Saturday, August 31, 2013

The End Of A Year

it's 1 :45 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i have just returned home from saying the traditional prayer of 'selichot' in the local bomb shelter, which hosts a chabad minyon.  after shabbat ended, i rushed over to my sister's to see her newly married son and wife before they left.  i had called her home to see if she had come home from india, as she had not been in touch with me.  her daughter told me that she had returned on thursday.  once again, i felt hurt but tried to reason that she had been too tired to call me.

i had broken off my relationship with my 'gentleman caller' on thursday because i had also felt a certain amount of lack of interest on his part.  i guess you can call it bad timing, or you can say that it wasn't meant to be.  my sister said that it was all my old issues and my being alone for all these years.  after all, a live man asked me to marry him so it must have been my baggage that ended it.  my son said that i couldn't get married because i was too attached to my favorite t.v. shows.

i wonder how i manage to shop and cook all of the shabbat and holiday meals for them and also take care of their kids if i'm always on the boob tube.  i am a t.v. addict and i do watch for hours at a time but that is because i can.  i'm alone a lot.  somehow i was able to turn off the t.v. to go to work before i got sick.  i am always missing the end of a movie or to babysit or speak on the phone with a friend.  and i never used the t.v. as an excuse to get out of meeting my gentleman caller.  i'm constantly being interrupted while i'm watching t.v.  i'm always giving up adult viewing for children's shows.

since i ended my shidduch, i haven't even turned on the t.v. set.  i don't even miss it.  i am pretty down.  i don't know how things got so muddled up.  i really was looking forward to being married.  i truly enjoyed the male attention and liked his company.  i might have liked just being friends 'with benefits' as they say, in the modern world.  however, this is simply not accepted in the observant, charedi world.  i wanted so much to be able to say yes.  but then reality set in.  maybe the guy wasn't as bright as i had first thought?  maybe he wasn't able to support me as he had led me to believe?  maybe he was too religiously zealous for me?  maybe his health was worse than i thought?  what would happen if i died first?  who would take care of him?  who would take care of the both of us if we did make it to old age? etc.

i was driving myself crazy for weeks.  i started getting morbid.  well , more morbid than usual.  i started telling my son that i wasn't long for this world.  i even asked him to do me the big favor of getting my hebrew name correctly spelled on my grave.  i know i am a witch!  i was not feeling positive about  life so i'd like to think that it was all the doubts about getting married to this man that were taking over.

this is the end of the jewish year.  we start a new leaf and a new year on wednesday night.  i managed to turn off the t.v long enough so that i could bake two lasagnas last week for my grandson's birthday party.  i shopped for food for the entire holiday season and i also cooked four holiday meals and baked two honey loaf cakes that are in the freezer waiting to be defrosted.  i didn't watch that much t.v. i guess.

the threat of war has been hanging over our heads for weeks.  there are many syrian casualties of chemical warfare currently being treated in the zefat hospital.  israeli planes are flying over our heads all day long.  i can hear the sounds of katusha's landing in nearby places.  it is scary.  trying to order gas masks is an endless job.  may we be safe from our enemies and have a quiet and peaceful new year!!!!!  to be continued.....

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Gone Fishing

it is  nearly 2:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i haven't been near my blog in a while.  i had the grand kids until this week.  the granddaughter went back to childcare this week.  the grandson is still off from kindergarden.  i am on 'vacation' this week.  no grand kids, kids, floors, laundry, or anything else.

i actually got out last week to go to the annual klezmer music festival.  i went alone on wednesday night.  my friend up here is not a night person.  she wanted to hit town at 6:00 p.m. to get a bit of the atmosphere.  i wasn't ready to go out until 8:00 p.m.  i wasn't up for atmosphere.  i had a mission to do.  the band from the yeshiva, that i had cooked and mentored, was performing downtown in the old city at 10:00 p.m.  i didn't want to run into large crowds of people and get pushed around.

i was scared to death of being stuck in a crowd.  i didn't take the bus, either.  i knew from past experience, that it would be a huge hassle.  i didn't want to ride around for 40 minutes on a crowded bus.  i called a cab.  i knew that i would have to walk up from the central bus station.  the whole town was blocked off from traffic.

