it is 1:00 p.m. in the city of zefat. the list of things to do is getting longer and most overwhelming. right now, i'm supposed to be going food shopping at the big supermarket for shabbat and shavuot.. i'm also supposed to be going to the clinic to pick up my blood test results. this requires a 5 minute walk to the bus stop and a five minute ride to the area. a simple 20 minute walk, has turned into climbing mount everest.
it is very gray outside, and quite muggy. definitely, looks like rain. as much as i don't want to be out in this weather, necessity warrants it. if it does rain, it will take one more item off of my list of things to do. like watering the lawn. up until now, we have received tons of rain and the garden never looked so flush, except for the lawn. it definitely, needs watering. that means using water, which means, paying a wad of money for the use. and of course, we still have the gardener to pay.
i managed to shower and get dressed yesterday evening. i actually, made it out to the small super below. i had planned to make a shiva call at 8:00 p.m. in the artist colony. i couldn't buy much because it was too heavy to carry back home. i did buy cream cheese and sour cream to make a new york deli style cheesecake this year. i couldn't find the right cheese for the lasagna, so i need to try the larger shop. the kids asked me to make a cholent for shabbat lunch this week. that means i need to buy chicken and possibly, some meat. they are having another young couple join us for shabbat. i would rather not have to participate but they might get offended if i don't come downstairs.
i didn't make it to the shiva call. at around 7:00 p.m., shortly after i returned home from the super, my son came home with the kids. the two of them were waiting for me on the steps outside. my son asked me to watch them for a bit. that is always risky. first of all, it's hard for me to be with them at this point of my recovery. i simply, do not have the stamina to run after them. my grandson is also, very hyper and always manages to injure me with flying objects and sometimes, by just jumping on me. the little one is also a head banger. and then, i am always in danger of catching the wrath of my daughter-in-law for taking over for my son.
i finally made an appointment to do the pet scan on sunday. i also made a doctor's appointment for the end of may. i feel like my life is hanging in the balance. i know that sounds a bit dramatic but i am waiting anxiously, to know my immediate fate. it was very hard for me to make the phone call to the doctors. i was going to call my sister and ask her to deal with it. since i've been home, i've kind of been on my own. in all fairness, she did escort me to the doctors a few weeks ago. i am planning on travelling alone on sunday. i don't know about the follow up visit yet. even though i've been ill for weeks, i still have been on my own. i get the feeling that my immediate family is bored with all my ailments. after all, a virus is not as exciting as cancer. lets face it, cancer is a free pass. and i use it wherever i go.
so i finally did my dishes. the ants are back. the rats are back. and the extremely, annoying, pigeons have come home ot roost on my bedroom porch and on the third floor apartment.. pigeon poo is not good for me right now. with a compromised immune system, it is asking for trouble. i sprinkled cinnamon on the sinks against the ants. they love clean surfaces. the cinnamon looks awful but it does hold them back somewhat. my son and i plus cloey the pincher, have bonded lately on many occasions in catching and killing a number of rats. talk about your quality time together !!!
i have a ton of laundry to do and i need to clean the house. i invited a few friends for lunch on shavuot day. that's next wednesday. i'm hoping i'll be able to rise to the occasion and manage to bake both a cheesecake and a lasagna. i was watching martha stewart today, and i saw some young cook make one. it was too gross to think about. i make a veggie lasagna using cottage cheese and grated cheese and tomato sauce. i don't go for the bechamel sauce trip. it's hard to get mozzarella here in larger quantities and ricotta is very overpriced. so i simply resort to lowfat cottage and any kind of pre-grated cheese. i've never had any problems to date.
my biggest hurdle is my health right now and financial crisis. i will survive! i just have to take it easy for a little while longer. to be continued.........
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Getting Back On Track
it is 5:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. every time that i feel like i'm getting right back on track, i have a setback. since i've been home, i've been sick constantly. after i got the house ready for a simcha, i collapsed into bed for a couple of weeks. i then rallied all possible strength to clean the house for pesach. after doing minimum amount of work, i collapsed into bed for the rest of pesach. it felt like the flu. i finally got back on my feet and celebrated independence day with a barbecue with the family. i ate like a truck driver and enjoyed everything. i had kebabs, franks, lamb chops, steak, chicken wings, liver and marshmallows. i also had fresh salads for the first time in months.
while i was in treatment, i avoided eating anything raw except bananas and green apples. the apples were a a life safer. sometimes when i couldn't eat or drink fluids, i would suck the juice from the apples. shortly after independence day, i experienced stomach flu like symptoms. and once again, i had diarrhea. at first, i thought that it was due to eating raw food. however, when it lasted for over two weeks, i was concerned. i brought in a stool sample just to check. i was told that there was an outbreak of dysentery in the country.
the diarrhea finally subsided and i felt well again. i managed to make it over to the clinic on my own. i took the local bus all by myself. it is a 20 minute walk. i used to run over to that area all the time by foot. i haven't done any extensive walking in months. i took a blood test for which i had to fast 12 hours, and brought in the stool sample. i even got to chat with the social worker. i used the wrong vial for the stool sample so i had to go back to the clinic the following morning.
