the zucchini with canned organic tomatoes and basil but it was overlooked at the meal.  the turkey wings and drumsticks were scrumptious.  the gravy was heavenly.  the turkey meatballs were light as feathers.  i only added an egg and a bag of ground fresh parsley.  i only had one wing because i was busy eating all of the sides.  i didn't even try the salad.   i lost it on the wild rice.  it was addictive.  i couldn't stop eating it.  my friend, the picky eater, thought it was mushy.  i beg to disagree.  i thought it was just right and that it had the crunch of the al dente celery.  everyone else thought it was just delicious.

i made tahini sauce and a mustard, honey and garlic vinaigrette for the salad.  i served a brandy spiked coffee and a brandy spiked hot chocolate.  both were topped with non dairy whipped cream.  i then served the baked apples.  i didn't have room for one. i can have it for breakfast or i can add it to the oats for saturday morning.  i topped the apples with cinnamon and a splash of maple syrup and a drizzle of honey.  i also added a sugarless dried pineapple slice on each apple for texture.

we started eating after 4:00 p.m. and we were finished by 6:00 p.m.  we were all satiated and ready to get home and back into our jammies.  i am thankful that i have tasty leftovers for shabbat and that my house is clean and that i feel warm and cozy right now and that i don't have to do anything tomorrow morning and that i have been invited to eat downstairs tomorrow night.  i am even more thankful that i was able to host such a lovely meal for my friends.

Being Thankful

 it is 7:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i started cooking this morning at 7:00 a.m. and pretty much finished by 3:00 p.m.  i decided this month that i wanted to do a thanksgiving 'like' dinner for a few ladies.  i have been shopping for weeks for the traditional items.  i managed to find turkey wings and drumsticks.  i bought a package of ground turkey to make a stuffing.  i have never seen whole turkeys here.  our ovens are smaller than american ones.  there is no roast turkey happening here in safed.

i found frozen, uncooked, whole cranberries in town.  there is no ocean spray cranberries in safed that i know of.  we do have the nectar and juice.  i was lucky also; to find cornmeal.  sometimes they are all out at the supermarket. i wonder what israelis and sephardim do with cornmeal.  i don't know anyone except for americans that know what cornbread is.

i bought a butternut squash to use as a pumpkin substitute.  i am so through with trying to make pumpkin pies, latkes and breads.  i decided to make soup.  i also found fresh chestnuts.  no more packaged prepared chestnuts for me.  i  even read how to boil them first before roasting.  in the end; i made pumpkin, sweet potato and chestnut soup.  i didn't roast the vegetables or the chestnuts. i wasn't really that invested, in the end. i added a splash of almond milk and fresh ginger.  it is quite tasty.  i had two bowls of it.

i also made a sugarless cranberry sauce.  being true to my new dietetic lifestyle; i used dates in place of sugar. i did succumb and i added 3spoons of pure maple syrup to the orange juice and date paste.  the color is off but the taste is great.  i couldn't stop eating it.  i haven't used any honey or maple syrup in a year.  i did dip my apple in a splash of honey on  rosh Hashanah.  i have been using a banana for my sugar substitute all along.  i thought about adding one in the cranberry sauce but i chickened out.

i ended up; after a long deliberation; making cornbread muffins.  i used three tablespoons of honey and one tablespoon of maple syrup.  i made a dozen muffins.  i used whole wheat flour for a change.  i have been baking with oats all year.  the muffin was lovely.  boy, that honey goes a long way.  i really was hyper.  i marinated my beets already.  i made a pot of braised turkey parts and threw in some turkey meatballs.  i added the remainder of a semi sweet bottle of white wine and added fresh rosemary that i bought at the supermarket up here.  i also scored some fresh dried sage in town.  i bought some dried thyme, too.  i added a bit of tumeric for color; otherwise, i stayed true to the traditional thanksgiving spices.

i bought a package of organic wild rice at the health food store.  i want to do a pilaf.  i can't use mushrooms because one of the gals doesn't eat them.  i still have celery left and some chives.  i used up my remaining large onion and the rest of the tiny shallots. i want to bake some small pink apples. i will just sprinkle some cinnamon and drizzle honey or maple syrup.  i have a large bag of frozen string beans.  i wanted to ad almonds but i realized today that i had only bought ground almonds.  that might be good with the cinnamon for the baked apples, actually. 

i am not going back to the supermarket tomorrow.  it is supposed to rain all day and i am already coughing and sneezing a bit.  i decided to use some store bought teriyaki sauce on the string beans.  i already cleared it with my lady friend who is the picky eater.  i will sprinkle toasted sesame seeds on the beans.  i know that she will be disappointed that i don't add the almonds.  i am not making one more supermarket run again until next week.  i did think about buying a non dairy coffee creamer for a friend who drinks endless amounts of coffee.  we will see how the weather is tomorrow.

i don't really have a dessert planned.  i thought about making a trifle out of the leftover store bought honey cake in my fridge.  i bought a package of vanilla pudding and thought about stewing apple slices and then layering the glass with the cake, fruit and pudding.  my picky eater friend said that it sounded weird.  she also went off on vanilla pudding.  she is definitely a chocolate pudding person.  i thought about making my own chocolate pudding; using almond milk and cocoa.  let's wait and see how i am tomorrow.  

i washed all of my training and fleece pajamas this morning in the bathtub.  it was a sunny day.  i never thought that it would storm tonight.  they have been predicting winter weather starting tomorrow.  i panicked.  i was suddenly cold and didn't have any winter weight jammies to get into.  suddenly i discovered a pair of clean training pants and an old fleece housecoat from once.  i didn't shower.  i just put them on really fast.  i washed one pair of slippers but luckily; i had another pair.  finally, something to be grateful for: warm jammies and slippers!

Gonna Shop Til I Drop

 it is 7:00 p.m.  i am exhausted.  i went to a local bargain store yesterday to get some toys and treats for the kids.  they may be coming for shabbat.  i spent a small fortune.  i thought about putting some of the loot away for chanukah.  i keep hearing that there may be another lockdown for  chanukah.  i was thinking about travelling to jerusalem to visit during the holiday.  who knows what will be.  it is scary thinking about travelling on a public bus these days but my grandson will turn one on chanukah and my granddaughter will have her ninth birthday a couple of weeks before.

i might just buy their gifts this week and have the kids schlepp them back to jerusalem.  i can't carry anything heavy.  i have been shopping for a couple of days.  i got a bit of money from the government for disability and i have been enjoying; 'blowing' it.  otherwise; i am broke.  today i went to a an american second hand clothing store in the artist colony.  i have been wanting to do this for months.  i adore good used designer clothing.  i seldom buy israeli made clothes.

i used to work in a second hand clothing store and had the perks of the first picks.  in this store; almost every item was eight dollars.  i got a couple of very cozy hoodies, a jeans skirt, a corduroy skirt and a fancy dress skirt. i also got a fake leather black jacket and a very thin oversized sweater.  my friend said it didn't do anything for me.  she doesn't get how comfy and cozy it is to lie around in this sweater over my sweat pants in bed.  i wasn't planning on wearing it out but i might just do that under a coat.   i spent about seventy five dollars at this store.  it was really a room in a converted yehiva.  it once was a bedroom.

we spent three hours going through every single item on every rack.  we were the only ladies there.  we were elated as we found: Isaac mizrachi, old navy, jones of new york, h&m and other designer labels.  my friend did better than me.  she is also thinner and could fit into more things than i.  she also used to work in retail and she knows her clothes.  we schlepped our packages back to town and caught a bus home.  my packages were really heavy.  i wanted to take a taxi home but it was easier getting to the bus.  i was starving when i got home.  i had left the house after eating an avocado and a hand full of walnuts.  i had a cup of chai tea and ran out. 

i had planned o walk to town but it was too hot.  i wanted to check out another store to buy a few more chactchkas for the kids.  we didn't know if the second hand clothing store was open yet.  we went into a skirt store; first.  we then called the clothes store and found out that they were open.  we were so excited.  i got a bit lost and totally forgot where the yeshiva had been located.   we eventually found our way.  i can't believe that we stayed for three hours.  the lady made her day's rent on us.  between the two of us we spent about 127 dollars.  not bad for a used clothing store.