i was just getting out of the cab when i ran into the brilliant lady, whose torah class i had participated in until i got sick.  out of the blue, we got into a very heavy discussion about not bailing our kids out of all of their problems.  she recently, through the help of a mentor, stopped babysitting for her grand kids.  she urged me to quit, too.  she encouraged me to get more rest.  she encouraged me to get a life.  perhaps the discussion, wasn't so out of the blue.  i did let her know how tired i was from watching the kids all summer.

we spoke for a while and i made my way to the concert area.  i immediately, ran into the black sheep of the yeshiva.  he was in an italian ribbed undershirt and flannel bermuda shorts.  his tattoos all over his arms and legs were quite visible.  it felt so good to see him.  we engaged immediately in a soulful conversation.  the rav of the yeshiva passed by and did a double take when he realized who i was.  i was decked out in a shoulder length red wig.  i had tons of eye makeup on, too.  i hadn't seen these guys in 8 months and i wanted to look good.

i hung with this young 29 year old male for dear life.  i didn't move from my spot.  i was asked if i was his mother by a young lady.  i was also asked if i was his girlfriend by another young man, who probably had a few beers.  i  finally saw the rest of the guys.  the lead singer gave me one of his cds.  it was so very bitter sweet.  i miss that time of my life.  that time of my life when i finally got out of the house and established myself in a job and new lifestyle.  i missed that time of my life before i had cancer and health issues.  i missed all of the positive energy i received and gave out.  i missed being affiliated.

i was hoping to connect with my male suitor but i didn't see him.  i must have been putting out strong vibes because one of the guys called him at home to let him know that i was there.  i felt instantly elated when i saw him.  it was cool.  i couldn't really let loose and dance but i enjoyed watching him dance with the guys.  i ran into a few people who knew me before cancer treatment.  this was my re entrance into reality.  i ran into a long time friend who has alzheimer's.  she knew me right away.  she didn't however, remember my name or that i had been sick.  she looked great.  i escorted her to her house and then went back to get my guy.

the concert ended about 1:30 a.m.  i had a fresh fruit drink and we sat on a broken bench and spoke until 3:30 a.m.  i finally caught a cab home and didn't fall asleep until nearly 5:00 a.m.  i had the grandson with me all day.  he was very tired and he stayed in and watched videos all day long.  i stayed in a prone position on the couch as long as i could.  that night i watched the both kids while the so called grown up kids, went to the music festival.  i passed out.  they grandson stayed up all night and played on the floor while i slept.

 i couldn't move the following morning.  i stayed in bed to well after 1:00 p.m.  i had to force  myself up to have some breakfast.  i was in no shape to cook.  i opted to make a simple shabbat.  i didn't run to the supermarket, either.  i had already shopped for what i needed.  and whatever was missing was going to be missing.  it took another couple of hours for me to start the meals.  i made a quick chicken cholent for saturday's lunch.  i threw in some boiled eggs.  i also made stuffed peppers with chopped beef.  i defrosted some leftover barbecued chicken wings from the freezer and made some niles perch with potatoes.  i had some chumus and made a green salad.  that was it.  i did the floors with a wet wop.  i  watched the grandkids for an hour while the daughter-in-law went to pick up my son.  i  gave her money to buy some fruit for dessert.  i didn't watch the kids so that she could go to synagogue.  i passed out until it was time to eat.

i told my son that i was going on vacation this week.  he wanted to know where i was going.  i let him know that i was staying in bed.  i felt scared that they wouldn't take me seriously.  i kept on listening for foot steps.  i felt enormously guilty not helping out with the kids.  i also felt bad about not wanting to see any of them.  it's never ever just a pleasant visit with them.  it's either 8 or 14 hour stints.  it's my making them shabbat meals every single week and spending wads of money.  it's also my son's disrespectful attitude when i voice my opinion.  it's the pressure of dealing with the spiders, the rats and the pigeons.  it's the pressure of being sick and broke.

anyway i got sick.  i have been overeating  and going on sugar binges for weeks.  i've been running on empty for weeks.  i have completely, shut down.  i am a wreck   i am depressed at being sick again.  i'm also upset with myself for gaining so much weight now.  i'm supposed to be on vacation.  i'm supposed to have a life.  my suitor was up in the hood today and called to ask if i needed help.  i didn't have the strength to get dressed nor the patience to see him.  that's not fair.  i didn't have the strength to get the medical papers in order to deal with my refunds nor did i have the strength to travel to get my dental bridge fixed.  i haven't showered or dressed in days.