i have been trying to get some money from the social services... i was promised all kinds of renumeration from the hospital social worker. i've had three social workers come to the house and pretty much, each one has proven to be ineffective. i've been kind of screwed by every law in the book. i was promised money to get in some household help but that never happened. each time i had a home visit, i would break down and cry. i felt so useless. not being able to do my floors, or laundry, or dishes, made me crazy and quite depressed.
while we had a cold spell and unseasonable torrential rain, i stayed indoors. the house was freezing. i had the chills. i didn't dare venture outside. i stayed in bed under a goose down comforter. we then went straight into a heat wave, and i stayed in once again. i can't seem to deal with extremes in weather. my immune system is shot. when i first got sick during pesach, i was actually delighted to have the common virus that everyone had. it made me feel normal. cancer makes you feel anything but normal. when i got over the virus, i felt very hopeful. cancer makes you feel less than hopeful
i did get a good report last month from both the radiologist and gyn-oncologist. they both concluded that the tumor was no longer visible. it was apparently, successfully, nuked away. Praise the Lord!! i do my pet ct mri in another couple of weeks, and i will find out hopefully, that the cancer is no longer in the lymph notes. it is very scary. i am afraid to think about the outcome. i still have loads of people worldwide, praying for my recovery. i can't wait to be completely cancer free and get back on track..
right now, i am suffering with an upper respiratory virus. i convulse when i cough.i spit up wads of phlegm. i was feeling well enough last week to venture out. i went to bring in my specimen and met a potential suitor for brunch. we met last summer at the yeshiva where i was working. we started 'dating' aright after sukkot. then i got ill. i tried to break it off when i found out that i had the tumor. he decided to hang in there and wait until i finished treatment. we corresponded by email for months. we have only met two times since i've been home. i haven't been strong enough to socialize.
i haven't really seen many people since i returned to zefat. it is still hard for me to be around people. i still feel traumatized. i know that i look well, in spite of the setbacks. i've put on weight and have some color. i did meet someone in town who was instrumental in getting me a bit more public assistance. she said that i didn't look as though i had been ill with cancer. that was a relief. i feel like i look like an invalid. that's my head trip, i guess. i'm afraid to face the world. i have lost about three friends since i've returned home. two to cancer, and another one this week, of lou gehrig's. i should be so grateful to have survived my ordeal, but i tend to be easily depressed.
my son moved back home with his family, about two weeks before i returned. they were in financial straights and begged to come back, rent free. i was too sick and weak to refuse them. it has been an adjustment, to say the least. my grandson sneaks up here at all hours of the day. i hear the creaking of the door and then he appears. 3:00 a.m., 5:00 a.m., 7:00 a.m., 5:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., 9:00 p.m. even the toddler crawls up the stairs to visit. when i first got back i was totally helpless. my daughter-in-law did my floors and prepared food for me. i tried desperately to stay out of her way. i was too weak to lift my grandson in my arms. climbing up the stairs was very hard. going food shopping was out of the question. i felt like a 90 year old lady.
since i've been recently sick, i haven't had the energy to go to the supermarket. i have been preparing meals from whatever i have left in the freezer. i go on occasional trips downstairs, to snag some food when the kids are out of the house. there's always tons of junk downstairs. i try to pilfer only fruit, milk, and corn flakes. i'm trying to watch the weight. after all i've been through, it's a shame to get pudgy again.
while i was in treatment, i avoided eating anything raw except bananas and green apples. the apples were a a life safer. sometimes when i couldn't eat or drink fluids, i would suck the juice from the apples. shortly after independence day, i experienced stomach flu like symptoms. and once again, i had diarrhea. at first, i thought that it was due to eating raw food. however, when it lasted for over two weeks, i was concerned. i brought in a stool sample just to check. i was told that there was an outbreak of dysentery in the country.
the diarrhea finally subsided and i felt well again. i managed to make it over to the clinic on my own. i took the local bus all by myself. it is a 20 minute walk. i used to run over to that area all the time by foot. i haven't done any extensive walking in months. i took a blood test for which i had to fast 12 hours, and brought in the stool sample. i even got to chat with the social worker. i used the wrong vial for the stool sample so i had to go back to the clinic the following morning.
i have been trying to get some money from the social services... i was promised all kinds of renumeration from the hospital social worker. i've had three social workers come to the house and pretty much, each one has proven to be ineffective. i've been kind of screwed by every law in the book. i was promised money to get in some household help but that never happened. each time i had a home visit, i would break down and cry. i felt so useless. not being able to do my floors, or laundry, or dishes, made me crazy and quite depressed.
while we had a cold spell and unseasonable torrential rain, i stayed indoors. the house was freezing. i had the chills. i didn't dare venture outside. i stayed in bed under a goose down comforter. we then went straight into a heat wave, and i stayed in once again. i can't seem to deal with extremes in weather. my immune system is shot. when i first got sick during pesach, i was actually delighted to have the common virus that everyone had. it made me feel normal. cancer makes you feel anything but normal. when i got over the virus, i felt very hopeful. cancer makes you feel less than hopeful
i did get a good report last month from both the radiologist and gyn-oncologist. they both concluded that the tumor was no longer visible. it was apparently, successfully, nuked away. Praise the Lord!! i do my pet ct mri in another couple of weeks, and i will find out hopefully, that the cancer is no longer in the lymph notes. it is very scary. i am afraid to think about the outcome. i still have loads of people worldwide, praying for my recovery. i can't wait to be completely cancer free and get back on track..
