30 Years Down the Drain

it is 11:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  I have been trying to get myself back on track and eat healthy meals again.  when I could hardly fit into an extra large sized training pants for the show, I realized how large I really was.  I see my oncologist in april and I will be mortified to show at this weight.  I thought about doing a 1200 calorie diet.  on the show about 600 pound people, it seemed to work.  the only problem here, is that I do not do well with portion control.  I used to be able to eat like a truck driver and maintain my weight.  those days are long gone.  right now I will focus on low calorie good food.

I went to the food shop on Thursday, after work, and splurged on frozen salmon.  I spent about $30 for 4 huge fillets. I have been living on tins of canned tuna.  I felt so cherished.  I made two for Shabbat and a turkey neck soup. I bought prepared beets, humus and an eggplant salad. it was plenty.  I had some frozen raspberries in the freezer and ate some with 5% cottage cheese for breakfast.  it was stormy and i stayed in bed.  it was the only room that was heated in this huge house. even the dog stayed in bed under the covers.

I wrote a long email to a friend of over thirty years letting her know that I was officially done with our friendship.  perhaps, I shouldn't have sent it.  we definitely clashed over the recent play.  I was left out of the loop and even given wrong information regarding rehearsal times.  I was accused of forgetting important information, when I was never privy to said information.  I felt that I was met with hostility every time I gave an honest critique.  I myself, had a major hissy fit when I read the playbill.  I was not given a credit for the last two shows I costumed and received no shout out for the past 25 years, either.  I have done props and costumes for every show this gal wrote and directed.  I was the producer and promoter in an era before facebook and internet.

I know we are all getting on in years and are more brittle than ever.  I for one, cannot bend right now.  the sciatic is very much acting up. however, I am in a process of downsizing.  I am throwing out things that I don't want or no longer need.  that also includes people who do not cherish me.  I have no time to fight over petty things with anyone or scream to be heard.  I have been ranting for weeks.  the codependence behavior is over the top. I know that I need to separate someone's bad behavior from my psyche.  I expect way too much from people.  my older sister says this behavior is narcissistic; like when she forgot to say goodbye to me on her last trip.  it apparently, should not have hurt me. it had nothing to do with me.  she was simply stressed about catching her train.

I  do not feel so secure about myself these days.  my son moved to the other side of the country and the rest of my family in safed have no contact with me.  my siblings in the states rarely call.  so I guess I wonder if I am just one fat bore.  they seem to like me at the yeshiva but I am providing them with food.  this friend/best buddy of 30 years definitely seems to have moved on.  she has found a new theater partner and a new buddy who loves to smoke.  I cannot suffer cigarette smoke.  she apparently cannot maintain a long distance friendship  after all, she lives in town and I live in the burbs.  (20 minute bus ride)