it's 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. today is a fast day. i am exhausted. i stayed up until 2:30 a.m. to watch the talent portion of the X- factor. it is sunny but cold outside. i don't have the strength to go outside. i have a lot of things to take care of this week.
i called the nurse in the oncology ward to find out if she got to speak to the social worker on thursday, to get me into the hostel. she won't be in until after 2:00 p.m. today. i tried calling the social worker directly. i left a message. i am feeling a bit agitated already. i am trying to stay calm. i don't have the strength to raise my voice. i am fasting. i want comfort food. i want a hot drink. i want to have energy to move. i have none.
my son just stopped by. apparently, one of the shabbat guests caught this virus, that they claimed didn't effect adults. he is now throwing up. my son also feels like crap. i feel like my number is up. i feel like a time bomb. i am terrified at the thought of getting sick before i start the chemo and radiation. i have to start dealing with all of this on my own. the kids are too ignorant to understand what is going on. my throat is scratchy and i coughed a lot last night.
i have to go to town to get 4 prescriptions of meds to fight nausea and a consent form to buy the fifth one. that's 5 meds for nausea and 5 stages of grief. originally, they said that the tumor was 5 centimeters. what's up with all the fives, anyway????? i need to buy the 5 meds before i get to the treatment.. i also need to go to the post office to pick up the money that my sister sent. i then need to go to the money changer and get shekels. my sister also wired money directly into my bank account. this will probably end up biting me in the behind because you are not allowed to show foreign currency when you are in the social system. my poor behind has already been tatooed and will be the focus of the radiation.
i am trying so hard not to get emotional.. i am beginning to feel panic. i am also feeling awful. i have a bit of nausea. maybe this is a good chance to practice how to vomit. i am struggling with finding the good in every scenario. i am angry inside my gut. i am screaming inside my throat. i am going to start crying now. it's not because i'm feeling why me? it's more like i'm thinking how am i going to cope with all of this.
i need to clean my house and get all my papers in order. i need to buy toiletries and socks, and underware and more pads. i need to buy boots. i can't even stand up today. i need to do a huge amount of laundry. i don't feel well. i just paid part of my enormous water bill by phone. one less office to visit . i need to buy a card for my cellphone. this all involves going to town. i can't make it today. i can't will my body to move. i am cold and sick. i am feeling depressed.
do i call a rabbi and use the 'c' card and break the fast? or do i call the doctor and ask if i am allowed to fast? that both requires energy. i don't feel well enough to talk to anyone. i am waiting for the social worker to call me back.. why does everyone leave us poor cancer people hanging all the time?? this makes me mad and i feel the rage coming closer to the surface. i wonder how high my usually, low blood pressure is rising. i am becoming a real character.
my friend in new york has adopted a more extreme approach to life. her theme song is an old hard rock song by phil collins called 'i don't care anymore'. i am guilt ridden by the fact that for the past two months, i did nothing healthy. i ate what i felt like and didn't do any walking. i had fried donuts everyday and ate bad chanukah milk chocolates. i didn't eat any greens and i drank hot milk at night. i want to eat better during the tratment but i read such conflicting info. one page from the mayo clinic lists fruits that are great anti-oxidents. another page warns against eating said fruits. another page said that jst one bite of lettuce could be fatal. what's a cancer patient to do???
i thought about visiting an holistic nutritionist here in zefat but i've been warned that she is fanatical. i don't think i can be fanatical right now. i feel that it's a bit late for drastic food changes. yesterday, i had store bought applesauce for breakfast. it was so soothing. i also have been eating a lot of white challah with goat butter. i've kind of let my body decide what it wants to eat. everyone and his mother is doing an elimination diet right now. i think the chemo and radiation will do that for me with a lot of bad side effects to boot.
i feel like the bubble girl right now. don't touch me and don't breathe on me. i am losing my mind completely. i have the social worker and the nurse on my mind. i can't think about anything nice. the list of things to do is getting bigger. it's beginning to choke me. my niece and sisters want to shop for me. my sister doesn't like my bras. in normal times, bra shopping is traumatic, but now???? i wouldn't survive it. where are all the volunteers to take care of my dogs???? why should i care how i look during radiation and chemo? i just keep on remembering how mortified i was lying on the scanner for 25 minutes with my very white, flabby and dimpled exposed .behind sticking out?? is there nothing sacred anymore????
at least, i quit my job. don't have to worry about that anymore. i thought that i'd have some energy to go over today to introduce the new cook. i even imagined that i'd be up to spice shopping to restock the cupboards. sheer fantasy on my part. i can't even stand up and go into the bedroom to put away all my clothes. my mind is racing towards purim and pesach. i don't have a clue what will be. i got to take it one day at a time. today is a write off completely.