right now, i am suffering with an upper respiratory virus. i convulse when i cough.i spit up wads of phlegm. i was feeling well enough last week to venture out. i went to bring in my specimen and met a potential suitor for brunch. we met last summer at the yeshiva where i was working. we started 'dating' aright after sukkot. then i got ill. i tried to break it off when i found out that i had the tumor. he decided to hang in there and wait until i finished treatment. we corresponded by email for months. we have only met two times since i've been home. i haven't been strong enough to socialize.
i haven't really seen many people since i returned to zefat. it is still hard for me to be around people. i still feel traumatized. i know that i look well, in spite of the setbacks. i've put on weight and have some color. i did meet someone in town who was instrumental in getting me a bit more public assistance. she said that i didn't look as though i had been ill with cancer. that was a relief. i feel like i look like an invalid. that's my head trip, i guess. i'm afraid to face the world. i have lost about three friends since i've returned home. two to cancer, and another one this week, of lou gehrig's. i should be so grateful to have survived my ordeal, but i tend to be easily depressed.
my son moved back home with his family, about two weeks before i returned. they were in financial straights and begged to come back, rent free. i was too sick and weak to refuse them. it has been an adjustment, to say the least. my grandson sneaks up here at all hours of the day. i hear the creaking of the door and then he appears. 3:00 a.m., 5:00 a.m., 7:00 a.m., 5:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., 9:00 p.m. even the toddler crawls up the stairs to visit. when i first got back i was totally helpless. my daughter-in-law did my floors and prepared food for me. i tried desperately to stay out of her way. i was too weak to lift my grandson in my arms. climbing up the stairs was very hard. going food shopping was out of the question. i felt like a 90 year old lady.
since i've been recently sick, i haven't had the energy to go to the supermarket. i have been preparing meals from whatever i have left in the freezer. i go on occasional trips downstairs, to snag some food when the kids are out of the house. there's always tons of junk downstairs. i try to pilfer only fruit, milk, and corn flakes. i'm trying to watch the weight. after all i've been through, it's a shame to get pudgy again.
Monday, April 29, 2013
BACK HOME
it is 5:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat on lag b'omer. hello everyone! i've been wanting to be in touch for so long. i got back home from my radiation and chemotherapy treatment about two months ago. at first, while i i was away, i felt well and energetic enough to keep in touch with my closest friends by e-mail. i was sort of upbeat and downright hyper-active from the steroids they put in my chemo drip. i stayed in a hostel for cancer patients for nearly two months. i made friends with most of the patients there. i was most popular. i was also popular with the nursing staff and technicians at the radiation ward. i had the most wonderful chemo nurse you could hope for.
i did come to near blows with my radiation nurse. she was old school. i was new school. she didn't miss a chance to warn me of the terrible side effects that i would be getting. she was most adamant against my using anything homeopathic. she was a real square. i chose her to be my nurse because she was an English speaker. i didn't think that i could go through this process in all hebrew. as it turned out to be, when i finally did succumb to the terrible nausea and diarrhea, the homeopathic remedies didn't help. but all in all, i was drug free, if you don't count the steroids, chemo and radiation.
i was the only english speaking patient at the hostel. they did not fancy watching television in the main lobby in english. they had hand written signs against it. there were several programs that the whole group got together to watch. the israeli 'master chef' was a major one. even the nurses joined us for that one. 80% of israeli society are emotionally invested in this show. they take it very seriously. they really care about the contestants. i would sit and watch as an outside observer. eventually, i could chime in and relent the fact that vicky or some other contestant got eliminated.
being at the hostel, was definitely a lot of work for me. having to speak in hebrew all the time and listen to every one's troubles and illness was hard. it took a lot of my strength. i had my first 'meltdown' at the end of the first week, when i started experiencing certain side effects. up until then i was the life of the party. i ate like a truck driver. those steroids were something else. i didn't get much sleep at the beginning. i got to bed after 1 or 2 a.m. my roommate was mentally challenged and didn't understand that i was there to share a room. i had to use the lobby bathroom because she monopolized the one in our room.
i actually, threatened to 'harm' her and i was made to change rooms, during my meltdown. i went hysterical and called my sister. i told her that i couldn't continue another day there. i was very loud and scared a lot of the residents. most everyone there was sedated. not zelda. i remained faithful to my anti -drug policy at the beginning. when i finally calmed down, the nurse 'cratchet' told me that the steroids can evoke some rage. i was most apologetic.
i got through the first few weeks of treatment without any major hitch. my weekly blood test revealed that my white blood cells had crashed. that was the end of my weekly chemo. i felt very disappointed. the doctor explained that it was the norm. i did continue to get radiation treatments 5 days a week. every thursday i got the side effects, and felt an outer body and mind experience plus a severe nausea. nevertheless, i travelled home by bus. after the 4th week, i was seriously dehydrated by the terrible diarrhea, that the english speaking nurse had warned me about. i was told not to travel anymore. i stayed at friends nearby tel aviv on weekends.