A good Week

 it is 6:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  shabbat ended abut an hour ago. it turned out to be a lovely, warm and sunny day.  the house is already freezing and in winter mode.  it was not so sunny in the morning.  it definitely looked like rain.  the dogs woke me up at the usual 7:00 a.m.  i took them out at 11:00 p.m. last night but it didn't stop them from getting me up early.  i was pretty tired this morning.  i usually go to bed early on friday night. i find that during the week; i don't make it to bed before 3:00 a.m.  since shabbat comes in at 5:00 p.m. now; it is very difficult to fall asleep right after the meal.

i do doze off during the day while i am watching television.  i tried very hard not to nap today.  i usually cannot fall asleep on saturday night.  i had my shabbat lunch at about 10:30 a.m.  i had chicken and mushy rice.  i had a huge bowl of raw oats with chopped peanuts, banana, figs and blueberries at 8:00 a.m.  i put it in the food processor before shabbat and made it into a paste like consistency.  i then added some coconut rice milk.  the local supermarket was all out of the almond milk.  i actually like the coconut rice milk but i think the almond is probably better for you.

i finished eating last night about 7:00 p.m. but i stayed and schmoozed with the clan downstairs until nearly 11:00 p.m..  everyone was noshing on candy and popsicles and nuts.  the amount of soda consumed was outrageous.  i had a cup of hot water with fresh mint.  i couldn't eat another thing.  i ate chicken wings and a chopped meat filled pastry before shabbat.  i was pretty full.  the pastry was made from spelt and quite filling.  it didn't stop me from partaking in a home made pita at dinner.  i had a bit of egg salad and a slice of tilapia with greasy carrots. 

i didn't leave my house last week except to take the dogs out.  it was a record rainfall.  in some places in israel it flooded.  it was also quite cold and windy.  i really enjoyed staying in all week and not having to brave the rain.  i stayed in bed and watched a ton of movies.  i have been holed up inside for nearly nine months.  most of it has been due to the covid.  i finally started taking long walks and then we had a monster heat wave and once again; we seniors were told to stay inside.  i sat shiva and went into isolation for a couple more weeks and then we had another lockdown for the jewish holidays.  i think i jut gave up after that and decided to stay in.

i decided to get out this morning and take a walk.  i met up with my friend from the neighborhood and we went over to visit another gal pal. i was dressed for winter and the sun was pretty strong.  i was very uncomfortable.  i actually, was pretty sweaty when we got back.  i quickly got back into sweats and lay down for a while with the pooches.  i got up and had a plate of cooked wheat from the cholent.  i saved the chicken for the dogs. it was very tasty.  the sephardi grandma added a bit of date syrup to the stew.

i just made a shake with a banana and some blueberries.  i thought i wanted it but in the end; i put it back onto the fridge for tomorrow.  i do want a snack but i think that i hit the peanut butter pretty hard already today.  i can't have a yogurt because i ate the wheat that was cooked with chicken. i also had my figs consumption earlier.  i do have cucumbers.  who knows?  maybe a cuke would be nice right now.  i need to go food shopping tomorrow.  i need fruit and more almond milk.

the kids might be coming for shabbat and i need to get some stickers and chatchkas and treats.  i am planning to go to town.  i haven't been there in awhile.  i might even walk there if the weather stays dry.  my granddaughter what's app'd me on thursday on her way home from school.  i was a bit embarrassed but i didn't know what day it was.  she didn't know how to say it in english but she did tell me that the next day was shabbat.  i was pretty shocked.  i thought that it might be wednesday.  oh well..... 

Living The Life

 it is 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i am living the life of an invisible elderly person.  i walk the path of the least resistance.  i go out two times a day to walk the dogs.  i don't go into town.  i don't use public transportation.  i hardly get dressed.  i avoid people and particularly, children.  i go to the local supermarket when i run out of chai tea or almond milk.  right now the store doesn't have any almond milk.  i bought a coconut rice milk last week.  it probably will be good in my baked oatmeal muffins or banana shakes.  i am not sure if it will tasty in my chai tea.

the health food store no longer receives pompadour or celestial seasonings teas.  i am desperate enough to buy the Israeli brand.  it is pretty weak.  i am forced to use 2 bags at a time.  it is also very expensive.  i pay $5 for 25 tea bags.  this is not something i am prepared to give up; although i do think about it.  how can i justify this spending on tea and almond milk? it sounds pretty ridiculous, i know.

i do not take walks anymore.  i pretty much stay in bed watching the food network all day.  my body aches.  i have managed to maintain my weight; which is miraculous considering i do not move.  i tend to eat all day long, too.  i try to start my nightly diet early.  i try not to eat after 7:00 p.m.  our shabbat starts these days around 5:00 p.m. so it is easy to stop eating by then.  i no longer limit my carbs consumption.  i have no muscle tone left on my body.  i am a thinner , more giggly, me.

 i am eating pretty simple foods now.  i have no patience to cook anymore.  i even started eating my oatmeal raw.  i pulse it in a machine with an apple and wheat germ and a couple of dates or dried figs.  today i added peanuts.  it is like a paste and then i add almond milk.  it is similar to muesli without the slivered almonds and raisins.  i also make chicken wings in a pot and add the rice and water.  i don't bother adding spices or even salt.  i share it with the dogs.  on some days; i eat almost all of the rice and give the dogs the chicken.  i like my large lettuce salads with hard cooked eggs, beets, walnuts and tuna.  i know, it's weird.  i have an apple and raw peanut butter every day.

yesterday i found a chocolate wafer in the street.  i wanted to eat it ;badly.  i saw it again this morning.  i was tempted to open it.  i managed to throw it out this morning.  i had a third of a can of barbecue pringles in the closet and thought about eating it.  i imagined myself doing a food binge.  it has been a year without food binges.  i am not a person who can have one scoop of Ben And jerry's or one piece of chocolate.  i am not cured.  i still have urges; like an alcoholic.  i simply speak to that inner voice that eggs me on to eat bad things.  i just tell said voice, that it will not be good for me in he end.  i will be broken if i gain back all the weight i lost.  i feel so much better without that extra bulge.

i simply do not give myself permission to hurt myself with food anymore.  and yes, some days i eat too much and on those days; i start my nightly fast earlier.  it is amazing to be able to fit in my clothes and not have to rely on elastic waistband skirts.  my clothes are getting larger these days.  yeh!!

Last week

it is 12:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  last week i started to blog again.  i didn't really have much to say but i felt compelled to try.  my son and his family came to visit last thursday.  the entire clan came to party with them.  afterall, they weren't here for the holidays this year.  the clan was.  i spent all of rosh hashana and most of sukkot with them.  i wasn't in the mood to be with them on thursday.  i was tired.  i hadn't slept the night before because i stressed over the kids arriving in safed.  i was so afraid that they might be fined by the police or sent back to jerusalem during the newest lockdown.

i straightened up the house and washed the floors. i made the beds.  it was surreal seeing the kids again.  i actually shouted to the sky a thank you. the baby took one look at me and started to cry.  he is ten months old and he doesn't know mw yet.  i guess i was kind of scary shouting like that.  the kids came in and checked the closet for their gift bags.  i managed to get to town to buy them stickers and mini LOL dolls and brawl star figurines and two model kits.

i also had tons of treats and food.  they don't usually eat up here when they come.  they usually run straight downstairs to eat with the sephardi grandparents, who are both ten years younger then me. i don't buy milk anymore because they usually drink their morning coffee downstairs.  i use almond milk in my tea.  the clan came shortly after they arrived.  everyone went downstairs.  i stayed at home.

there were kids running in and out of my house and my dogs kept getting out.  it was stressing me out.  everyone left after 1:00 a.m.  i think they ordered pizzas.  i didn't go down even to say hello.  i had spent the entire shabbat with them the week before.  i don't eat at night any more.  my grandson left to sleep at his cousins' house and i slept with my granddaughter on the television couch.  i was too tired to schlepp in a mattress.  it was good that the grandson left.  he didn't want to sleep with the dogs because they all have ticks right now.

