Blue Blue My World Is Blue

it is 11:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  about 12 hours ago i was informed that my baby sister had died this morning.  she was 65 years old.  we hadn't been speaking for a while.  i think it was now two years or more since we communicated.  i always thought that one day we might reach the point that we could greet each other in the street with a smile.  we live in this little mystical town in the north and yet we never seem to run into each other.  my heart is broken.  i stood by her makeshift grave and i begged her to forgive me.  i told her that i never wanted to have to meet  her at her own grave.  she was side by side me when i was sick.  i was happy that i had her full attention.  i am pained that she chose not to let me know how sick she was.  i was devastated that i didn't get the chance to tell her goodbye and let her know that i never stopped loving her.  sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Never Can Say Goodbye

it is 8:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i finally passed out at around 4:00 a.m. this morning.  the dogs nudged me at their usual time but i couldn't budge.  i finally took them out at 6:45 a.m.  i didn't see any creatures this morning.  the large fox, the little jackal and the massive rock hyrax were no where in sight.  i guess they had retreated into the valley at the end of my street.  i have spent the better part of the month; dealing with the cable company.  i was trying to get a cheaper rate and a senior citizen's rebate.  i had no luck and tried to cancel my account.  that's when the real fun began.  in the end they offered me a really good deal and even offered me a giant rebate.  i refused to deal with them a moment longer.

i finally cancelled the service and the monthly payment with the bank.  i have not received any notice as to when they will come to retrieve their boxes.  another company told me that this cable group, simply doesn't care.  they helped me file an official document; cutting off my relationship with the previous group.  i am waiting for a lawsuit but it would probably take some time, i'm guessing.  i ended up not going with the second company.  it was more than i was prepared to pay and it involved their installing a satellite dish on my roof.  my having stopped working at the yeshiva; has taken it's financial toll on me.

we are in the midst of another, bloody heatwave.  it is very humid, too.  i ran around in it for a couple of days but i hardly left the house yesterday.  i only took the dogs out twice.  they are too hot to go out, too.  my house is like a suana.  the fans are not really helping all that much.  i'd be a goner without them.  i'm simply,not drinking enough water.  this is not a new problem.  i don't seem to keep myself  properly hydrated in the summer.  i will try to eat some watermelon, soon.

i haven't watched any television since the service was terminated on friday.  i felt liberated.  i had been enslaved by the lure of binge watching  programming.  i did download a movie on you tube yesterday.  i also opened up a Facebook account.  i really don't like it.  i feel that my privacy has been invaded.  people are coming out of the woodwork to befriend me.  it is not my cup of tea.  i feel like a voyeur looking into my family's windows to catch a peak at their kids.  it doesn't bring me closer to anyone. it makes me feel more isolated from everyone.  i guess i'm unique in this respect.

i signed with another cable company which offered me a more modest plan.  i'm hoping that the VOD content, alone; will suffice.  i think everyone offers HBO these days.  i realized that i don't really like HBO that much.  so much of it is politically correct dribble.  i'm more of an action fan.  i will miss my 'blueblood' and SVU shows.  what can i do?  i can't afford to keep all the channels.  i live alone, and do not watch sports and children's programming.  i don't think i will miss the reality channel.  i have definitely, stopped keeping up with the kardashians.

i have been sleeping in a bedroom lately.  i switch from room to room nightly; depending on how cool the room is.  i have tried to download free streaming television with no success.  i have been posting a lot of charles aznavour music videos on my timeline.  they are all very schmaltzy and dramatic.  i am in a rather tragic mode.  one of my siblings is in a terminal medical state.  i have been getting urgent text messages for over a month now.  yesterday, i truly thought the end was here.

i completely fell apart.  i cried so loud and hard that i started hyperventilating.  i thought that i might pass out.  i called a friend but i couldn't really speak.  i needed to figure out how to call a niece but i wasn't really in any shape to speak to anyone.  i waited for several, excruciating hours; just to know if my sibling was still among the living.  as of now, i was told that they had stabilized her.  it doesn't really tell me much.  and neither does her family.  i am pretty much out of the loop.

