it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed. i 'slept' in. i took the dogs out at 7:00 a.m. i saw the daddy of all hyraxes. i haven't seen my silver fox in awhile. i have been in a black hole for a couple of weeks. it scared me. i was losing touch with the outside world. i stayed in on purpose because the town was inundated with out of towners; many of which make up the high density of corona . i seemed to sink deeper into that black hole each day. i stopped functioning. the dishes piled up and the dog hair and dust collected high on the floors and furniture surfaces. i stopped calling friends. i listened to tragic classical music all day. i didn't get dressed and i skipped showering. i managed to eat a lot. i mainly ate sandwiches. i cooked up prepared burgers in a pot with tomato sauce. i think i made rice and bulgar a few times. i stuck to my intermittent fasting routine. i ate a lot of dried figs. it is all a blur now.
the sephardi grandma downstairs, kept an eye out for me. she encouraged me to get out and take a walk. i couldn't. i couldn't face the world. i took the dogs out at 6:00 a.m. and again at midnight. i couldn't look at people. i couldn't have people look at me. i was certain that people would see how awful i was. i was certain that they were judging me for having been a bad sister. i was certain that they could see all my secrets in my eyes. i was terrified to go outside. it wasn't agoraphobia. it was sheer despair. i simply let go. i hadn't watched television for a few weeks. my new cable menu was in hebrew. i had limited programming in english. i recently started watching the food channel and fox news. i had the E channel and HBO. i didn't know how to start shows over. i don't even know if i have that on the menu.
i didn't really care. i lied around in bed all day watching 'chopped'. i was dizzy all the time. i think it must have been very hot but i couldn't process that. i couldn't really feel anything but grief. i couldn't focus on anything, really. i would watch the news but i couldn't really chap it. i started to panic and lost all sense of proportion. i would cry and feel hopeless. then i realized that i was stuck in the quagmire. i didn't want to be here anymore. i wanted to fade away. everything seemed impossible. and then my friends intervened. the message was 'do something and just get out'. they all told me that i was a good person and that bad things happen. one friend told me to move a chair. it seems so simple but all of my chairs were out of place. i actually moved a chair and things started to fall into place. i then washed a coffee cup. i also washed out some underpants. it's called baby steps.
i stopped by to visit a friend. she seemed happy to see me. i didn't look like a monster. i held my end of the conversation. i felt good. i made it out. i then went downstairs to see the sephardi grandma. i wanted to let her know that i had gone out. she had family visiting from out of town. her young sister-in-law died three years ago and left quite a few young children. i was afraid to go downstairs and visit with everyone. my grief was larger than everyone's. i realized that these young ladies could use some attention. it put my grief into perspective. i stayed downstairs until around 10:00 p.m. i felt good about myself.
it is friday and tonight is shabbat, once again. i will join the family downstairs for supper and i will go to my friend's for lunch. i am truly blessed. next week will be the 30th day since my sister died. it will be the official ending of my mourning. i don't feel like it is the end by a long shot but the holidays are closing in on us. we might be in a lockdown. who knows? we have to be good to each other and remember our humanity. for those of you who are in your own black holes, please find help and support. don't withdraw into yourselves. talk to a friend.
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