my granddaughter fell asleep at 2:00 a.m.  i lost my sleep and finally passed out around 4:30 a.m.  i was comatose the net day.  sometime in the early afternoon i was left with my granddaughter and the baby. he finally got it that i was the cool and silly american grandmother who speaks a secret language.  he wasn't any bother to care for.  i made him some organic oatmeal with a banana, apple, peach and dates.  i discovered that i like my oatmeal raw now.  i was always a muesli lover.  i now process the oats and fruit together into a paste like consistency and add almond milk.

we had shabbat meals downstairs with the entire family.  one sister was MIA; stuck in another town with her infant son and medium sized dog.  i fell asleep with my dogs after midnight on friday night.  my grandson slept with his two male cousins in the next room.  the granddaughter slept upstairs with her aunt who has taken over the roof top apartment.  i had a really bad headache on shabbat.  i thought that my head was actually, going to explode.  i couldn't deal with all of the noise.  one of the 'adult' children had a meltdown.  i thought that i was going to end up  in the ER.  it was very hard to deal with.  i stayed upstairs on saturday.  i had had enough of the clan family.

i slept with the granddaughter on saturday night in the bedroom with the three dogs. the grandson had the privilege to sleep with the aunt upstairs.  everyone ate downstairs and i stayed in my house.  they left in the late afternoon on sunday and i went to sleep.  that was three days ago.  i have been sleeping ever since they left.  i haven't put the mattresses back and i haven't done the dishes.  i haven't left the house and i haven't spoken to friends.  i haven't texted.  i have been in a fog.  i did binge watch season 15 of grey's anatomy.  i thought it was awful and yet i watched all 25 episodes.  

i am planning on doing some hand washing tomorrow.  my machine is no longer connected downstairs. i was given another washing machine, which is upstairs in the kitchen.  i had hoped to make it my laundry room.  i no longer have access to the upstairs.  i just went downstairs and retrieved my laundry rack; which was borrowed last week.  i am feeling a bit overwhelmed. i hope that the sephardi family will find a new home.  after six months, the honeymoon is definitely over.

Listless In Safed

it is 3:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i stopped blogging.  i honestly, had nothing to talk about.  it was a long holiday period and i didn't get to see my grandkids.  i was a drone.  i spent most of the holiday sleeping.  it was hot and i was down.  i ate all of the holiday meals with the sephardi clan, downstairs.  i didn't put up my meager little 2x2 sukkah this year.  the men built a great big one out of wood downstairs.  i didn't really get a chance to spend time in the sukkah.  the sephardi grandpa set up the sukkah as his private study hall.  he ate all his meals there.  he slept there and he prayed there and he learned torah all day long there.

every year i can't wait until the first day of sukkot to go to my sukkah and have a cup of tea and eat a muffin.  i usually go to synagogue for services and return to my sukkah to serve a holiday lunch for me and a friend or two.  this year, i entered the sukkah downstairs and the grandkids were coming in for hot chocolate.  the grandfather was ready to make kiddush; having prayed for hours since 5:00 a.m. 

i sat down quietly and opened my prayer book.  there were two sons-in-law sitting at the table with the grandfather.  i never sit at the table with the men.  i usually sit with the children and ladies.  i felt awkward but i wanted to pray in the sukkah.  there were grandkids coming in and out of the sukkah so i was never actually alone with the grandfather; who is ten years my junior.

i deeply regretted not having put up my sukkah.  some of the female members of the family ate inside the house.  they were much more interested in being together and gabbing; than sitting in the sukkah for the meal.  it was also shabbat; which made it even more restrictive.  the next morning, i walked over to a large synagogue and sat outside in the shade and prayed by myself.  it was nice to hear the men pray and sing.  it almost felt normal.  but of course, it wasn't.  i guess it is the new normal.  i have decided to maintain a low profile.

i went to the local supermarket this morning and shopped with a passion.  i filled up the freezer with chicken.  i do very little these days except: eat, sleep and watch t.v.  i have virtually no exercise except for walking the dogs.  i did meet my friend this morning and we trekked over to the bank.  we also went to the pharmacy.  i ran into the health food store for a moment and bought two bags of organic oatmeal.  i have been eating a lot of oatmeal lately.  i like cooking it with dates and apples and bananas.  i also love adding tons of cinnamon.  that whole venture took about 40 minutes.  i came back and fell asleep.

i don't do much cooking or baking.  i did make chicken wings and rice for me and the dogs this evening.  i actually, cooked it for the dogs and ended up eating a portion.  i didn't add any spices or salt.  i did add the remainder of a can of baked beans and some black pepper for myself.  i wasn't in the mood to eat today.  i ended up fasting for about 18 hours.  i didn't have the oomph to cook so i had a yogurt with walnuts, pumpkin seeds and apples.  it held me until around 5:00 p.m.  i then had the chicken and rice and started my nightly fast early.  i managed to rid my body of all of the holiday overeating this week.

i felt much lighter this morning. my skirts are loose in the waistband.  i am managing with my meager wardrobe.  i could use a denim skirt.  one of these years, i will go to town and buy one.  for now i am okay.  i was lucky to have been given some clothes this summer.  losing weight is a big plus in finding clothes.  before, i couldn't find anything in my big size.  i put on the old exercise stretch pants and they fit just great.  it was pretty incredible not gaining weight during covid and the jewish holidays.  miraculous, actually.

All By Myself

it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i have been listening to cello music by Hauser all day.  i am a great fan of his.  i discovered him recently while i was mourning for the loss of my baby sister.  i searched the net for sad music.  his adagio by albinoni does the trick.  i posted several versions of this on my facebook page.  i love the lara fabian vocal.  it speaks to me.  i recently installed a facebook page.  it enables me to see pix of my family.  people don't send pix to individuals anymore.

 it was actually, quite cool in my house today.  i ran to the bedroom for a light jacket.  it was much warmer outside.  i washed a bunch of clothes in the bathroom tub.  i didn't want to go downstairs.  they are doing a lot of drilling.  i think closets are getting assembled.  my in-laws are moving in for the winter.  they have been searching for a new home for months.  they just haven't been successful in finding a large enough apartment without steps.  they want a four bedroom apartment.  the prices have gone sky high in safed.  they are asking amounts comparable to rentals in Jerusalem.

they are rearranging the downstairs apartment to fit their needs; finally.  if there was a half decent kitchen downstairs; they could move in permanently.  i have truly benefitted by having them downstairs during the corona and mourning period.  they kept me sane.  they listened patiently to me while i ranted for days on end.  and they fed me.  i am their shabbat and holiday guest almost every week.  their single adult daughter took the upstairs studio apartment as hers recently.  no one has used the space in years.

i thought that i could rent it to a nice single lady or medical student.  it just never happened and with corona; it won't happen for a long while.  they have adjusted to listening to my dogs bark at all hours which is no small feat.  the dogs have adjusted to the family downstairs, too.  i can't believe tomorrow is shabbat once again.  i just went to the local supermarket to buy some veggies.  i want to stay up here for shabbat.  i have a book to read and i want to be by myself.  i spent the entire holiday with the family and i need my peace and quiet now.

i will make a chicken soup and have the rest for the pre yom kippur fast meal on sunday.  i will also make two salmon fillets.  i will probably make rice or quinoa as the side dish.  i bought prepared beets and a small lettuce.  it will be simple.  yom kippur is supposed to be very hot.  the government is trying to shut down all praying in groups completely.  how will i get through yom kippur without hearing the traditional 'kol nidre' prayer at night.  rosh hashana was a bit of a bust and now this......

next shabbat is the beginning of the holiday of sukkot.  that is fine.  we eat and drink wine and sit in our outside huts.  it is a joyous time.  the family has already put up most of the sukkah.  it is massive.  there is usually around 20 or more people inside the sukkah.  i usually put up a small 2x2 meter sukkah.  it tends to shift with the wind.  it nearly flew away a few years ago.  it is nice not having to bother with it this year.  i have a vast collection of plastic fruit that i string up every year.  what a pleasure not having to bother this year.  i can add this to the long list of things that i no longer have the patience to do.

actually, there is very little that i bother with these days.  i have been barely cooking.  when i do it's a one pot wonder.  i do not have the patience to make a variety of food.  yesterday, i took prepared hamburgers and potted them with a can of crushed tomatoes and spices and threw in red lentils and a can of white beans.  that's what i do these days.  this morning i had a toasted roll with a drizzle of peanut butter and honey.  i just had an early dinner.  i made a tuna salad.  i added coarsely grated carrots, an apple, some baby spinach leaves, some lettuce and cooked beets.  i generously splashed  apple cider vinegar and added a bit of mayonnaise.

