it's 8:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. the minute shabbat ended i turned on the boob tube to see who won the x-factor. it was a no brainer, i guess. i started feeling depressed today. after i did my blog on friday, i started reading about the radiation treatment. it was a big mistake. as i read about chronic side effects and the chances of the treatment causing more cancer, i got angry. i have to admit it wasn't towards G-d. i think it was directed at the doctors and nurses. i realize though, they are just messengers of G-d. i have to turn my head around.
i am a loose cannon. one minute i'm laughing and the next i'm crying. i seem to have panic moments. not the real deal of an actual panic attack, where your chest contracts and you can't breath. it's more like i keep on thinking about the what ifs. i am torturing myself and i seem to enjoy torturimg my family. i am not a tsadick. i am a witch. i can't seem to settle down. i feel like an invalid already. i saw an old lady in a wheelchair back in october, while i was at the zefat hospital. i didn't see any family around her. it was like seeing my future. i was terrified of becoming that lady. since then, i see an old lady alone in a wheelchair wherever i am. in every hospital i see her. i am haunted by her. i get freaked out every time.
i went out this morning to the end of the street. i haven't walked with the dogs in weeks. it wasn't really cold and it wasn't pouring. we have been blessed with downpours lately. as i walked the empty street, i revelled at the fog. i have always enjoyed a good walk in the fog. i walked normally. i wasn't in any discomfort and i didn't drag my leg. lately i've had a lot of pressure in the groin area and have felt a weakness and strain in my leg. i actually enjoyed the moment. i was at peace. i dreaded seeing a neighbor, but they were all holed up in their warm homes. the men were at shul. i didn't want the moment to end. i sat outside for a while drinking a cup of tea.
i no longer drink coffee. the smell nauseates me. i've made several cups only to throw them in the sink. i've made the very, trendy move to drink green tea. i like spearment. you don't get a high like form caffeine, but it's soothing. i enjoy tea. i never trusted tea drinkers. my ex- husband was a tea drinker. need i say more? i've always kept a fair variety of teas in the home, as part of my being a good hostess, but i never drank any.
i got back home after my stroll and decided that i needed to sleep. i didn't have any shabbat food or rolls but i didn't care. i didn't feel like eating. i wanted to sleep. i decided to pray. i haven't been able to utter a holy word since i got my diagnosis. i finished praying and decided to stay in. i was supposed to go to my son's for lunch. i also had a standing invite at my friends' on the next block. i decided that i didn't want to see people. i wanted to sleep the day away. i was having some quality time with the pooches.
just as i was getting nice and cozy in bed, my son and his friend came over. they wanted me to join them for lunch. i really didn't want to go. i got dressed but i put on too many layers because my bedroom was like an ice box. i kept a heater on next to the t.v. couch all shabbat long. this is not the time to be miserable and cold. as soon as i got to my son's home, i was miserable. my grandson was making too much noise and my grandaughter had a virus. another toddler was there and was coughing up a storm. i went into panic mode. i made a big fuss about not wanting to catch anything. then i felt like an old fool. it's hard to be gay when you're hurting and frightened. i find it hard to be around gorgeous young things, too.
last night i walked through the freezing cold to go out for the evening meal. it was only about a 7 minute walk but i was miserable. it was cold at my son's place and i was very uncomfortable. my grandson was acting up and hit me in the face with one of his toys. i was beside myself. my granddaughter was puking all over herself and i was not a happy camper. the food was really great and i ate up a storm, actually. afterwards, all i kept thinking about was all the side effects of the treatment. i started crying. the young lady guest told me how beautiful i looked in the wedding pix. i felt the need to explain that once i was beautiful. and even though it was only 4 years ago, i experienced bells palsey, right after the wedding.. tell me, who would really want me at their dinner table?
the kids wanted me to sleep over but i bolted out the door and ran home in the freezing cold. i think i begged my son, in case of my demise, to let my sister have any furniture that she wanted. i got the house and all the 'antique' furnishings. i've been paying through the nose, to insure these nearly broken down antiques, ever since. i am out of control. i told my son that it is not his job to make me happy. i need to find my own happiness in spite of this disease thing. i have to come to terms with it and find a way to love it and accept it. i can't lose patience with the rest of the world who aren't sick. living at the hostel is my best shot.
i need to be with people in my 'c' club. i need to join group sessions. i need to find a way to love myself. this is an impotant life lesson. i hope i'll enjoy being in tel aviv and feast on the atmosphere. maybe if i'll have enough energy i'll be able to take walks on the beach. my family sent me a bit of money to hold off the creditors for now. i might get some assistance from the state, once i start the chemo. then i'll be a bonafide invalid. i'm praying that i will eventually regain my strength after they destroy my immune system. .i guess that's why they call it the 5 stages of grief. but do i have to have all five at the same time?
i called my son up on purpose to tell him who won the x factor. that was tonight's spiteful moment. to continued.....................