 on sunday, i lightly sprained my ankle while out with the dogs.  i limped back to my house and broke my nightly fast.  i rubbed my trusty arnica oil on my foot and had a cup of chai tea.  i had to go to the bank because there was a computer glitch with the monthly payments for the cellphone company.  i took a bus and then walked into town.  it was only about a fifteen minute walk, downhill.  i  bought some things for the grand kids.  they might be coming during the summer break.  i stopped into a few stores.  i didn't get back until after 3:00 p.m.  my foot suddenly started hurting very badly and i couldn't put much weight on it.  i limped over to where i could flag down a taxi.  i spent several hours in bed enduring excruciating pain.

my foot is already healed.  my heart, is another matter.  it is broken.  i haven't spoken to my sibling in a couple of years.  i had thought that we might reach some sort of reconciliation before she passed.  alas, i don't think it is meant to be.  oh how i long for yesterday!   to be continued...............

The End of the World

Liars And Cheats

it is now 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed. today starts the nine days before the 9th of av.  that is a long fast day which commiserates the destruction of the two ancient temples.  we refrain from gaiety.  we do not eat chicken or meat and we do not drink wine.  we can eat them on the sabbath.  i spent a few hours dealing with the cable company.  i did not get the senior's discount in the end.  they also did not enter my identity number on my account.  they offered me some kind of new package but i refused to deal with them anymore.  

i told them to cancel my account.  of course, they wouldn't say when they would come to pick up the cable boxes.  i need to call these liars and crooks next week.  i intend to cancel my monthly payment at the bank.  i think i will go tomorrow.  they might just sue me.  i don't want these jokers to receive one penny more from me.  they have tortured me for nearly a month.  i asked to cancel certain programs and they didn't do it.  they didn't keep an account, either of the numerous phone conversations i had with these jerks.

it is really hot and humid and i felt faint twice today.  i am pretty upset today.  i have been inside all day long.  i showered and wanted to get out but i decided to call the cable company for confirmation.  they promised me last week that i had indeed, received the discount and they had taken care of the identity number.  they said that everything was okay and that i would get the conformation this week.  i started this process three weeks ago.  i had a two day stomach virus in between.  it took me an entire week to get back on my feet.  I've wasted precious time dealing with these donkeys.  i do not have the strength to look into another company now.

i am seriously considering getting pirate t.v.  my friend has it and she gets to see the latest shows and movies for free.  i have been paying through the nose for years and i am left watching 'friends' reruns every night.  i opened a face book account but it isn't really doing anything for me.  i got to see family pix and it depressed me and didn't make me happy.  it confused me more.  it also made me feel isolated more.   it didn't give me the feeling that i was sharing with anyone and it didn't bring me closer to anyone.  it made me feel like a voyeur looking in through people's windows.

i am in a bad funk.  everything sees undo-able.  it is taking its toll on me.  i am miserable.  i feel like i lost my best friend in the world.  i feel that no one really wants to be in touch.  maybe everyone else is feeling like this.  maybe this is a corona head symptom.  i don't know.  i just know that i am ready to start screaming. i am beyond frustrated.  i think i might just start crying but i am afraid that i won't stop.

One More Thing To Deal With

it is 8:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i got an SMS from my cell phone carrier yesterday; informing me that they no longer accepted my debit/credit card.  the lady was extremely decent and sweet and helpful.. i couldn't fully deal with it on my smart phone.  i do not have an app for for my bank.  my daughter-in-law's sister tried to access my new debit card and, of course, they couldn't send me the secret code.  i thought that i could just, simply, forward the SMS to the bank app but i couldn't find it.  it was on my phone temporarily but it just, simply, disappeared.

the woman from the phone carrier actually, inquired about  my well being during corona.  i nearly cried.  after being abused by the cable people for days on end;this was a very beautiful exchange.  i still had to leave my house to go to the bank.  i jumped on the bus and was there in five minutes.  unfortunately, the bank was closed.  who knows their hours???  i decided to walk home.  this was not one of my best decisions.