I've pretty much had it with this corona thing.  i try not reading about it anymore.  i stay away from crowds.  i keep mostly to myself.  i do visit my friend on the next block.  i went to the local supermarket before because i was bored.  i could have gotten through shabbat without veggies.  i could always borrow from downstairs.  i wanted to go out.  i wanted to check out the sales.  there were very few  people in the store today.  i guess they all go tomorrow.  i stopped in before the holiday and had to go out immediately because there were so many people there.  i have a few more things to wash and hang out to dry.

i think i'll wash all the floors tomorrow.  i usually go down to the cemetery to visit the graves of my parents before yom kippur.  if i had a ride i would feel easier about going.  i would have to take 2 busses tomorrow and i don't think i am up to that.  we are still in lockdown even though i haven't seen any police cars up here when i walk the dogs.  oh, everything is so different this year.  less and less people are wearing masks.  we elders have to protect oursleves.

A Month Later

it is midnight in the holy city of safed.  it has been nearly a month since i posted my last blog.  i simply could not function because of the heat wave.  i do not have air conditioning in my house.  there is a large unit upstairs but i didn't make it up the stairs.  the apartment was trashed and filthy and i couldn't cope with cleaning it up.  there is also, no bed upstairs.  the balcony was covered in pigeon poo, too.  one of the daughter-in-law's sisters transformed it into a beautiful studio.  she washed the wooden floor, painted the walls white and cleaned up the bird poo.  she also declared the upstairs hers.

it was too hot to go shopping and too hot to go walking.  it was too hot to cook and bake.  it was well over 100 degrees.  at one point it made it to nearly 110.  i only took the dogs out twice a day.  they couldn't cope with the heat.  we would go out at 6:00 a.m. and then at midnight.  the house was a sauna.  i was dizzy almost every day.  i spent many hours lying in bed and watching television.  it was too hot to visit my friends.  it was too hot to do laundry.  it was too hot to clean the house.  it was too hot to dust.  it was too hot to be in clothes.  it was too hot to read.

i kept wetting my head and my hair covering.  i took a cold shower about three times a day.  i even wet my pillows.  i also wet the dogs and gave the male dog a bubble bath.  it was nearly impossible.  just when i thought i couldn't take one more day of heat, it cooled down a bit.  of course, it got right back up there again.  the new year holiday was bearable.  we had cool breezes at night.  they are now predicting a heat wave for yom kippur.  it is nearly always hot on yom kippur. 

we had a minor fast day yesterday.  it was from 5:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m.  it was pretty hot during the day.  i started my nightly fast at 8:30 p.m. so i ended up fasting for nearly 23 hours.  i had a sore throat and wanted to drink something hot.  i stayed in bed.  i felt dizzy.  i watched cooking shows all day long.  i was living vicariously.  i remember not being able to watch commercials years ago while i was fasting.  if i saw food i was miserable.  yesterday; watching all of that food nourished and sustained me.

i broke my fast with yogurt and fruit.  i was hungry today.  i had another yogurt with fruit and a mix of nuts and seeds.  i then made chicken wings and rice and had an early lunch.  i had another fruit and called it a day.  i was hungry in the evening and had a toasted roll.  i haven't had much exercise this month.  we are currently in a lockdown but it doesn't feel like one.  I stocked up on food before the holiday because i didn't want to go shopping this week.  it is hot during the day but gorgeous and cool at night.

the rosh hashana holiday was very strange this year.  i went to the local Sephardic synagogue to hear the shofar blasts.  i ventured into the ladies' section.  it was the first time since pesach.  there were only 3 ladies there.  i couldn't breathe in my mask.  it wasn't cool.  they only had fans running.  i felt a panic attack coming on so i fled.  just as i left the early service was blowing the shofar.  i went back home.

it just didn't feel like rosh Hashanah.  it fell on the sabbath this year.  it didn't feel like the sabbath; either.  i prayed at home.  it took me about two hours to finish the morning service.  when i read the prayer about who will live and who will die, i thought about my sister.  she died recently and i started to cry.  i hadn't really thought about her in a little while.  the truth is that i was overwhelmed by her death. i went into a dark place and had to crawl myself out of said place.  my friends were all worried about me.  i didn't think i could ever feel anything except pain. i was surprised to feel happy again even it was fleeting.

i spent the entire shabbat and holiday with my sephardi in-laws and their family.  my son and family couldn't make it to safed.  i heard; very last minute; that my grandson had been feverish for a few days.  my daughter-in-law desperately wanted to be with her family for the holiday.  my son did not.  he wanted to be at home with his family for the holiday.  i was beginning to get sad that the grandkids weren't coming until i heard that the grandson was ill.  i was relieved that they stayed where they were; in the end.  the much younger sephardi grandma; was very disappointed that they stayed home.  what type of new reality are we living?  

One Day More

 it is 1:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i just got back from the neighborhood supermarket.  i didn't go to the large one where the prices are unbeatable.  i didn't feel like getting on a bus and walking is not an option; because of the heat.  i needed cleaning and laundry supplies, toilet paper and dog food.  i was going to take my cart but i didn't have the strength to pull it.  i cabbed it home. i bought myself a mango.  i spent loads of money and didn't really buy any food.  i got some chicken.  one must always buy some chicken.  and i got several cans of organic tomatoes, on sale.

 i have been catching up on laundry for days.  i am nearly done.  the closets are finally, stocked with clean sheets and towels.  i have about another two or more large batches of sheets to go.   in this heat, the sheets dry in moments; outdoors.  i am slowly getting the house back in order.  i threw out some muddied and stained sheets; from last winter.  i managed to get one picture back on the dining room wall.  slowly, slowly, i am getting the house to where it was before i sat shiva.

i bought a bag of whole wheat flour and a small jar of honey to make the traditional honey cakes for rosh hashana.  i also bought a bag of mini honey cookies.  once a year; they have organic whole wheat ones.  i didn't find them today.  i guess, i have time.  who knows what will be with the holidays this year.  we are all thinking; lock down.  who knows?

the sephardi family is away for a couple of weeks.  i am back on my own again.  it feels okay.  tomorrow is the official end of my mourning period for my sister.  it has been the longest month in my life and the saddest.  i still have many questions and issues.  sitting shiva alone and in quarantine; nearly broke me.  i kept going down this black hole and finally i couldn't find my way out of it.  my friends rallied and encouraged me to try to do something, anything.  it helped.

i haven't seen my nieces since the funeral.  i haven't heard from anyone , either.  i guess they have been going through a similar process.  they are all still young to have lost their mother and the grandmother to their children.  i know how devastated i have been and i was estranged from my sister for a few years.  it is a rough situation to be in.  i went from loving aunt to family outsider.  it is what it is.  one can only hope for happier times. i am planning on going down to the cemetery tomorrow to read psalms by her grave site.  i will try to visit the graves of my parents, too.

