18 Days Ago

 it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  18 days ago my sister died.  she lived right here in safed.  i hadn't spoken to her in three years.  i was conflicted about her the entire time.  i found out about two years ago, that she was ill.  she did not want her family or her community to know that she was sick.  i had suspected that she might have been sick three years ago when we had our falling out.  at the beginning of july; i heard that her illness had taken a turn for the worse.  my other sister and i ; having received very little informaton; began piecing things together.

we surmised that she probably had another month to live.  it was tortuous waiting for any updates. we knew that she was undergoing radical treatment.  i was advised to not approach her children.  i did send emails to let them know that we were all praying for her.  i knew that she was unable to care for herself at the end.  a day before she died i received word that she was back in hospital and that it didn't look good. i fell apart and couldn't function.  it wasn't until 24 hours later that i finally knew she was gone.  i didn't sleep the entire night after getting the initial email. 

i actually haven't been able to function since i heard that her condition had declined so rapidly.  on that dreaded wednesday morning; i woke up and i was confused.  i thought it was still tuesday. but in fact; it was already wednesday.  that night began a 24 hr fast to commemorate the destruction of the holy temples.  at around noon; i received a call letting me know that my sister had passed.  15 minutes later; i was at her housing complex; standing with the entire Lubavitcher community that she was a part of.  i was in shock.  i was inconsolable.  i was wailing.

i was virtually alone in a huge crowd.  i returned home shortly after.  i had to prepare my house for the traditional shiva, period of mourning.  i removed all of the glass framed pictures from my wall.  i covered all of the mirrors with table cloths.  i showered.  it was well over 100 degrees outside.  it took me nearly two hours.  and then i saw the SMS informing me about the time of burial.  i had missed my sister's funeral.  i started screaming and wailing once again.  the sephardi grandmother, who has been living downstairs with her husband; drove me to the cemetery.  a worker took me to the grave.  i begged my sister for forgiveness.

by the time i returned, it was nearly time to start the fast.  i was brought the traditional mourner's meal:  a boiled egg and a bowl of lentil soup.  i ate as fast as i could and went to my bed.  i stayed in bed until after the fast ended.  i did speak on the phone for hours.  i didn't break the fast right away.  i think i finally ate something at around 1:00 a.m. i endured a 29 hour fast.  i didn't know what i was doing.  i was also told at the end of the fast that i had been exposed to the covid; the week before.  i went straight into quarantine mode.

i couldn't receive any guests.  no one could come inside to comfort me.  my son couldn't come, either.  honestly, i didn't want anyone to come inside.  my house was trashed.  i hadn't cleaned it in over a month.  no one had visited except for the kids.  i was brought all of my meals by the young sephardi grandma downstairs and a neighbor.  everything tasted so good. i spent days on the phone.  i lost track of time.  after a week, it was time to come out of shiva.  some people erect the memorial stone.  i was still in quarantine and couldn't leave the house to go down to the cemetery.  i posted the official obituary on my Facebook page.  i recently started one.  i still haven't managed to add a bio or a picture.

i haven't heard from any of my nieces or nephews since the funeral.  i am giving them time.  my daughter-in-law surprised me and came in with the kids for the week.  my son will join us on shabbat.  it was wonderful to see my grandchildren.  i ran to town on sunday evening to buy new scooters and some chatchkas for them.  i had some israeli stimulus money to blow.  i spent yesterday babysitting for my 7 month old grandson.  i had forgotten how to deal with babies.  i didn't even remember how to make a  bottle of formula.  i won't have to do anything for shabbat.  i might just get it together to clean my house.  who knows?