Friday Morning Once Again

it's 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i'm sitting here on my blog even though i haven't had my morning coffee yet. it's grey and rainy outside and i'm in no hurry to run downstairs to buy some challah.

i have been in a funk since tuesday. i was very sad on monday and not really functioning. i babysat for my grandson for a little while, and cried as i rocked him to sleep. it was the first time in five years that i didn't make a dinner for my father's yirtseit. i felt pretty guilty. i didn't call my sister and she wasn't in touch with me, either. zvi came home from work and was upset that we weren't having a dinner for dad, too. it was like a non-event.

i woke up the next morning and made a batch of ginger snaps to bring to the old age center. i also brought a bottle of grape juice to distribute. the cookies got eaten, but no one drank the juice. one religious woman actually, said a prayer for dad, as she ate a cookie.

zvi agreed to leave work early to visit my father's grave. i told him that i'd be in touch. after i left the center, i stopped off at a local market to buy some veggies and fruit. i rushed home and started preparing the meal. i decided to make vegetarian stuffed peppers and a fish dish. i quickly cooked up some white rice and sauteed some carrots and celery. zvi was already home and wanted to leave so i left everything on the counters. i called my sister but she wasn't home. her husband said that she was on her way down to the cemetary. he apparently, wasn't going.

we spoke about this day, last shabbat. my sister said that it would be very easy to find a minyan of ten men to bring to the graveside because it was also, the yirtseit of the Rebbe's brother. zvi assumed that there would be people waiting for us at the grave. and my sister assumed that zvi would either bring or find a minyan there. i assumed that we could catch a minyan there, too.

we arrived at the cemetary at 3:00 p.m. and it was 'deadly' hot. the first thing that i noticed was that the plot directly next to my father's was taken. what a shock and utter disappointment! i had wanted to buy the plot and be buried next to my dad for awhile. i had planned to visit the office this week to inquire about the plot.

while we waited, zvi ran over to the nearby yeshiva to recruit a minyan. this time, there was no one there to help make a minyan. zvi returned and was rather upset with me. i wasn't too in love with him at that moment, either. gal had a doctor's appointment at 5:00 so zvi was in a rush to get back home. i wanted to stay awhile and say more psalms. i was trying very hard not to be angry. i also knew that i needed to stay with sahar while they went to the doctor.

my sister headed to another section of the cemetary and zvi and i went home, a bit broken spirited. on the taxi ride home, zvi suddenly remembered that he had brought baked goods and drinks to the shul last year. i immediately, got out of the cab and ran to the super and bought drinks, pretzels and cakes for zvi to take to the local shul at mincha.

the kids left and i put sahar in his playpen and started to make the meal. i poached some salmon and potatoes in a teriyaki soy sauce and made a tomato sauce for the stuffed peppers. i also made an apple cake. my sister came alone for the meal. her husband was under the weather and her daughter had tests. the rest of the family is out of the country. three of the grandchildren are in new york and the other one is in india with her husband and baby.

zvi went off to shul with the goodies and i finished the meal. i went to get the electric hot plate and thought about calling my sister in california to commiserate about the day. as i was thinking how this day was a 'non-event', i suddenly tripped over my hot plate and dropped it directly on my foot. i thought that i had broken a few toes. the pain was definately an event!

zvi came home from shul a bit elated. he said that the men had said blessings for dad. however, he was reluctant to come downstairs for the meal. he didn't eat a thing and gal ate just a bit. my sister and i were famished and really chowed down. everything was really delicious. i didn't bother to serve the icecream that i had bought earlier that day. the kids went upstairs to sleep and my sister stayed until 11:30 p.m. we never got around to speaking about dad.

i called my sister in california to schmooze. she was too busy to do something for dad this year. my foot throbbed but i put everything away and cleaned up.

on wednesday, i stayed in bed and binged the entire day. i ate almost the entire container of icecream and i finished all of the ginger snaps. i don't know if this is some form of bulemia on my part. yesterday, i went back on the south beach diet and ate a lot of chickpeas, peppers and tahina. last night, before zvi went upstairs, he asked if my sister was able to find a minyan after we left. he was apparently, still upset about his grandfather's yirtseit.

next year, i will be prepared and i will send an evening meal to the shul for the men to bless. i will also send a breakfast or lunch meal for the men to bless and we will bring a minyan ourselves, Gd-willing. somehow, i can still hear my father's voice saying, "do whatever is best for you". he would not have been upset. it was not his nature to hold grudges or judge.

now i have to think about buying challah and cooking a shabbat meal. shabbat shalom!