it's nearly 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. my son just called to ask what i had in the house to make him a breakfast. it took all of my energy just now to heat up a glass of warm milk for myself. what do i have in the house?. let's see. i bought a bag of rolls yesterday, a bag of milk and a bag of dog food. i bought a shwarma for dinner and i had a roll with avocado. i also ate 2 israeli crembos, a poor man's mallomar. i never eat these. i am starving.
i do not have the energy to cook. my son asked if i could make shabbat meals for them. are you kidding? he doesn't get it. i launched into a rant. a quiet one, but nevertheless, a rant. i told him that i am in no shape to cook, receive guests, or be a guest. i cannot babysit anymore. i cannot worry about his overdraft anymore. i cannot have them live here now. he wants to move back home. his rav thinks that would be a tremendous chessed on my part. does his rabbi know what cancer treatment is?? does his rabbi know how tired i will be?. or how tired i already feel?
does his rabbi know that i already blew my savings and inheritance the first year they moved in? does the rabbi know how much noise they made and how they disrespected me? Does the rabbi know that i raised their first child and gave up my yoga and exercise regiment? does he know how the kids used huge amounts of water and electricity and refused to pay for i? does he know that the kids left my house wothout letting me know and that they didn't speak to me for 3 months? does he even know that i was kept from seeing my grandchildren during that period? does he know that none of their problems is really my problem?
i must maintain my stance. these kids do not know how to budget. they do not listen or take advise. i cannot afford to bail them out. giving them money that i can't afford to give away, only goes into their black hole. i am broke and am out of work. i am relying right now on the kindness of my siblings. i can't afford to share it with my son. that sounds awful but it's the truth. i am in no condition right now to make any major decisions. is their rabbi going to co- sign on their lease? will he reimburse me when they don't pay the electric bill?
everything these kids have , i bought them. stove, refrigerator, beds, closets, table and chairs, couches, candlesticks, kiddush cup, even silverware. i wanted them to start off right. the other parents gave nothing. they had nothing and gave nothing. i gave whatever i had. i didn't save a penny for my future. i still have the house and will probably have to sell it. but right now i can't think about all of this. i have to remain calm. i cannot leave the quiet zone. i start chemo on monday.
i just got a a call from one of the sephardi clan. i actually like this lady. she has been sick for a while. she always smiles and you would never know that she isn't well. she is one of these fanatic sephardi returnees to religion. i respect her beliefs. she is amazing!
now i have blown the entire morning. i got to get to town now. to be continued...........