One Day More

 it is 1:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i just got back from the neighborhood supermarket.  i didn't go to the large one where the prices are unbeatable.  i didn't feel like getting on a bus and walking is not an option; because of the heat.  i needed cleaning and laundry supplies, toilet paper and dog food.  i was going to take my cart but i didn't have the strength to pull it.  i cabbed it home. i bought myself a mango.  i spent loads of money and didn't really buy any food.  i got some chicken.  one must always buy some chicken.  and i got several cans of organic tomatoes, on sale.

 i have been catching up on laundry for days.  i am nearly done.  the closets are finally, stocked with clean sheets and towels.  i have about another two or more large batches of sheets to go.   in this heat, the sheets dry in moments; outdoors.  i am slowly getting the house back in order.  i threw out some muddied and stained sheets; from last winter.  i managed to get one picture back on the dining room wall.  slowly, slowly, i am getting the house to where it was before i sat shiva.

i bought a bag of whole wheat flour and a small jar of honey to make the traditional honey cakes for rosh hashana.  i also bought a bag of mini honey cookies.  once a year; they have organic whole wheat ones.  i didn't find them today.  i guess, i have time.  who knows what will be with the holidays this year.  we are all thinking; lock down.  who knows?

the sephardi family is away for a couple of weeks.  i am back on my own again.  it feels okay.  tomorrow is the official end of my mourning period for my sister.  it has been the longest month in my life and the saddest.  i still have many questions and issues.  sitting shiva alone and in quarantine; nearly broke me.  i kept going down this black hole and finally i couldn't find my way out of it.  my friends rallied and encouraged me to try to do something, anything.  it helped.

i haven't seen my nieces since the funeral.  i haven't heard from anyone , either.  i guess they have been going through a similar process.  they are all still young to have lost their mother and the grandmother to their children.  i know how devastated i have been and i was estranged from my sister for a few years.  it is a rough situation to be in.  i went from loving aunt to family outsider.  it is what it is.  one can only hope for happier times. i am planning on going down to the cemetery tomorrow to read psalms by her grave site.  i will try to visit the graves of my parents, too.