One Day More

 it is 1:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i just got back from the neighborhood supermarket.  i didn't go to the large one where the prices are unbeatable.  i didn't feel like getting on a bus and walking is not an option; because of the heat.  i needed cleaning and laundry supplies, toilet paper and dog food.  i was going to take my cart but i didn't have the strength to pull it.  i cabbed it home. i bought myself a mango.  i spent loads of money and didn't really buy any food.  i got some chicken.  one must always buy some chicken.  and i got several cans of organic tomatoes, on sale.

 i have been catching up on laundry for days.  i am nearly done.  the closets are finally, stocked with clean sheets and towels.  i have about another two or more large batches of sheets to go.   in this heat, the sheets dry in moments; outdoors.  i am slowly getting the house back in order.  i threw out some muddied and stained sheets; from last winter.  i managed to get one picture back on the dining room wall.  slowly, slowly, i am getting the house to where it was before i sat shiva.

i bought a bag of whole wheat flour and a small jar of honey to make the traditional honey cakes for rosh hashana.  i also bought a bag of mini honey cookies.  once a year; they have organic whole wheat ones.  i didn't find them today.  i guess, i have time.  who knows what will be with the holidays this year.  we are all thinking; lock down.  who knows?

the sephardi family is away for a couple of weeks.  i am back on my own again.  it feels okay.  tomorrow is the official end of my mourning period for my sister.  it has been the longest month in my life and the saddest.  i still have many questions and issues.  sitting shiva alone and in quarantine; nearly broke me.  i kept going down this black hole and finally i couldn't find my way out of it.  my friends rallied and encouraged me to try to do something, anything.  it helped.

i haven't seen my nieces since the funeral.  i haven't heard from anyone , either.  i guess they have been going through a similar process.  they are all still young to have lost their mother and the grandmother to their children.  i know how devastated i have been and i was estranged from my sister for a few years.  it is a rough situation to be in.  i went from loving aunt to family outsider.  it is what it is.  one can only hope for happier times. i am planning on going down to the cemetery tomorrow to read psalms by her grave site.  i will try to visit the graves of my parents, too.

Coming Out

 it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i 'slept' in.  i took the dogs out at 7:00 a.m.  i saw the daddy of all hyraxes.  i haven't seen my silver fox in awhile.  i have been in a black hole for a couple of weeks.  it scared me.  i was losing touch with the outside world.  i stayed in on purpose because the town was inundated with out of towners; many of which make up the high density of corona .  i seemed to sink deeper into that black hole each day.  i stopped functioning.  the dishes piled up and the dog hair and dust collected high on the floors and furniture surfaces.  i stopped calling friends.  i listened to tragic classical music all day.  i didn't get dressed and i skipped showering.  i managed to eat a lot.  i mainly ate sandwiches.  i cooked up prepared burgers in a pot with tomato sauce.  i think i made rice and bulgar a few times.  i stuck to my intermittent fasting routine.  i ate a lot of dried figs.  it is all a blur now.

the sephardi grandma downstairs, kept an eye out for me.  she encouraged me to get out and take a walk.  i couldn't.  i couldn't face the world.  i took the dogs out at 6:00 a.m. and again at midnight.  i couldn't look at people.  i couldn't have people look at me.  i was certain that people would see how awful i was.  i was certain that they were judging me for having been a bad sister.  i was certain that they could see all my secrets in my eyes.  i was terrified to go outside.  it wasn't agoraphobia.  it was sheer despair.  i simply let go.  i hadn't watched television for a few weeks.  my new cable menu was in hebrew.  i had limited programming in english.  i recently started watching the food channel and fox news. i had the E channel and HBO.  i didn't know how to start shows over.  i don't even know if i have that on the menu.

i didn't really care.  i lied around in bed all day watching 'chopped'.  i was dizzy all the time.  i think it must have been very hot but i couldn't process that.  i couldn't really feel anything but grief.  i couldn't focus on anything, really.  i would watch the news but i couldn't really chap it.  i started to panic and lost all sense of proportion.  i would cry and feel hopeless.  then i realized that i was stuck in the quagmire.  i didn't want to be here anymore.  i wanted to fade away.  everything seemed impossible.  and then my friends intervened.  the message was 'do something and just get out'.  they all told me that i was a good person and that bad things happen.  one friend told me to move a chair.  it seems so simple but all of my chairs were out of place.  i actually moved a chair and things started to fall into place.  i then washed a coffee cup.  i also washed out some underpants.  it's called baby steps.