i received infusion about 3 to 4 times a week. i could no longer deal with eating in the dining room with everyone. i would come back to the hostel late every evening by taxi. i stopped emailing friends. i was in bad shape. i lost a ton of weight and finally was hospitalized for 2 weeks. i was totally bedridden for days. i even got a blood transfusion. i spent purim in bed. it was the first time ever, that i wasn't home for purim. i was totally alone and miserable. i had finished my cancer treatment but my body was crashed. one day a hospital clown came by to greet me. 'zeldele' he said, and proceeded to sing 'when you're smiling' for me in english. that was a turning point for me. chabad yehiva students came by to read the megillah on purim and there were a lot of volunteers dressed in costumes to visit the sick. eventually, i managed to feel happy in spite of my surroundings.
i stayed in kfar chabad for a while after i was released. i was ridiculously, swollen from all the infusion and could hardly walk. i could barely eat. all i did was sleep. after two weeks, i came home by taxi. my niece came in from india with her 3 little ones, and i picked them up at the airport with the help of my other niece. it was a few weeks before pesach. my nephew got married in rehovot but i couldn't make the trip. i did pull myself together one day to get the house set up for sheva brachas. i schlepped around from 7:00a.m.. to 2:30 p.m. and i collapsed into bed until the evening. i didn't move again for some time. i did the absolute minimum for pesach.
i got sick right after the pesach seder for at least two weeks. i am now recovering from a virus or flu or dysentery. i have an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow and do a blood test. i have to fast for 12 hours. i have an enormous appetite once again, and have gained back about 10 pounds in a very short space of time. i just have very little energy. a lot of it is due to depression. although i have been told that the tumor is history, i still have to do a pet ct scan next month to check out the lymph notes. all in all, i am one lucky lady! to be continued.......................
i did come to near blows with my radiation nurse. she was old school. i was new school. she didn't miss a chance to warn me of the terrible side effects that i would be getting. she was most adamant against my using anything homeopathic. she was a real square. i chose her to be my nurse because she was an English speaker. i didn't think that i could go through this process in all hebrew. as it turned out to be, when i finally did succumb to the terrible nausea and diarrhea, the homeopathic remedies didn't help. but all in all, i was drug free, if you don't count the steroids, chemo and radiation.
i was the only english speaking patient at the hostel. they did not fancy watching television in the main lobby in english. they had hand written signs against it. there were several programs that the whole group got together to watch. the israeli 'master chef' was a major one. even the nurses joined us for that one. 80% of israeli society are emotionally invested in this show. they take it very seriously. they really care about the contestants. i would sit and watch as an outside observer. eventually, i could chime in and relent the fact that vicky or some other contestant got eliminated.
being at the hostel, was definitely a lot of work for me. having to speak in hebrew all the time and listen to every one's troubles and illness was hard. it took a lot of my strength. i had my first 'meltdown' at the end of the first week, when i started experiencing certain side effects. up until then i was the life of the party. i ate like a truck driver. those steroids were something else. i didn't get much sleep at the beginning. i got to bed after 1 or 2 a.m. my roommate was mentally challenged and didn't understand that i was there to share a room. i had to use the lobby bathroom because she monopolized the one in our room.
i actually, threatened to 'harm' her and i was made to change rooms, during my meltdown. i went hysterical and called my sister. i told her that i couldn't continue another day there. i was very loud and scared a lot of the residents. most everyone there was sedated. not zelda. i remained faithful to my anti -drug policy at the beginning. when i finally calmed down, the nurse 'cratchet' told me that the steroids can evoke some rage. i was most apologetic.
i got through the first few weeks of treatment without any major hitch. my weekly blood test revealed that my white blood cells had crashed. that was the end of my weekly chemo. i felt very disappointed. the doctor explained that it was the norm. i did continue to get radiation treatments 5 days a week. every thursday i got the side effects, and felt an outer body and mind experience plus a severe nausea. nevertheless, i travelled home by bus. after the 4th week, i was seriously dehydrated by the terrible diarrhea, that the english speaking nurse had warned me about. i was told not to travel anymore. i stayed at friends nearby tel aviv on weekends.
i received infusion about 3 to 4 times a week. i could no longer deal with eating in the dining room with everyone. i would come back to the hostel late every evening by taxi. i stopped emailing friends. i was in bad shape. i lost a ton of weight and finally was hospitalized for 2 weeks. i was totally bedridden for days. i even got a blood transfusion. i spent purim in bed. it was the first time ever, that i wasn't home for purim. i was totally alone and miserable. i had finished my cancer treatment but my body was crashed. one day a hospital clown came by to greet me. 'zeldele' he said, and proceeded to sing 'when you're smiling' for me in english. that was a turning point for me. chabad yehiva students came by to read the megillah on purim and there were a lot of volunteers dressed in costumes to visit the sick. eventually, i managed to feel happy in spite of my surroundings.
i stayed in kfar chabad for a while after i was released. i was ridiculously, swollen from all the infusion and could hardly walk. i could barely eat. all i did was sleep. after two weeks, i came home by taxi. my niece came in from india with her 3 little ones, and i picked them up at the airport with the help of my other niece. it was a few weeks before pesach. my nephew got married in rehovot but i couldn't make the trip. i did pull myself together one day to get the house set up for sheva brachas. i schlepped around from 7:00a.m.. to 2:30 p.m. and i collapsed into bed until the evening. i didn't move again for some time. i did the absolute minimum for pesach.
i got sick right after the pesach seder for at least two weeks. i am now recovering from a virus or flu or dysentery. i have an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow and do a blood test. i have to fast for 12 hours. i have an enormous appetite once again, and have gained back about 10 pounds in a very short space of time. i just have very little energy. a lot of it is due to depression. although i have been told that the tumor is history, i still have to do a pet ct scan next month to check out the lymph notes. all in all, i am one lucky lady! to be continued.......................
