Going Away

it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i went to town, but  didn't get anything done.  it was a waste of my energy.  now when the nurse asks me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how tired am i, i can answer 9, easily.  i am really not feeling good.  i did go to bed last night at 4:00 a.m.  i am ashamed to admit that i watched hours of violent movies.  i saw 'midnite express' and 'scarface', but i can't recall what i watched after that.

i woke up in a panic.  i called the hospital to confirm my appointments for chemo and radiation tomorrow and then i broke down and started crying.  i am really scared.  i  don't have any energy to pack.  i don't know what i'm doing.  the house is in order, at least.  the bedroom is still cluttered up wtih clothes strewn all over the bed.  i meant to put everything away.  it didn't happen.

i read different sites of what to eat on chemo.  apparently, i've been feeding the cancer cells with all of my cravings for cake, chocolate, icecream and pizza.  and here, i thought,  it was zelda who wanted the comfort food.  who knew????

i am tired of thinking about all of this.  i want to call it a night.  i need to cut my hair before i leave.  i need to pack.  i need to put away my clothes.  i need to cook and eat some salmon.  i am already feeling queezie.  i  managed to buy a hard covered note book for my journal..  i have my meds, my organic toiletries, and i want to make some oatmeal to bring with me.  i read that it is good to eat a small meal before chemo and another, before radiation.

i bought a small alarm clock, in case i sleep too late in the morning.  i haven't been getting up at 5:00 a.m. lately.  i usually pop up at around 7:00 a.m.  i haven't a clue  what to wear tomorrow.  i read that loose clothes are the best.  i also read that some people gain weight on this treatment.  can you imagine doing all of this and also getting fat???

i still need to take down all the mezzuzahs in the home.  i am beat.  can't do anything.  am trying to just breathe.  i want to cry.  i am so out of my league here.  i don't want to say anything negative.  i'm willing myself to feel well.  i better get up and eat something or cook something.  the house is already cold.  why am i nauseous??  i hope it isn't a virus or reaction to the shabbat food.  i am having a hard time.  when was the laat time i packed to leave my house?  would you believe it was 13 years ago?