i needed to move because i had overeaten a lot yesterday.  i made it home but the last stretch was a bit tricky.  it is normally a 20 minute walk for me.  a younger person could do it in 10 or 15 minutes.  however, a younger person wouldn't be walking.  they all have cars, bicycles, motorcycles or electric scooters.  i chose to take the longer; round about way home; because i wanted more exercise.  i thought that i might pass out.  i was overheated.  i chose not to sit for awhile and i proceeded up several flights of steps to my house.  i didn't move much once i got home.  i had a simple green salad with a boiled egg for supper.  i started my nightly fast at 7:00 p.m.

i must go to the bank now because i can't do any banking on my smart phone.  i will shower and change and take the bus there.  i broke my fast at 7:00 a.m.  i had two oat meal muffins and a cup of chai tea with rice almond milk and a slice of fresh ginger.  i shared some of the muffins with the pooches.  i added green squash, banana, carrot and apple this time.  i wanted to create a sugar and flour free zucchini cake like muffin.  i don't add sweeteners so i relay on bananas for the sweetness.  we don't often have real zucchini here and the light green squash is a bit bitter.  most carrot and zucchini cakes and breads are loaded with  a ton of sugar.  the addition of an apple and a carrot didn't really add much sweetness.  i did add quite a lot of cinnamon and vanilla extract for taste.  they were actually, not all that bad. 

i think with all the new gluten free, sugarless, keto and diabetic friendly recipes, one must have a good imagination.  take for instance; my banana ice cream.  it is simply frozen banana slices with a splash of almond milk processed in a mini machine.  it tastes wonderful and is super refreshing.  is it ice cream?  i don't think so but for me it is.  it has the texture of sherbet.  sometimes i add frozen cherries and sometimes i add chopped walnuts.  when i add the walnuts i imagine that i am lingering over a pint of Ben and jerry's 'chunky monkey' ice cream.  i don't go out of my way to buy chocolate chips to add to the concoction because i am a chocoholic.  i can't have any in my home. i don't even enjoy the taste anymore.

Worn Out And Broken

it is 8:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i am beat.  i am exhausted and i am depressed.  i have been trying to deal with the cable company for a couple of weeks, now.  i spent six hours on the phone yesterday.  the liars promised to call today.  i know they will not.  i sent a letter to the company threatening legal action but i know they won't get it.  i want to call them now to cancel my contract.  i do not have the strength to go to the bank and cancel my payments.  it will just be a mess at the bank.  i have the application but i am certain that i will not be able to arrange an appointment to see a clerk; on the phone.

my eyes are burning.  the dogs woke me up at 6:00 a.m. to go out.  i tried to roll over and ignore them.  i was so tired and defeated.  they got their way with me and i quickly threw on a skirt over my pajamas and went out.  they were like a tag team jumping all over the bed and me.  i didn't run into any people or other dogs.  i did see a huge hyrax run out of the bushes.  these are badger like animals indigenous in israel.  they are actually, a protected species.  they can tear a dog apart with their incredibly long claws. they look so innocent and cute.  on the kids cartoon show, 'wonder pets', a hyrax is one of the main characters.  this one, this morning; looked mean to me.

i also saw a small group of baby/toddler pigeons near the kid's playground.  they were so cute.  they looked like a small kindergarten group out on an outing.  i wish i had my phone to photograph them. it is 9:00 a.m. and no one has called me from the cable company. i am obsessed.  i just want to cancel these cheaters and try to find another company.  that isn't easy here.  i think there is only one other company and i think i might need a smart t.v. or a satellite dish.  i am really feeling uptight.

i just called the cable company and requested customer service.  of course, they do not know what this means.  once again; i asked if they received my fax.  she told me that they can only change my status by email.  i tried not to scream but i told her that; in no uncertain terms; would i do one more thing.  i told her to check right now that i got the senior's package or to cancel the service, immediately.  suddenly, she saw that they received my fax, my sms, the copy of my identiy card and my son's sms.  she saw my identity card and yet she didn't know to enter the correct number into my account.  i demanded that she enter the number immediately.  she was still using the identity number of my son.  and they were still using my number for some deadbeat in another town. she told me to be in touch with them next week.   

at this point i just want to cancel the cable.  i can get pirate t.v. for free.  why am i suffering this insane cable company.  thank the Lord, that i do not have internet or phone service with these fools. i do not have the strength to think about this another moment.  i still want to call the company to see if they actually, did change my number but i am afraid what it will do to me; if they didn't.