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Going Away
it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i went to town, but didn't get anything done. it was a waste of my energy. now when the nurse asks me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how tired am i, i can answer 9, easily. i am really not feeling good. i did go to bed last night at 4:00 a.m. i am ashamed to admit that i watched hours of violent movies. i saw 'midnite express' and 'scarface', but i can't recall what i watched after that.
i woke up in a panic. i called the hospital to confirm my appointments for chemo and radiation tomorrow and then i broke down and started crying. i am really scared. i don't have any energy to pack. i don't know what i'm doing. the house is in order, at least. the bedroom is still cluttered up wtih clothes strewn all over the bed. i meant to put everything away. it didn't happen.
i read different sites of what to eat on chemo. apparently, i've been feeding the cancer cells with all of my cravings for cake, chocolate, icecream and pizza. and here, i thought, it was zelda who wanted the comfort food. who knew????
i am tired of thinking about all of this. i want to call it a night. i need to cut my hair before i leave. i need to pack. i need to put away my clothes. i need to cook and eat some salmon. i am already feeling queezie. i managed to buy a hard covered note book for my journal.. i have my meds, my organic toiletries, and i want to make some oatmeal to bring with me. i read that it is good to eat a small meal before chemo and another, before radiation.
i bought a small alarm clock, in case i sleep too late in the morning. i haven't been getting up at 5:00 a.m. lately. i usually pop up at around 7:00 a.m. i haven't a clue what to wear tomorrow. i read that loose clothes are the best. i also read that some people gain weight on this treatment. can you imagine doing all of this and also getting fat???
i still need to take down all the mezzuzahs in the home. i am beat. can't do anything. am trying to just breathe. i want to cry. i am so out of my league here. i don't want to say anything negative. i'm willing myself to feel well. i better get up and eat something or cook something. the house is already cold. why am i nauseous?? i hope it isn't a virus or reaction to the shabbat food. i am having a hard time. when was the laat time i packed to leave my house? would you believe it was 13 years ago?
i woke up in a panic. i called the hospital to confirm my appointments for chemo and radiation tomorrow and then i broke down and started crying. i am really scared. i don't have any energy to pack. i don't know what i'm doing. the house is in order, at least. the bedroom is still cluttered up wtih clothes strewn all over the bed. i meant to put everything away. it didn't happen.
i read different sites of what to eat on chemo. apparently, i've been feeding the cancer cells with all of my cravings for cake, chocolate, icecream and pizza. and here, i thought, it was zelda who wanted the comfort food. who knew????
i am tired of thinking about all of this. i want to call it a night. i need to cut my hair before i leave. i need to pack. i need to put away my clothes. i need to cook and eat some salmon. i am already feeling queezie. i managed to buy a hard covered note book for my journal.. i have my meds, my organic toiletries, and i want to make some oatmeal to bring with me. i read that it is good to eat a small meal before chemo and another, before radiation.
i bought a small alarm clock, in case i sleep too late in the morning. i haven't been getting up at 5:00 a.m. lately. i usually pop up at around 7:00 a.m. i haven't a clue what to wear tomorrow. i read that loose clothes are the best. i also read that some people gain weight on this treatment. can you imagine doing all of this and also getting fat???
i still need to take down all the mezzuzahs in the home. i am beat. can't do anything. am trying to just breathe. i want to cry. i am so out of my league here. i don't want to say anything negative. i'm willing myself to feel well. i better get up and eat something or cook something. the house is already cold. why am i nauseous?? i hope it isn't a virus or reaction to the shabbat food. i am having a hard time. when was the laat time i packed to leave my house? would you believe it was 13 years ago?
Friday, December 28, 2012
Dancing Til The End
it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. last night i went to a wedding. i was trying to convince myself that i was too tired to go. i was back in 'invalid' mode. i got a late start to town and i called a taxi. i picked up the rest of the meds for nausea and went over to the health food store. it's funny, that all the meds list nausea as common side effects of the meds. catch 22 or western medicine?
i bought a natural toothepaste, deoderant, and liquid soap.. no more aluminum for me, right now. i was tired after a short time. and i was ravenous. i stopped in a little pizza store at the end of town. no one was there. i sat down and devoured a lovely slice of pizza. it tasted like ambrosia. i waited a moment and ordered one more slice. i couldn't finish it but i was happy. i have never eaten 'junk food' and pizza was never something that agreed with me. suddenly, my body wants icecream, crembos, pizza, shwarma and i don't gain weight.
maybe this disease agrees with me. i am being ridiculous, i know. i saw a young lady in town wearing a purim wig. she worked at the toy store. i was so delighted to see her. purim is my favorite time of the year. i got such a rush of happiness. i wanted to say that purim is a state of mind. and everday can be purim.
