Living The Life

 it is 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i am living the life of an invisible elderly person.  i walk the path of the least resistance.  i go out two times a day to walk the dogs.  i don't go into town.  i don't use public transportation.  i hardly get dressed.  i avoid people and particularly, children.  i go to the local supermarket when i run out of chai tea or almond milk.  right now the store doesn't have any almond milk.  i bought a coconut rice milk last week.  it probably will be good in my baked oatmeal muffins or banana shakes.  i am not sure if it will tasty in my chai tea.

the health food store no longer receives pompadour or celestial seasonings teas.  i am desperate enough to buy the Israeli brand.  it is pretty weak.  i am forced to use 2 bags at a time.  it is also very expensive.  i pay $5 for 25 tea bags.  this is not something i am prepared to give up; although i do think about it.  how can i justify this spending on tea and almond milk? it sounds pretty ridiculous, i know.

i do not take walks anymore.  i pretty much stay in bed watching the food network all day.  my body aches.  i have managed to maintain my weight; which is miraculous considering i do not move.  i tend to eat all day long, too.  i try to start my nightly diet early.  i try not to eat after 7:00 p.m.  our shabbat starts these days around 5:00 p.m. so it is easy to stop eating by then.  i no longer limit my carbs consumption.  i have no muscle tone left on my body.  i am a thinner , more giggly, me.

 i am eating pretty simple foods now.  i have no patience to cook anymore.  i even started eating my oatmeal raw.  i pulse it in a machine with an apple and wheat germ and a couple of dates or dried figs.  today i added peanuts.  it is like a paste and then i add almond milk.  it is similar to muesli without the slivered almonds and raisins.  i also make chicken wings in a pot and add the rice and water.  i don't bother adding spices or even salt.  i share it with the dogs.  on some days; i eat almost all of the rice and give the dogs the chicken.  i like my large lettuce salads with hard cooked eggs, beets, walnuts and tuna.  i know, it's weird.  i have an apple and raw peanut butter every day.

yesterday i found a chocolate wafer in the street.  i wanted to eat it ;badly.  i saw it again this morning.  i was tempted to open it.  i managed to throw it out this morning.  i had a third of a can of barbecue pringles in the closet and thought about eating it.  i imagined myself doing a food binge.  it has been a year without food binges.  i am not a person who can have one scoop of Ben And jerry's or one piece of chocolate.  i am not cured.  i still have urges; like an alcoholic.  i simply speak to that inner voice that eggs me on to eat bad things.  i just tell said voice, that it will not be good for me in he end.  i will be broken if i gain back all the weight i lost.  i feel so much better without that extra bulge.

i simply do not give myself permission to hurt myself with food anymore.  and yes, some days i eat too much and on those days; i start my nightly fast earlier.  it is amazing to be able to fit in my clothes and not have to rely on elastic waistband skirts.  my clothes are getting larger these days.  yeh!!