it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i went to town, but didn't get anything done. it was a waste of my energy. now when the nurse asks me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how tired am i, i can answer 9, easily. i am really not feeling good. i did go to bed last night at 4:00 a.m. i am ashamed to admit that i watched hours of violent movies. i saw 'midnite express' and 'scarface', but i can't recall what i watched after that.
i woke up in a panic. i called the hospital to confirm my appointments for chemo and radiation tomorrow and then i broke down and started crying. i am really scared. i don't have any energy to pack. i don't know what i'm doing. the house is in order, at least. the bedroom is still cluttered up wtih clothes strewn all over the bed. i meant to put everything away. it didn't happen.
i read different sites of what to eat on chemo. apparently, i've been feeding the cancer cells with all of my cravings for cake, chocolate, icecream and pizza. and here, i thought, it was zelda who wanted the comfort food. who knew????
i am tired of thinking about all of this. i want to call it a night. i need to cut my hair before i leave. i need to pack. i need to put away my clothes. i need to cook and eat some salmon. i am already feeling queezie. i managed to buy a hard covered note book for my journal.. i have my meds, my organic toiletries, and i want to make some oatmeal to bring with me. i read that it is good to eat a small meal before chemo and another, before radiation.
i bought a small alarm clock, in case i sleep too late in the morning. i haven't been getting up at 5:00 a.m. lately. i usually pop up at around 7:00 a.m. i haven't a clue what to wear tomorrow. i read that loose clothes are the best. i also read that some people gain weight on this treatment. can you imagine doing all of this and also getting fat???
i still need to take down all the mezzuzahs in the home. i am beat. can't do anything. am trying to just breathe. i want to cry. i am so out of my league here. i don't want to say anything negative. i'm willing myself to feel well. i better get up and eat something or cook something. the house is already cold. why am i nauseous?? i hope it isn't a virus or reaction to the shabbat food. i am having a hard time. when was the laat time i packed to leave my house? would you believe it was 13 years ago?