i got to the wedding and couldn't wait to see the yeshiva guys. they have never seen me all dolled up. they have never seen me with hair. they have seen me in kerchiefs with a little grey hair showing, and without makeup. they freaked out. it was just like purim for me. heads turned. the rabbi looked in shock. his mouth was wide open. it was so much fun. and then all the ladies came running over to tell me how great i looked. i hugged and kissed and hugged some more. i was surrounded by great ladies. half of the table were cancer survivors or patients like myself. we all gave each other blessings for good health.
i decided that i couldn't dance. after all, i have cancer, right? then i saw a very lovely lady who i've known for a while. she has had MS for years. i recently saw her riding in a motorized cart. there she was, standing and walking on her own. i ran over to hug her. she told me, that as of late, she has been feeling well. i decided right then and there, that if she could walk, i could dance. and i ran over to dance with the bride. i then started a wild dance in a corner with a few of the over 60's club.
we all went insane. we were rocking and rolling. the younger girls with hypo energy , came running over to rock with us. we were being caught on video. we were the hit of the wedding. we were on fire. my farhead was soaked with sweat. i learned yesterday, that you can be happy and have cancer. i learned that zelda is still here. i realized that the doctors have only seen scared little zelda. they didn't meet zelda, the dancing queen. they don't know me. i am loved. i have a good life. i am fun to be around. i am a survivor.
i got to speak with several of the guys from the yeshiva. i gave them hell for smoking. i also gave them tons of brachas. one of the younger ones, who has made me his surrogate mom, yelled out ' i love you'. i smiled and told him 'right back at you'. i caught another guy staring at me. this one is the 'tough' guy. i turned my head , caught his eye and smiled back at him. it was a intimate and lovely moment. i will treasure all these moments forever.
i am going to my son's for shabbat meals. this is my farewell shabbat. i hope my grandchildren are well. doesn't matter. everything is good. i finally get it. love is all you need. shabbat shalom.
i bought a natural toothepaste, deoderant, and liquid soap.. no more aluminum for me, right now. i was tired after a short time. and i was ravenous. i stopped in a little pizza store at the end of town. no one was there. i sat down and devoured a lovely slice of pizza. it tasted like ambrosia. i waited a moment and ordered one more slice. i couldn't finish it but i was happy. i have never eaten 'junk food' and pizza was never something that agreed with me. suddenly, my body wants icecream, crembos, pizza, shwarma and i don't gain weight.
maybe this disease agrees with me. i am being ridiculous, i know. i saw a young lady in town wearing a purim wig. she worked at the toy store. i was so delighted to see her. purim is my favorite time of the year. i got such a rush of happiness. i wanted to say that purim is a state of mind. and everday can be purim.
i got to the wedding and couldn't wait to see the yeshiva guys. they have never seen me all dolled up. they have never seen me with hair. they have seen me in kerchiefs with a little grey hair showing, and without makeup. they freaked out. it was just like purim for me. heads turned. the rabbi looked in shock. his mouth was wide open. it was so much fun. and then all the ladies came running over to tell me how great i looked. i hugged and kissed and hugged some more. i was surrounded by great ladies. half of the table were cancer survivors or patients like myself. we all gave each other blessings for good health.
i decided that i couldn't dance. after all, i have cancer, right? then i saw a very lovely lady who i've known for a while. she has had MS for years. i recently saw her riding in a motorized cart. there she was, standing and walking on her own. i ran over to hug her. she told me, that as of late, she has been feeling well. i decided right then and there, that if she could walk, i could dance. and i ran over to dance with the bride. i then started a wild dance in a corner with a few of the over 60's club.
we all went insane. we were rocking and rolling. the younger girls with hypo energy , came running over to rock with us. we were being caught on video. we were the hit of the wedding. we were on fire. my farhead was soaked with sweat. i learned yesterday, that you can be happy and have cancer. i learned that zelda is still here. i realized that the doctors have only seen scared little zelda. they didn't meet zelda, the dancing queen. they don't know me. i am loved. i have a good life. i am fun to be around. i am a survivor.
i got to speak with several of the guys from the yeshiva. i gave them hell for smoking. i also gave them tons of brachas. one of the younger ones, who has made me his surrogate mom, yelled out ' i love you'. i smiled and told him 'right back at you'. i caught another guy staring at me. this one is the 'tough' guy. i turned my head , caught his eye and smiled back at him. it was a intimate and lovely moment. i will treasure all these moments forever.
i am going to my son's for shabbat meals. this is my farewell shabbat. i hope my grandchildren are well. doesn't matter. everything is good. i finally get it. love is all you need. shabbat shalom.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
They Don't Get It
it's nearly 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. my son just called to ask what i had in the house to make him a breakfast. it took all of my energy just now to heat up a glass of warm milk for myself. what do i have in the house?. let's see. i bought a bag of rolls yesterday, a bag of milk and a bag of dog food. i bought a shwarma for dinner and i had a roll with avocado. i also ate 2 israeli crembos, a poor man's mallomar. i never eat these. i am starving.