2:15 update:  i just couldn't help myself and i called the cable company again.  i got passed to other people and hung up on a couple of times before i spoke with someone.  they still hadn't added my identity number to my account but i think they removed it from the deadbeat customer in another town.  the new person said it was done.  i will have to call again next week to check up on it.

Cable Company From Hell

it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i have been on the phone since noon today trying to get the cable company to straighten out their records.  two weeks ago, before i got the famous stomach flu; i called the company to get a a better rate.  i have been paying through the nose;as they say.  after offering me a mere $10 discount; i told them to cancel the service because i wasn't working and i couldn't afford to pay anymore.  i probably mentioned that i was a senior and suddenly they offered me a great discount.

actually, it was half price.  it probably was less channels but it was well worth the money.  i needed to simply; supply them with a letter that i was receiving aid from the government for old age. i had gone to town to use a government machine in an office building but i needed a special code and i didn't know where i had put it.  i tried to get it online but i'm awful at these things.  i was lucky enough to have my daughter-in-law's sister here for shabbat. she used to work in the government office and she knew the ropes.

when shabbat ended, she was able to access the code on my smart phone.  she managed to send the letter yesterday from her workplace.  she told me to call the cable company to make sure they received her fax.  of course, they didn't.  they told me to call back on thursday.  when i called yesterday i was told that my identity number, like your social security number; was incorrect.  they insisted that it belonged to a lady in kiryat shimona. 

when i first ordered the cable, two years ago; they told me that i had a huge debt from my internet account in kiryat shimona.  i have never had an internet account with this company nor have i ever lived anywhere besides, safed.  i had to send them a photocopy of my ID and fill out a form to get my name on the contract.  my son ordered the service for me before he left safed.  when the technician came he had my son's name listed on the order form.  i told him to list my name and he said it wasn't a big deal.  for several months the company didn't charge me.  when i called them they told me that my name wasn't on the contract and in order to change it i needed to fill out a special request form.  i waited another two months for the form to arrive.

that was 2018.  as of today, they still refuse to put my I.D. number on my account.  as of yesterday; the account was still on my son's name and my I.D. number was still on that lady's account in kiryat shimona.  i told them today that i considered this identity theft and that i was contacting a lawyer.  i also threatened to cancel the payment at the bank.  no one gives a hoot. no one can pronounce my name there.  the closest is golda.  i started screaming yesterday like a banshee.  i called my son in a rage. he already isn't so cozy towards me because he says i'm too sarcastic with him.

he was at work and couldn't care less.  he told me to call them back.  they wanted me to go to the post office to fill out a form..  i refused and told them that i was high risk for covid and wouldn't be leaving my house.  they sent me a digital form.  i can use a smart phone now.  i entered my I.D. number and of course; it sent me back to the office.  i spent another couple of hours on the phone and called them every curse word in the world.  i told them to cancel the service. they said i couldn't cancel because the contract wasn't in my name. this is where i started to scream again.

they sent the digital form to my son.  my son didn't even fill it out.  i called him this morning and told him he had to send it back to these crooks.  he asked me to send a picture of my I.D.  it took me a while to master my phone camera.  i sent him a video.  he said he couldn't send it.  i finally sent him a very lopsided copy of my picture I.D.  they called me at noon to say that they received the forms.  they still haven't seen the fax from the national insurance company.  i've probably already been billed this month at the higher; full rate.

i am beside myself.  this has taken all of my energy for two days.  if i had any chocolate or cake in the house i'd drown my sorrows and go on a binge.  i refuse to gain weight over this.  if i had any money i would go to a lawyer.  i am very disappointed with my son.  i know that this problem isn't earth shattering but it is too much for me to do on my own.  i don't have much going on these days besides my t.v. shows.  when they hear my american accent they automatically transfer me to someone else; who either hangs up on me or puts me on hold for half an hour.  today they transferred me to an 'english' speaker who couldn't speak a syllable in english.  i am truly worn out.