Coming Out

 it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i 'slept' in.  i took the dogs out at 7:00 a.m.  i saw the daddy of all hyraxes.  i haven't seen my silver fox in awhile.  i have been in a black hole for a couple of weeks.  it scared me.  i was losing touch with the outside world.  i stayed in on purpose because the town was inundated with out of towners; many of which make up the high density of corona .  i seemed to sink deeper into that black hole each day.  i stopped functioning.  the dishes piled up and the dog hair and dust collected high on the floors and furniture surfaces.  i stopped calling friends.  i listened to tragic classical music all day.  i didn't get dressed and i skipped showering.  i managed to eat a lot.  i mainly ate sandwiches.  i cooked up prepared burgers in a pot with tomato sauce.  i think i made rice and bulgar a few times.  i stuck to my intermittent fasting routine.  i ate a lot of dried figs.  it is all a blur now.

the sephardi grandma downstairs, kept an eye out for me.  she encouraged me to get out and take a walk.  i couldn't.  i couldn't face the world.  i took the dogs out at 6:00 a.m. and again at midnight.  i couldn't look at people.  i couldn't have people look at me.  i was certain that people would see how awful i was.  i was certain that they were judging me for having been a bad sister.  i was certain that they could see all my secrets in my eyes.  i was terrified to go outside.  it wasn't agoraphobia.  it was sheer despair.  i simply let go.  i hadn't watched television for a few weeks.  my new cable menu was in hebrew.  i had limited programming in english.  i recently started watching the food channel and fox news. i had the E channel and HBO.  i didn't know how to start shows over.  i don't even know if i have that on the menu.

i didn't really care.  i lied around in bed all day watching 'chopped'.  i was dizzy all the time.  i think it must have been very hot but i couldn't process that.  i couldn't really feel anything but grief.  i couldn't focus on anything, really.  i would watch the news but i couldn't really chap it.  i started to panic and lost all sense of proportion.  i would cry and feel hopeless.  then i realized that i was stuck in the quagmire.  i didn't want to be here anymore.  i wanted to fade away.  everything seemed impossible.  and then my friends intervened.  the message was 'do something and just get out'.  they all told me that i was a good person and that bad things happen.  one friend told me to move a chair.  it seems so simple but all of my chairs were out of place.  i actually moved a chair and things started to fall into place.  i then washed a coffee cup.  i also washed out some underpants.  it's called baby steps.

i stopped by to visit a friend.  she seemed happy to see me.  i didn't look like a monster.  i held my end  of the conversation.  i felt good.  i made it out.  i then went downstairs to see the sephardi grandma.  i wanted to let her know that i had gone out.  she had family visiting from out of town.  her young sister-in-law died three years ago and left quite a few young children.  i was afraid to go downstairs and visit with everyone.  my grief was larger than everyone's.  i realized that these young ladies could use some  attention.  it put my grief into perspective.  i stayed downstairs until around 10:00 p.m.  i felt good about myself.

it is friday and tonight is shabbat, once again.  i will join the family downstairs for supper and i will go to my friend's for lunch.  i am truly blessed.  next week will be the 30th day since my sister died.  it will be the official ending of my mourning.  i don't feel like it is the end by a long shot but the holidays are closing in on us.  we might be in a lockdown.  who knows?  we have to be good to each other and remember our humanity.  for those of you who are in your own black holes, please find help and support. don't withdraw into yourselves.  talk to a friend.

Laura Bretan - Adagio [Official Video]

18 Days Ago

 it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  18 days ago my sister died.  she lived right here in safed.  i hadn't spoken to her in three years.  i was conflicted about her the entire time.  i found out about two years ago, that she was ill.  she did not want her family or her community to know that she was sick.  i had suspected that she might have been sick three years ago when we had our falling out.  at the beginning of july; i heard that her illness had taken a turn for the worse.  my other sister and i ; having received very little informaton; began piecing things together.

we surmised that she probably had another month to live.  it was tortuous waiting for any updates. we knew that she was undergoing radical treatment.  i was advised to not approach her children.  i did send emails to let them know that we were all praying for her.  i knew that she was unable to care for herself at the end.  a day before she died i received word that she was back in hospital and that it didn't look good. i fell apart and couldn't function.  it wasn't until 24 hours later that i finally knew she was gone.  i didn't sleep the entire night after getting the initial email. 

i actually haven't been able to function since i heard that her condition had declined so rapidly.  on that dreaded wednesday morning; i woke up and i was confused.  i thought it was still tuesday. but in fact; it was already wednesday.  that night began a 24 hr fast to commemorate the destruction of the holy temples.  at around noon; i received a call letting me know that my sister had passed.  15 minutes later; i was at her housing complex; standing with the entire Lubavitcher community that she was a part of.  i was in shock.  i was inconsolable.  i was wailing.

i was virtually alone in a huge crowd.  i returned home shortly after.  i had to prepare my house for the traditional shiva, period of mourning.  i removed all of the glass framed pictures from my wall.  i covered all of the mirrors with table cloths.  i showered.  it was well over 100 degrees outside.  it took me nearly two hours.  and then i saw the SMS informing me about the time of burial.  i had missed my sister's funeral.  i started screaming and wailing once again.  the sephardi grandmother, who has been living downstairs with her husband; drove me to the cemetery.  a worker took me to the grave.  i begged my sister for forgiveness.

by the time i returned, it was nearly time to start the fast.  i was brought the traditional mourner's meal:  a boiled egg and a bowl of lentil soup.  i ate as fast as i could and went to my bed.  i stayed in bed until after the fast ended.  i did speak on the phone for hours.  i didn't break the fast right away.  i think i finally ate something at around 1:00 a.m. i endured a 29 hour fast.  i didn't know what i was doing.  i was also told at the end of the fast that i had been exposed to the covid; the week before.  i went straight into quarantine mode.

i couldn't receive any guests.  no one could come inside to comfort me.  my son couldn't come, either.  honestly, i didn't want anyone to come inside.  my house was trashed.  i hadn't cleaned it in over a month.  no one had visited except for the kids.  i was brought all of my meals by the young sephardi grandma downstairs and a neighbor.  everything tasted so good. i spent days on the phone.  i lost track of time.  after a week, it was time to come out of shiva.  some people erect the memorial stone.  i was still in quarantine and couldn't leave the house to go down to the cemetery.  i posted the official obituary on my Facebook page.  i recently started one.  i still haven't managed to add a bio or a picture.

i haven't heard from any of my nieces or nephews since the funeral.  i am giving them time.  my daughter-in-law surprised me and came in with the kids for the week.  my son will join us on shabbat.  it was wonderful to see my grandchildren.  i ran to town on sunday evening to buy new scooters and some chatchkas for them.  i had some israeli stimulus money to blow.  i spent yesterday babysitting for my 7 month old grandson.  i had forgotten how to deal with babies.  i didn't even remember how to make a  bottle of formula.  i won't have to do anything for shabbat.  i might just get it together to clean my house.  who knows?

Blue Blue My World Is Blue

it is 11:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  about 12 hours ago i was informed that my baby sister had died this morning.  she was 65 years old.  we hadn't been speaking for a while.  i think it was now two years or more since we communicated.  i always thought that one day we might reach the point that we could greet each other in the street with a smile.  we live in this little mystical town in the north and yet we never seem to run into each other.  my heart is broken.  i stood by her makeshift grave and i begged her to forgive me.  i told her that i never wanted to have to meet  her at her own grave.  she was side by side me when i was sick.  i was happy that i had her full attention.  i am pained that she chose not to let me know how sick she was.  i was devastated that i didn't get the chance to tell her goodbye and let her know that i never stopped loving her.  sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Never Can Say Goodbye

it is 8:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i finally passed out at around 4:00 a.m. this morning.  the dogs nudged me at their usual time but i couldn't budge.  i finally took them out at 6:45 a.m.  i didn't see any creatures this morning.  the large fox, the little jackal and the massive rock hyrax were no where in sight.  i guess they had retreated into the valley at the end of my street.  i have spent the better part of the month; dealing with the cable company.  i was trying to get a cheaper rate and a senior citizen's rebate.  i had no luck and tried to cancel my account.  that's when the real fun began.  in the end they offered me a really good deal and even offered me a giant rebate.  i refused to deal with them a moment longer.

