Is This All There Is?

It is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i just got back from walking the dogs.  i didn't see anyone and i didn't hear the men praying this morning. perhaps they are back inside now.  i haven't checked the latest corona guidelines.  tonight is Shabbat.  i just defrosted pitas, chicken parts and salmon.  i want to make a supermarket run.  i am holding myself back.  i am sure that i can make it until Sunday.  i can cook couscous, black lentils, rice or bulgur.  i just have to decide on one.  i only have two apples left.  i do love my fruit. i want to buy more apples but I don't want to see people.

my toothache came back with a vengeance.  i took two pain pills and kind of passed out last night.  i woke up at 5:00 a.m. and the television. was still on.  i wanted to watch another episode of my favorite show, "better call Saul".  to my great disappointment; i realized that last week's show was the season's finale.  what do i do now?  there is nothing to look forward too, once again.

i made my morning elixir.  i added a mint green tea today.  i do not really feel like drinking this.  i am a bit depressed.  i am feeling hopeless this morning.  my son needs me to come to Jerusalem for a week to help with the baby.  in ordinary times, before the rona; i would have already jumped on a bus to get there.  if i was still working; i would have hired a driver to take me there.  the truth is that i am afraid to leave my neighborhood.  i am scared to travel and i am scared to be around my grandkids.

i feel like such a loser.  i feel like a helpless old fool.  if i got sick i would be a bigger burden to my son.  my dog sitter is currently stranded in California.  how could i leave the dogs alone?.  could i really rely on the Sephardi family downstairs, to let the dogs out every day? the little dog might be okay but the larger one would surely get in trouble and bother people.  i am not allowed to bring them to Jerusalem.  the daughter-in-law would never go for this. without a paycheck, how could i travel and navigate for a week?

so i sit here in my blog room; and feel useless.  that just might be the title of my next blog. if this was just an ordinary flu i would risk it all.  they have pretty much made us seniors feel like it is a death sentence.  sometimes i feel, that my son would benefit from my death more than my assistance.  i get stuck and can not see the whole picture.  my codependence behavior and thinking is spiraling out of control. i cannot save anyone.  i doubt that i can save myself.

i haven't felt this dark in a while.  my head hurts and my gums are throbbing.  i have a serious dental problem and no where to g to fix it.  i am scared to death to go to a dentist now. i just hope i will get through Shabbat without suffering too much. isn't life swell?

1:00 p.m. update:    i just broke my nightly 16 hour fast.  i am trying very hard to be careful when i chew.  i just made a batch of oat flour banana apple muffins.  i added peanut butter to replace the oil.  my neighbor brought over a few of her amazing challah rolls.  the fruit truck just parked in front of my house so i bought apples and of course, more bananas.  life is looking up!

i just tasted a muffin.  the peanut butter took away all the sweetness from the banana.  perhaps it needed another banana.  it probably would have been better with the addition of some dates.  you can't taste the cinnamon or the apple.  not my best creation. oh well.....