Friday, December 28, 2012

Dancing Til The End

it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  last night i went to a wedding.  i was trying to convince myself that i was too tired to go.  i was back in 'invalid' mode.  i got a late start to town and i called a taxi.  i picked up the rest of the meds for nausea and went over to the health food store.  it's funny, that all the meds list nausea as common side effects of the meds.  catch 22 or western medicine?

i bought a natural toothepaste, deoderant, and liquid soap.. no more aluminum for me, right now.  i was tired after a short time.  and i was ravenous.  i stopped in a little pizza store at the end of town.  no one was there.  i sat down and devoured a lovely slice of pizza.  it tasted like ambrosia.  i waited a moment and ordered one more slice.  i couldn't finish it but i was happy.  i have never eaten 'junk food'  and pizza was never something  that agreed with me.  suddenly, my body wants icecream, crembos, pizza, shwarma and i don't gain weight.

maybe this disease agrees with me.  i am being ridiculous, i know.  i saw a young lady in town wearing a purim wig.  she worked at the toy store.   i was so delighted to see her.  purim is my favorite time of the year.      i got such a rush of happiness.  i wanted to say that purim is a state of mind.  and everday can be purim.

i got to the wedding and couldn't wait to see the yeshiva guys.  they have never seen me all dolled up.  they have never seen me with hair.  they have seen me in kerchiefs with a little grey hair showing, and without makeup.  they freaked out.  it was just like purim for me.  heads turned.  the rabbi looked in shock.  his mouth was wide open.  it was so much fun.  and then all the ladies came running over to tell me how great i looked.  i hugged and kissed and hugged some more.  i was surrounded by great ladies.  half of the table were cancer survivors or patients like myself.  we all gave each other blessings for good health.

i decided that i couldn't dance.  after all, i have cancer, right?  then i saw a very lovely lady who i've known for a while.  she has had MS for years.  i recently  saw her riding in a motorized cart.  there she was, standing and walking on her own.  i ran over to hug her.  she told me, that as of late, she has been feeling well.  i decided right then and there, that if she could walk, i could dance.  and i ran over to dance with the bride.  i then started a wild dance in a corner with a few of the over 60's club.

we all went insane.  we were rocking and rolling.  the younger girls with hypo energy , came running over to rock with us.  we were being caught on video.  we were the hit of the wedding.    we were on fire.  my farhead was soaked with sweat.  i learned yesterday, that you can be happy and have cancer.  i learned that zelda is still here.  i realized that the doctors have only seen scared little zelda.  they didn't meet zelda, the dancing queen.  they don't know me.  i am loved.  i have a good life.  i am fun to be around. i am a survivor.

i got to speak with several of the guys from the yeshiva.  i gave them hell for smoking.  i also gave them tons of brachas.  one of the younger ones, who has made me his surrogate mom, yelled out ' i love you'.  i smiled and told him 'right back at you'.  i caught another guy staring at me. this one is the 'tough' guy.  i turned my head , caught his eye and smiled back at him.  it was a intimate and lovely moment.  i will treasure all these moments forever.

i am going to my son's for shabbat meals.  this is my farewell shabbat.  i hope my grandchildren are well.  doesn't matter.  everything is good.  i finally get it.  love is all you need.    shabbat shalom.

1 comment:

  1. So much to say/write and jumbled words in my brain.
    You are a person of value.
    Cancer is a disease and it can be debilitating and cause nausea, pain, depression, anger.
    You need not not be alone nor should you!
    You need to learn to accept help from others and not be the nurturer for now you need nurturing.
    Unfortunately you also need to maneuver within/through the gov'tt/bureaucracy in order to get the assistance that you deserve financially and medically in order to survive.
    You know that I will gladly help you with anything I can but I would need to know with what -travel companion or in the hospital for treatment or in making any of the many annoying phone calls.
    Pack your phone charger and of course your Siddur and Tehillim.
    If you specifically want or specifically do not want visitors you need to make it known so as to protect yourself. It is your choice on how you want to handle things.
    If you ever need to talk/rant/scream late at night- I tend to go to sleep after 2am.