i finally cancelled the service and the monthly payment with the bank.  i have not received any notice as to when they will come to retrieve their boxes.  another company told me that this cable group, simply doesn't care.  they helped me file an official document; cutting off my relationship with the previous group.  i am waiting for a lawsuit but it would probably take some time, i'm guessing.  i ended up not going with the second company.  it was more than i was prepared to pay and it involved their installing a satellite dish on my roof.  my having stopped working at the yeshiva; has taken it's financial toll on me.

we are in the midst of another, bloody heatwave.  it is very humid, too.  i ran around in it for a couple of days but i hardly left the house yesterday.  i only took the dogs out twice.  they are too hot to go out, too.  my house is like a suana.  the fans are not really helping all that much.  i'd be a goner without them.  i'm simply,not drinking enough water.  this is not a new problem.  i don't seem to keep myself  properly hydrated in the summer.  i will try to eat some watermelon, soon.

i haven't watched any television since the service was terminated on friday.  i felt liberated.  i had been enslaved by the lure of binge watching  programming.  i did download a movie on you tube yesterday.  i also opened up a Facebook account.  i really don't like it.  i feel that my privacy has been invaded.  people are coming out of the woodwork to befriend me.  it is not my cup of tea.  i feel like a voyeur looking into my family's windows to catch a peak at their kids.  it doesn't bring me closer to anyone. it makes me feel more isolated from everyone.  i guess i'm unique in this respect.

i signed with another cable company which offered me a more modest plan.  i'm hoping that the VOD content, alone; will suffice.  i think everyone offers HBO these days.  i realized that i don't really like HBO that much.  so much of it is politically correct dribble.  i'm more of an action fan.  i will miss my 'blueblood' and SVU shows.  what can i do?  i can't afford to keep all the channels.  i live alone, and do not watch sports and children's programming.  i don't think i will miss the reality channel.  i have definitely, stopped keeping up with the kardashians.

i have been sleeping in a bedroom lately.  i switch from room to room nightly; depending on how cool the room is.  i have tried to download free streaming television with no success.  i have been posting a lot of charles aznavour music videos on my timeline.  they are all very schmaltzy and dramatic.  i am in a rather tragic mode.  one of my siblings is in a terminal medical state.  i have been getting urgent text messages for over a month now.  yesterday, i truly thought the end was here.

i completely fell apart.  i cried so loud and hard that i started hyperventilating.  i thought that i might pass out.  i called a friend but i couldn't really speak.  i needed to figure out how to call a niece but i wasn't really in any shape to speak to anyone.  i waited for several, excruciating hours; just to know if my sibling was still among the living.  as of now, i was told that they had stabilized her.  it doesn't really tell me much.  and neither does her family.  i am pretty much out of the loop.

 on sunday, i lightly sprained my ankle while out with the dogs.  i limped back to my house and broke my nightly fast.  i rubbed my trusty arnica oil on my foot and had a cup of chai tea.  i had to go to the bank because there was a computer glitch with the monthly payments for the cellphone company.  i took a bus and then walked into town.  it was only about a fifteen minute walk, downhill.  i  bought some things for the grand kids.  they might be coming during the summer break.  i stopped into a few stores.  i didn't get back until after 3:00 p.m.  my foot suddenly started hurting very badly and i couldn't put much weight on it.  i limped over to where i could flag down a taxi.  i spent several hours in bed enduring excruciating pain.

my foot is already healed.  my heart, is another matter.  it is broken.  i haven't spoken to my sibling in a couple of years.  i had thought that we might reach some sort of reconciliation before she passed.  alas, i don't think it is meant to be.  oh how i long for yesterday!   to be continued...............

The End of the World

Liars And Cheats

it is now 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed. today starts the nine days before the 9th of av.  that is a long fast day which commiserates the destruction of the two ancient temples.  we refrain from gaiety.  we do not eat chicken or meat and we do not drink wine.  we can eat them on the sabbath.  i spent a few hours dealing with the cable company.  i did not get the senior's discount in the end.  they also did not enter my identity number on my account.  they offered me some kind of new package but i refused to deal with them anymore.  

i told them to cancel my account.  of course, they wouldn't say when they would come to pick up the cable boxes.  i need to call these liars and crooks next week.  i intend to cancel my monthly payment at the bank.  i think i will go tomorrow.  they might just sue me.  i don't want these jokers to receive one penny more from me.  they have tortured me for nearly a month.  i asked to cancel certain programs and they didn't do it.  they didn't keep an account, either of the numerous phone conversations i had with these jerks.

it is really hot and humid and i felt faint twice today.  i am pretty upset today.  i have been inside all day long.  i showered and wanted to get out but i decided to call the cable company for confirmation.  they promised me last week that i had indeed, received the discount and they had taken care of the identity number.  they said that everything was okay and that i would get the conformation this week.  i started this process three weeks ago.  i had a two day stomach virus in between.  it took me an entire week to get back on my feet.  I've wasted precious time dealing with these donkeys.  i do not have the strength to look into another company now.

i am seriously considering getting pirate t.v.  my friend has it and she gets to see the latest shows and movies for free.  i have been paying through the nose for years and i am left watching 'friends' reruns every night.  i opened a face book account but it isn't really doing anything for me.  i got to see family pix and it depressed me and didn't make me happy.  it confused me more.  it also made me feel isolated more.   it didn't give me the feeling that i was sharing with anyone and it didn't bring me closer to anyone.  it made me feel like a voyeur looking in through people's windows.

i am in a bad funk.  everything sees undo-able.  it is taking its toll on me.  i am miserable.  i feel like i lost my best friend in the world.  i feel that no one really wants to be in touch.  maybe everyone else is feeling like this.  maybe this is a corona head symptom.  i don't know.  i just know that i am ready to start screaming. i am beyond frustrated.  i think i might just start crying but i am afraid that i won't stop.

One More Thing To Deal With

it is 8:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i got an SMS from my cell phone carrier yesterday; informing me that they no longer accepted my debit/credit card.  the lady was extremely decent and sweet and helpful.. i couldn't fully deal with it on my smart phone.  i do not have an app for for my bank.  my daughter-in-law's sister tried to access my new debit card and, of course, they couldn't send me the secret code.  i thought that i could just, simply, forward the SMS to the bank app but i couldn't find it.  it was on my phone temporarily but it just, simply, disappeared.

the woman from the phone carrier actually, inquired about  my well being during corona.  i nearly cried.  after being abused by the cable people for days on end;this was a very beautiful exchange.  i still had to leave my house to go to the bank.  i jumped on the bus and was there in five minutes.  unfortunately, the bank was closed.  who knows their hours???  i decided to walk home.  this was not one of my best decisions.

i needed to move because i had overeaten a lot yesterday.  i made it home but the last stretch was a bit tricky.  it is normally a 20 minute walk for me.  a younger person could do it in 10 or 15 minutes.  however, a younger person wouldn't be walking.  they all have cars, bicycles, motorcycles or electric scooters.  i chose to take the longer; round about way home; because i wanted more exercise.  i thought that i might pass out.  i was overheated.  i chose not to sit for awhile and i proceeded up several flights of steps to my house.  i didn't move much once i got home.  i had a simple green salad with a boiled egg for supper.  i started my nightly fast at 7:00 p.m.

i must go to the bank now because i can't do any banking on my smart phone.  i will shower and change and take the bus there.  i broke my fast at 7:00 a.m.  i had two oat meal muffins and a cup of chai tea with rice almond milk and a slice of fresh ginger.  i shared some of the muffins with the pooches.  i added green squash, banana, carrot and apple this time.  i wanted to create a sugar and flour free zucchini cake like muffin.  i don't add sweeteners so i relay on bananas for the sweetness.  we don't often have real zucchini here and the light green squash is a bit bitter.  most carrot and zucchini cakes and breads are loaded with  a ton of sugar.  the addition of an apple and a carrot didn't really add much sweetness.  i did add quite a lot of cinnamon and vanilla extract for taste.  they were actually, not all that bad. 

i think with all the new gluten free, sugarless, keto and diabetic friendly recipes, one must have a good imagination.  take for instance; my banana ice cream.  it is simply frozen banana slices with a splash of almond milk processed in a mini machine.  it tastes wonderful and is super refreshing.  is it ice cream?  i don't think so but for me it is.  it has the texture of sherbet.  sometimes i add frozen cherries and sometimes i add chopped walnuts.  when i add the walnuts i imagine that i am lingering over a pint of Ben and jerry's 'chunky monkey' ice cream.  i don't go out of my way to buy chocolate chips to add to the concoction because i am a chocoholic.  i can't have any in my home. i don't even enjoy the taste anymore.