i do not have the energy to cook. my son asked if i could make shabbat meals for them. are you kidding? he doesn't get it. i launched into a rant. a quiet one, but nevertheless, a rant. i told him that i am in no shape to cook, receive guests, or be a guest. i cannot babysit anymore. i cannot worry about his overdraft anymore. i cannot have them live here now. he wants to move back home. his rav thinks that would be a tremendous chessed on my part. does his rabbi know what cancer treatment is?? does his rabbi know how tired i will be?. or how tired i already feel?
does his rabbi know that i already blew my savings and inheritance the first year they moved in? does the rabbi know how much noise they made and how they disrespected me? Does the rabbi know that i raised their first child and gave up my yoga and exercise regiment? does he know how the kids used huge amounts of water and electricity and refused to pay for i? does he know that the kids left my house wothout letting me know and that they didn't speak to me for 3 months? does he even know that i was kept from seeing my grandchildren during that period? does he know that none of their problems is really my problem?
i must maintain my stance. these kids do not know how to budget. they do not listen or take advise. i cannot afford to bail them out. giving them money that i can't afford to give away, only goes into their black hole. i am broke and am out of work. i am relying right now on the kindness of my siblings. i can't afford to share it with my son. that sounds awful but it's the truth. i am in no condition right now to make any major decisions. is their rabbi going to co- sign on their lease? will he reimburse me when they don't pay the electric bill?
everything these kids have , i bought them. stove, refrigerator, beds, closets, table and chairs, couches, candlesticks, kiddush cup, even silverware. i wanted them to start off right. the other parents gave nothing. they had nothing and gave nothing. i gave whatever i had. i didn't save a penny for my future. i still have the house and will probably have to sell it. but right now i can't think about all of this. i have to remain calm. i cannot leave the quiet zone. i start chemo on monday.
i just got a a call from one of the sephardi clan. i actually like this lady. she has been sick for a while. she always smiles and you would never know that she isn't well. she is one of these fanatic sephardi returnees to religion. i respect her beliefs. she is amazing!
now i have blown the entire morning. i got to get to town now. to be continued...........
i do not have the energy to cook. my son asked if i could make shabbat meals for them. are you kidding? he doesn't get it. i launched into a rant. a quiet one, but nevertheless, a rant. i told him that i am in no shape to cook, receive guests, or be a guest. i cannot babysit anymore. i cannot worry about his overdraft anymore. i cannot have them live here now. he wants to move back home. his rav thinks that would be a tremendous chessed on my part. does his rabbi know what cancer treatment is?? does his rabbi know how tired i will be?. or how tired i already feel?
does his rabbi know that i already blew my savings and inheritance the first year they moved in? does the rabbi know how much noise they made and how they disrespected me? Does the rabbi know that i raised their first child and gave up my yoga and exercise regiment? does he know how the kids used huge amounts of water and electricity and refused to pay for i? does he know that the kids left my house wothout letting me know and that they didn't speak to me for 3 months? does he even know that i was kept from seeing my grandchildren during that period? does he know that none of their problems is really my problem?
i must maintain my stance. these kids do not know how to budget. they do not listen or take advise. i cannot afford to bail them out. giving them money that i can't afford to give away, only goes into their black hole. i am broke and am out of work. i am relying right now on the kindness of my siblings. i can't afford to share it with my son. that sounds awful but it's the truth. i am in no condition right now to make any major decisions. is their rabbi going to co- sign on their lease? will he reimburse me when they don't pay the electric bill?
everything these kids have , i bought them. stove, refrigerator, beds, closets, table and chairs, couches, candlesticks, kiddush cup, even silverware. i wanted them to start off right. the other parents gave nothing. they had nothing and gave nothing. i gave whatever i had. i didn't save a penny for my future. i still have the house and will probably have to sell it. but right now i can't think about all of this. i have to remain calm. i cannot leave the quiet zone. i start chemo on monday.
i just got a a call from one of the sephardi clan. i actually like this lady. she has been sick for a while. she always smiles and you would never know that she isn't well. she is one of these fanatic sephardi returnees to religion. i respect her beliefs. she is amazing!
now i have blown the entire morning. i got to get to town now. to be continued...........
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
It's On
it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i called the radiology department at the hospital today to inquire about a date for the treatment. they told me that no date had been given and that it was usually a 2-3 week wait after the simulation process. about half an hour later, someone called my sister to say that the chemotherapy treatment would begin on monday. was that a coincidence or what?????
i had just told my sister that i didn't mind a week off but she wanted my treatment to start immediately. i managed to catch up on all the laundry yesterday. i put away a couple of chanukiahs and washed the dairy dishes this morning. i had a rendezvous with a potential suitor at 11:00 a.m. we drank hot chocolate and talked. we ordered a sundae glass of whipped cream but hardly touched it. unfortunately, we talked so long, that i missed getting to the health care office. all in all, i think is was worth it.
i bought a cheap new cellphone because the ringer on the old one was broken. that explains all the missed calls, i had all summer long. i filled up the card so i will have plenty of conversations, while i'm away. i managed to bring in the denim skirt for repair, so i will have a confortable skirt for tel aviv. i bought an adorable alarm clock for only 8 shekels in a junk store. i also bought a bottle of good vodka and a few bags of cookies and nash for the yeshiva guys. i went to bid them a farewell. i gave out brachas and had a little vodka on an empty stomach. that's the best way to drink vodka. they didn't replace me. they are giving the guys catered food packages. it broke my heart.