It's Nearly Shabbat

it is 6:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  last week nearly the whole clan showed up for shabbat.  my kids arrived at midnight on thursday.  the kids had napped in the car so we finally all fell asleep at 3:00 a.m.  i went out in the heat with my granddaughter to buy the fixings to make a cheesecake.  the kids wanted a baking project to do with their grandmother, zelda.  we had two major meltdowns until the cake was in the oven.  i nearly forgot to add the sugar from all the yelling and crying.

the sephardi grandmother, who is temporarily living downstairs with her husband ; heard all of the screaming and invited the granddaughter to go downstairs to help her make challah.  that was my addition to the shabbat meals.  the sephardi grandmother cooked everything else.  we were eleven adults with 6 active children and two babies, one of which was recently born.

this time, after lunch; the adults decided to separate the girls from the boys.  i got the boys.  i had wanted to take a nap but no such luck.  the boys built a fort with one of my most heavy mattress and loads of pillows and blankets.  they are currently on the floor in the living room.  i didn't have the energy this week to put them away.  the baby, my grandson, was quite sick.  my daughter-in-law said that he had bronchitis.  i figured that it wasn't contagious, so i allowed them to come and stay up here with me.  i spent the day cleaning the house.

their little Yorkie is still not house broken.  she gets along swimmingly with my small female dog but she piddles all over the house and on the mattresses.  i am constantly running around with a wet mop cleaning up after her.  i actually sat and played, 'trouble' with my grandson and his cousin.  i play to win but i always lose.  my grandson always wins.  the boys raided the pantry and helped themselves to tons of snacks.  they also brought more from downstairs.  it was overkill.  although i avoided the chips and bambas, i did hit the cherries and nuts pretty hard.  i think i ate all day long.

by the evening, the baby had a high fever.  i ran to all the neighbors for liquid aspirin. my daughter-i-law decided to take the baby to the emergency room after shabbat ended.  it was a balagon, as we say here, in the middle east.  they performed a corona swab test on him and were not very gentle.  they were very aggressive and very nasty to my daughter-in-law.  my son wanted to get back to jerusalem.  he just started a new job and really couldn't miss any more work. 

i fell asleep at around 1:00 a.m. with both of my older grandchildren hanging on to me for dear life.  i never heard the daughter-in-law come home.  i got up at 7:00 a.m. to take the dogs out.  i saw that everyone was home.  they all got up and got out by 8:30 a.m.  it was very tense.  i was exhausted.  the hospital called to say that the baby didn't have the corona.  they said he had some other type of virus.  whatever he had, i got later that day.  i had awful diarrhea and stomach cramps.  i think i was feverish, too.  i slept for most of the day.  i did manage to take the dogs out a couple of times but i laid on the mattress on the floor for the next two days.  i hardly drank anything and i couldn't eat anything, either.

the next day i managed to drink a bit of water.  i couldn't get it together to make myself a cup of tea.  i did make some rice and i managed to eat it.  the day after i ate more rice and some cherries.  it has taken me the entire week to get back on my feet.  i fasted yesterday for 25 hours.  it was only a day fast but i did my nightly 12 hour fast, first.  i was pretty hungry last night.  today i felt like i had been hit by a bus.  i made some turkey necks and lentils and rice to break the fast.  i also made some banana and plum oat flour muffins.  they were very yummy.  i made spelt spaghetti and meatballs for shabbat dinner.  my friend invited me to come by for lunch.  i haven't seen her all week.  i hope i will get out tomorrow to be with people.  wishing you all a good shabbos.