Worn Out And Broken

it is 8:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i am beat.  i am exhausted and i am depressed.  i have been trying to deal with the cable company for a couple of weeks, now.  i spent six hours on the phone yesterday.  the liars promised to call today.  i know they will not.  i sent a letter to the company threatening legal action but i know they won't get it.  i want to call them now to cancel my contract.  i do not have the strength to go to the bank and cancel my payments.  it will just be a mess at the bank.  i have the application but i am certain that i will not be able to arrange an appointment to see a clerk; on the phone.

my eyes are burning.  the dogs woke me up at 6:00 a.m. to go out.  i tried to roll over and ignore them.  i was so tired and defeated.  they got their way with me and i quickly threw on a skirt over my pajamas and went out.  they were like a tag team jumping all over the bed and me.  i didn't run into any people or other dogs.  i did see a huge hyrax run out of the bushes.  these are badger like animals indigenous in israel.  they are actually, a protected species.  they can tear a dog apart with their incredibly long claws. they look so innocent and cute.  on the kids cartoon show, 'wonder pets', a hyrax is one of the main characters.  this one, this morning; looked mean to me.

i also saw a small group of baby/toddler pigeons near the kid's playground.  they were so cute.  they looked like a small kindergarten group out on an outing.  i wish i had my phone to photograph them. it is 9:00 a.m. and no one has called me from the cable company. i am obsessed.  i just want to cancel these cheaters and try to find another company.  that isn't easy here.  i think there is only one other company and i think i might need a smart t.v. or a satellite dish.  i am really feeling uptight.

i just called the cable company and requested customer service.  of course, they do not know what this means.  once again; i asked if they received my fax.  she told me that they can only change my status by email.  i tried not to scream but i told her that; in no uncertain terms; would i do one more thing.  i told her to check right now that i got the senior's package or to cancel the service, immediately.  suddenly, she saw that they received my fax, my sms, the copy of my identiy card and my son's sms.  she saw my identity card and yet she didn't know to enter the correct number into my account.  i demanded that she enter the number immediately.  she was still using the identity number of my son.  and they were still using my number for some deadbeat in another town. she told me to be in touch with them next week.   

at this point i just want to cancel the cable.  i can get pirate t.v. for free.  why am i suffering this insane cable company.  thank the Lord, that i do not have internet or phone service with these fools. i do not have the strength to think about this another moment.  i still want to call the company to see if they actually, did change my number but i am afraid what it will do to me; if they didn't.

2:15 update:  i just couldn't help myself and i called the cable company again.  i got passed to other people and hung up on a couple of times before i spoke with someone.  they still hadn't added my identity number to my account but i think they removed it from the deadbeat customer in another town.  the new person said it was done.  i will have to call again next week to check up on it.

Cable Company From Hell

it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i have been on the phone since noon today trying to get the cable company to straighten out their records.  two weeks ago, before i got the famous stomach flu; i called the company to get a a better rate.  i have been paying through the nose;as they say.  after offering me a mere $10 discount; i told them to cancel the service because i wasn't working and i couldn't afford to pay anymore.  i probably mentioned that i was a senior and suddenly they offered me a great discount.

actually, it was half price.  it probably was less channels but it was well worth the money.  i needed to simply; supply them with a letter that i was receiving aid from the government for old age. i had gone to town to use a government machine in an office building but i needed a special code and i didn't know where i had put it.  i tried to get it online but i'm awful at these things.  i was lucky enough to have my daughter-in-law's sister here for shabbat. she used to work in the government office and she knew the ropes.

when shabbat ended, she was able to access the code on my smart phone.  she managed to send the letter yesterday from her workplace.  she told me to call the cable company to make sure they received her fax.  of course, they didn't.  they told me to call back on thursday.  when i called yesterday i was told that my identity number, like your social security number; was incorrect.  they insisted that it belonged to a lady in kiryat shimona. 

when i first ordered the cable, two years ago; they told me that i had a huge debt from my internet account in kiryat shimona.  i have never had an internet account with this company nor have i ever lived anywhere besides, safed.  i had to send them a photocopy of my ID and fill out a form to get my name on the contract.  my son ordered the service for me before he left safed.  when the technician came he had my son's name listed on the order form.  i told him to list my name and he said it wasn't a big deal.  for several months the company didn't charge me.  when i called them they told me that my name wasn't on the contract and in order to change it i needed to fill out a special request form.  i waited another two months for the form to arrive.

that was 2018.  as of today, they still refuse to put my I.D. number on my account.  as of yesterday; the account was still on my son's name and my I.D. number was still on that lady's account in kiryat shimona.  i told them today that i considered this identity theft and that i was contacting a lawyer.  i also threatened to cancel the payment at the bank.  no one gives a hoot. no one can pronounce my name there.  the closest is golda.  i started screaming yesterday like a banshee.  i called my son in a rage. he already isn't so cozy towards me because he says i'm too sarcastic with him.

he was at work and couldn't care less.  he told me to call them back.  they wanted me to go to the post office to fill out a form..  i refused and told them that i was high risk for covid and wouldn't be leaving my house.  they sent me a digital form.  i can use a smart phone now.  i entered my I.D. number and of course; it sent me back to the office.  i spent another couple of hours on the phone and called them every curse word in the world.  i told them to cancel the service. they said i couldn't cancel because the contract wasn't in my name. this is where i started to scream again.

they sent the digital form to my son.  my son didn't even fill it out.  i called him this morning and told him he had to send it back to these crooks.  he asked me to send a picture of my I.D.  it took me a while to master my phone camera.  i sent him a video.  he said he couldn't send it.  i finally sent him a very lopsided copy of my picture I.D.  they called me at noon to say that they received the forms.  they still haven't seen the fax from the national insurance company.  i've probably already been billed this month at the higher; full rate.

i am beside myself.  this has taken all of my energy for two days.  if i had any chocolate or cake in the house i'd drown my sorrows and go on a binge.  i refuse to gain weight over this.  if i had any money i would go to a lawyer.  i am very disappointed with my son.  i know that this problem isn't earth shattering but it is too much for me to do on my own.  i don't have much going on these days besides my t.v. shows.  when they hear my american accent they automatically transfer me to someone else; who either hangs up on me or puts me on hold for half an hour.  today they transferred me to an 'english' speaker who couldn't speak a syllable in english.  i am truly worn out.

It's Nearly Shabbat

it is 6:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  last week nearly the whole clan showed up for shabbat.  my kids arrived at midnight on thursday.  the kids had napped in the car so we finally all fell asleep at 3:00 a.m.  i went out in the heat with my granddaughter to buy the fixings to make a cheesecake.  the kids wanted a baking project to do with their grandmother, zelda.  we had two major meltdowns until the cake was in the oven.  i nearly forgot to add the sugar from all the yelling and crying.

the sephardi grandmother, who is temporarily living downstairs with her husband ; heard all of the screaming and invited the granddaughter to go downstairs to help her make challah.  that was my addition to the shabbat meals.  the sephardi grandmother cooked everything else.  we were eleven adults with 6 active children and two babies, one of which was recently born.

this time, after lunch; the adults decided to separate the girls from the boys.  i got the boys.  i had wanted to take a nap but no such luck.  the boys built a fort with one of my most heavy mattress and loads of pillows and blankets.  they are currently on the floor in the living room.  i didn't have the energy this week to put them away.  the baby, my grandson, was quite sick.  my daughter-in-law said that he had bronchitis.  i figured that it wasn't contagious, so i allowed them to come and stay up here with me.  i spent the day cleaning the house.