by 3:00 p.m. i was tired. i couldn't hang out anymore. i needed to get home. i stopped off to buy a turkey meat sandwich. i was ravenous. i couldn't wait to eat it. i schlepped my tired body to the super to buy dog food. i returned home to be attacked by my two very hungry dogs. the three of us ate the shwarma together. i had most of it. i was still hungry after the sandwich. i ate about 3 tangerines from the tree. i have an abundance of citrus fruits this year. i wish i had the strength to cut a lot of fruit to send to the yeshiva. i just don't. who knows? maybe tomorrow.
i still need to go to the health food store. i want to buy non metal shampoo, toothepaste, soap and deoderant. i need to stop by the health care clinic to get more forms and then buy more meds. i saw the gardener this morning and paid him for the next two months. i want to leave zefat with a clean account. when i got to the super they greeted me with a bounced check. i was just at the bank this week trying to clear up everything before i left. they didn't mention a word about the check. i wonder how many more they bounced. the gardener. told me about a new cancer therapy where the person is put into starvation mode for 60 days. after a while the body starts eating it's own cells, and preferably the mutated cancerous ones.
i wished him luck but i could never do anything like that. i enjoy eating too much at this point. i may not be feeling like that in a short while. we shall wait and see. i think my sister spoke with the nurse and let her know that we finally got a starting date. she insisted that i call the social worker so that she could process the paperwork for the hostel. i didn't fall into that trap. the social worker told me, natter of factly, yesterday that it was not her job. i refuse, from now on, to have any expectations of things happening as according to plan or schedule.. i won't waste any more of my precious energy worrying about the bureacracy any more.
"i don't care anymore what they say cause its my life" is my new montra. i've decided to visualize my tumor shrinking during radiation. i've decided that ' i will survive' is my other montra. zelda is in the house. zelda is back. long live zelda!!!! zelda will journal and blog and participate, and be a light to less fortunates. zelda will do okay.
zelda asks everyone to pray for her recovery or do an act of kindness every day for someone.
i had just told my sister that i didn't mind a week off but she wanted my treatment to start immediately. i managed to catch up on all the laundry yesterday. i put away a couple of chanukiahs and washed the dairy dishes this morning. i had a rendezvous with a potential suitor at 11:00 a.m. we drank hot chocolate and talked. we ordered a sundae glass of whipped cream but hardly touched it. unfortunately, we talked so long, that i missed getting to the health care office. all in all, i think is was worth it.
i bought a cheap new cellphone because the ringer on the old one was broken. that explains all the missed calls, i had all summer long. i filled up the card so i will have plenty of conversations, while i'm away. i managed to bring in the denim skirt for repair, so i will have a confortable skirt for tel aviv. i bought an adorable alarm clock for only 8 shekels in a junk store. i also bought a bottle of good vodka and a few bags of cookies and nash for the yeshiva guys. i went to bid them a farewell. i gave out brachas and had a little vodka on an empty stomach. that's the best way to drink vodka. they didn't replace me. they are giving the guys catered food packages. it broke my heart.
by 3:00 p.m. i was tired. i couldn't hang out anymore. i needed to get home. i stopped off to buy a turkey meat sandwich. i was ravenous. i couldn't wait to eat it. i schlepped my tired body to the super to buy dog food. i returned home to be attacked by my two very hungry dogs. the three of us ate the shwarma together. i had most of it. i was still hungry after the sandwich. i ate about 3 tangerines from the tree. i have an abundance of citrus fruits this year. i wish i had the strength to cut a lot of fruit to send to the yeshiva. i just don't. who knows? maybe tomorrow.
i still need to go to the health food store. i want to buy non metal shampoo, toothepaste, soap and deoderant. i need to stop by the health care clinic to get more forms and then buy more meds. i saw the gardener this morning and paid him for the next two months. i want to leave zefat with a clean account. when i got to the super they greeted me with a bounced check. i was just at the bank this week trying to clear up everything before i left. they didn't mention a word about the check. i wonder how many more they bounced. the gardener. told me about a new cancer therapy where the person is put into starvation mode for 60 days. after a while the body starts eating it's own cells, and preferably the mutated cancerous ones.
i wished him luck but i could never do anything like that. i enjoy eating too much at this point. i may not be feeling like that in a short while. we shall wait and see. i think my sister spoke with the nurse and let her know that we finally got a starting date. she insisted that i call the social worker so that she could process the paperwork for the hostel. i didn't fall into that trap. the social worker told me, natter of factly, yesterday that it was not her job. i refuse, from now on, to have any expectations of things happening as according to plan or schedule.. i won't waste any more of my precious energy worrying about the bureacracy any more.
"i don't care anymore what they say cause its my life" is my new montra. i've decided to visualize my tumor shrinking during radiation. i've decided that ' i will survive' is my other montra. zelda is in the house. zelda is back. long live zelda!!!! zelda will journal and blog and participate, and be a light to less fortunates. zelda will do okay.
zelda asks everyone to pray for her recovery or do an act of kindness every day for someone.
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