i stopped by to visit a friend.  she seemed happy to see me.  i didn't look like a monster.  i held my end  of the conversation.  i felt good.  i made it out.  i then went downstairs to see the sephardi grandma.  i wanted to let her know that i had gone out.  she had family visiting from out of town.  her young sister-in-law died three years ago and left quite a few young children.  i was afraid to go downstairs and visit with everyone.  my grief was larger than everyone's.  i realized that these young ladies could use some  attention.  it put my grief into perspective.  i stayed downstairs until around 10:00 p.m.  i felt good about myself.

it is friday and tonight is shabbat, once again.  i will join the family downstairs for supper and i will go to my friend's for lunch.  i am truly blessed.  next week will be the 30th day since my sister died.  it will be the official ending of my mourning.  i don't feel like it is the end by a long shot but the holidays are closing in on us.  we might be in a lockdown.  who knows?  we have to be good to each other and remember our humanity.  for those of you who are in your own black holes, please find help and support. don't withdraw into yourselves.  talk to a friend.

Laura Bretan - Adagio [Official Video]

18 Days Ago

 it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  18 days ago my sister died.  she lived right here in safed.  i hadn't spoken to her in three years.  i was conflicted about her the entire time.  i found out about two years ago, that she was ill.  she did not want her family or her community to know that she was sick.  i had suspected that she might have been sick three years ago when we had our falling out.  at the beginning of july; i heard that her illness had taken a turn for the worse.  my other sister and i ; having received very little informaton; began piecing things together.

we surmised that she probably had another month to live.  it was tortuous waiting for any updates. we knew that she was undergoing radical treatment.  i was advised to not approach her children.  i did send emails to let them know that we were all praying for her.  i knew that she was unable to care for herself at the end.  a day before she died i received word that she was back in hospital and that it didn't look good. i fell apart and couldn't function.  it wasn't until 24 hours later that i finally knew she was gone.  i didn't sleep the entire night after getting the initial email. 

i actually haven't been able to function since i heard that her condition had declined so rapidly.  on that dreaded wednesday morning; i woke up and i was confused.  i thought it was still tuesday. but in fact; it was already wednesday.  that night began a 24 hr fast to commemorate the destruction of the holy temples.  at around noon; i received a call letting me know that my sister had passed.  15 minutes later; i was at her housing complex; standing with the entire Lubavitcher community that she was a part of.  i was in shock.  i was inconsolable.  i was wailing.

i was virtually alone in a huge crowd.  i returned home shortly after.  i had to prepare my house for the traditional shiva, period of mourning.  i removed all of the glass framed pictures from my wall.  i covered all of the mirrors with table cloths.  i showered.  it was well over 100 degrees outside.  it took me nearly two hours.  and then i saw the SMS informing me about the time of burial.  i had missed my sister's funeral.  i started screaming and wailing once again.  the sephardi grandmother, who has been living downstairs with her husband; drove me to the cemetery.  a worker took me to the grave.  i begged my sister for forgiveness.

by the time i returned, it was nearly time to start the fast.  i was brought the traditional mourner's meal:  a boiled egg and a bowl of lentil soup.  i ate as fast as i could and went to my bed.  i stayed in bed until after the fast ended.  i did speak on the phone for hours.  i didn't break the fast right away.  i think i finally ate something at around 1:00 a.m. i endured a 29 hour fast.  i didn't know what i was doing.  i was also told at the end of the fast that i had been exposed to the covid; the week before.  i went straight into quarantine mode.

i couldn't receive any guests.  no one could come inside to comfort me.  my son couldn't come, either.  honestly, i didn't want anyone to come inside.  my house was trashed.  i hadn't cleaned it in over a month.  no one had visited except for the kids.  i was brought all of my meals by the young sephardi grandma downstairs and a neighbor.  everything tasted so good. i spent days on the phone.  i lost track of time.  after a week, it was time to come out of shiva.  some people erect the memorial stone.  i was still in quarantine and couldn't leave the house to go down to the cemetery.  i posted the official obituary on my Facebook page.  i recently started one.  i still haven't managed to add a bio or a picture.

i haven't heard from any of my nieces or nephews since the funeral.  i am giving them time.  my daughter-in-law surprised me and came in with the kids for the week.  my son will join us on shabbat.  it was wonderful to see my grandchildren.  i ran to town on sunday evening to buy new scooters and some chatchkas for them.  i had some israeli stimulus money to blow.  i spent yesterday babysitting for my 7 month old grandson.  i had forgotten how to deal with babies.  i didn't even remember how to make a  bottle of formula.  i won't have to do anything for shabbat.  i might just get it together to clean my house.  who knows?