their little Yorkie is still not house broken.  she gets along swimmingly with my small female dog but she piddles all over the house and on the mattresses.  i am constantly running around with a wet mop cleaning up after her.  i actually sat and played, 'trouble' with my grandson and his cousin.  i play to win but i always lose.  my grandson always wins.  the boys raided the pantry and helped themselves to tons of snacks.  they also brought more from downstairs.  it was overkill.  although i avoided the chips and bambas, i did hit the cherries and nuts pretty hard.  i think i ate all day long.

by the evening, the baby had a high fever.  i ran to all the neighbors for liquid aspirin. my daughter-i-law decided to take the baby to the emergency room after shabbat ended.  it was a balagon, as we say here, in the middle east.  they performed a corona swab test on him and were not very gentle.  they were very aggressive and very nasty to my daughter-in-law.  my son wanted to get back to jerusalem.  he just started a new job and really couldn't miss any more work. 

i fell asleep at around 1:00 a.m. with both of my older grandchildren hanging on to me for dear life.  i never heard the daughter-in-law come home.  i got up at 7:00 a.m. to take the dogs out.  i saw that everyone was home.  they all got up and got out by 8:30 a.m.  it was very tense.  i was exhausted.  the hospital called to say that the baby didn't have the corona.  they said he had some other type of virus.  whatever he had, i got later that day.  i had awful diarrhea and stomach cramps.  i think i was feverish, too.  i slept for most of the day.  i did manage to take the dogs out a couple of times but i laid on the mattress on the floor for the next two days.  i hardly drank anything and i couldn't eat anything, either.

the next day i managed to drink a bit of water.  i couldn't get it together to make myself a cup of tea.  i did make some rice and i managed to eat it.  the day after i ate more rice and some cherries.  it has taken me the entire week to get back on my feet.  i fasted yesterday for 25 hours.  it was only a day fast but i did my nightly 12 hour fast, first.  i was pretty hungry last night.  today i felt like i had been hit by a bus.  i made some turkey necks and lentils and rice to break the fast.  i also made some banana and plum oat flour muffins.  they were very yummy.  i made spelt spaghetti and meatballs for shabbat dinner.  my friend invited me to come by for lunch.  i haven't seen her all week.  i hope i will get out tomorrow to be with people.  wishing you all a good shabbos.

It's Been Awhile

it is 5:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i haven't blogged in a while.  i have been getting acclimated on my smart phone.  i bought the phone on black friday back in november of last year.  actually, my friend ordered one and i told her to order another for me.  it remained in a box on a shelf until just recently.  my grandson took it out of the box a few months ago; to check it out.  he told me that it was a very good phone.  my son said it was just an okay phone.  i had wanted to get the sim card from the small cell phone; inserted into the brand new smart phone; for a long time, now.

while i was still cooking at the yeshiva, it didn't seem like an urgent matter.  i didn't want to have to bring the shiny new smart phone to the very dingy kitchen with me every day.  i managed with the tiny cell phone until i lost it, one day. i didn't think i could ever learn to use a smart phone so i resisted buying one.  none of my gal pals had one yet; so i thought that i was in good company.

i replaced the small cell phone with an even smaller and cheaper cell phone.  it wasn't a perfect situation but i didn't really care.  i quit working in the yeshiva before the holiday of purim just before march.  the covid virus was just getting into high gear then.  i stopped going to town.  i spent most of my time preparing the house for pesach.  getting the sim card inserted; was now a lost cause, so it seemed.  a neighbor was kind enough to come over and apply the whats app on the smart phone but she couldn't insert the sim card.  she stood outside on my porch one evening , as it began to rain; and tried to talk me through using the app.  i stood by my open window and looked out.  it was too surreal.  i didn't even own a mask back then.  i was scared to have a person in my house.

i tried to call my grandson on the whats app but it didn't work.  she came by again, but i told her i was a lost cause.  one time i got a video of my new grandson and i ran to the neighbor to help me open it.  i was so delighted to have a recent picture of him.  i hadn't seen him since he was born in december.  my son called to let me know that he wanted to make a video chat one day in april.   he called me three times and each time, i panicked and couldn't catch the phone.  he was very impatient and angry with me.  i finally, under extreme pressure; was able to open the phone and see the grand kids.  i watched them do the check for chometz on the night before pesach.  i stayed on the phone for nearly an hour.  i showed them all the toys i had bought them for pesach.  i didn't know how to speak on a smart phone so i yelled on the top of my lungs.

i was never able to get them on a chat again.  the phone went back in the box and back on the shelf until a couple of weeks ago.  i finally walked to town one evening and had the sim card inserted and the shield placed on the phone.  i even got a sturdy case for it.  i still had a hard time catching calls.  i went over to a friend's house and practiced with her for a couple of hours.  little by little, i picked up some tricks.

i am not perfect yet but i can call, and text and whats app people now with ease.  i even sent emails on it. it is being caught up as opposed to being a dinosaur.  i have self confidence again.  i don't feel desperate any longer.  i like it very much.  i intend to cancel my land line phone tomorrow.  i have wasted tons of money for years calling lost distance.  i will keep the internet service on my home computer.  i find it too difficult to blog on the phone.  my gardener was so elated to hear that i finally used my phone.  he has been telling me for years to get with it.

New Format

it is 3:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i haven't posted lately because i was afraid to try the new blogger format.  i hate myself for being so feeble.  i used to be adventurous.  i hate this digital new world.  i know that it does make life easier but i try to resist it as long as i can.  it does make for more more problems.  i was supposed to have gone to the electronic store to get a sim card put in my smart phone.  i have resisted going, too.  i actually charged the phone and i just might go this afternoon.

i just tried looking for the contacts list on my gmail account and of course, i couldn't find it.  what is wrong with me?  i feel like such a loser.  i know that the guy at the electronic phone could copy all of my contacts into the smart phone and i would be able to use the whats app application, once in for all.  i am spending tons of money on a land phone and it doesn't make any sense because hardly anyone calls me on it..  the phone company that i pay a small ransom doesn't even call me on it.  everyone wants SMS numbers.

the hospital in the tel aviv area will call my son in jerusalem, rather than call my home in safed.  i couldn't even get an appointment to speak to a bank clerk the other day.  apparently, you can only do it on a smart phone.  i am so sick of this new technology.  my friend loves it and is totally caught up on the smart phone.  i want to go over to her house one day so she can show me how to use it.  i'm not even sure what i should ask the man at the electronic store to even put on my phone.  do i really need internet???  i don't even have a face book account.

i know i should have one so i can see pix of my family.  no one is really staying in touch with me anymore.  this way i could at least see pictures of my family's children.  i feel so isolated.  my kids were here on monday.  the entire sephardi clan came to safed for their mothers' birthday.  they made a surprise party.  they make one every year.  the sephardi mom didn't think that all the kids would come in this time because of the rona.  the only one missing was the son who is in the army.

i spent most of the evening and the next day downstairs.  the sephardi mom made lunch for us.  we had a hearty meal of roasted potatoes, spaghetti and leftover barbecued wings, kabobs and steak.  i ate a ton of food.  i even had a steak later that night.  my stomach was ruined.  i fasted for many hours the next day.  i haven't stopped over eating since.  i am still not eating junk food or sing sugar but i have been over doing everything.

i seem to have lost my balance.  i couldn't move yesterday.  i was completely wiped out.  i did practically nothing while the kids were here.  i didn't even make them a cup of tea.  oh yes, i did make the granddaughter some scrambled eggs and i put some waffles in the toaster oven for my grandson.  however; i remained sitting for most of the time.  and yet i was too tired to take a walk yesterday.  this morning i did a 50 minute walk around the neighborhood at 8:00 a.m.  

it is hot outside but i think i should go to town.  i will see if i can walk there.  if it is too hot i will go on a bus.  i need to pay my electric bill.  i should really go today but i am not sure i have enough money to pay the bill right now.  part of me doesn't want to move anymore.  i might just take the dogs out for a stroll.  they don't really look like they want to leave the house, either.  i have become so passive.