Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Another Day

it is noontime in the holy city of zefat.  I am getting ready to leave the house.  it is too late to go to the medical office to get my voucher for the neurosurgeon.  I didn't go out yesterday.  I couldn't move.  every inch of my body hurt.  I think it was the heaviness of the CoDa meeting.  I spoke with my brother for two hours.  A good part of the conversation was about self loathing.  How fun!

I can't remember what exactly I did this morning.  I tried to fix a small coffee table.  I was so proud of my work until I realized that I had screwed the leg of the coffee table onto my good dining room table top.  I thought about running to town to buy some contact paper to cover the coffee table.  if the kids use it to draw, why bother covering it???

I went downstairs to take another crack at getting the sofa bed into the downstairs master bedroom.  it is now jammed tight into the doorframe.  I came upstairs to call the handyman to come to take the metal bedframe apart.  I really scratched the woodwork badly.  what's a little more varnish to apply??  I still feel dizzy and not all that well.  it could be the beginning of a virus, who knows?  everyone is complaining about the same symptoms.  the change in weather from unbearably hot to cold in the evening, doesn't help, either.

I had a very bizarre thought.  an addicted codependent personality would have a field day at the meeting.  there are so many other people in the room to chase after to help, control and advise.  I say this, because after the meeting, I wanted to invite a lady who was lonely to my house for the entire Rosh Hashanah.  we could have a ball egging each other on about our sons.  no seriously, having problematic people in a room with codependent people; is like having bottles of booze around at an AA meeting.

 there was a lovely young thing who showed up at the meeting late.  her husband was very ill.  I wanted to chase after her to get the medical details and involve myself in the case.  who knows, perhaps she needs a babysitter or a medical advocate?  I didn't invite the lonely lady, and I didn't offer to become a personal schlepper for the young thing, either.  I am taking it slow.

to rush in to help the two, or to try and solve their problems would only be enabling them and enabling myself.  I have to take a step back from my life and become an observer.  I have to listen more.  I have to stop interjecting in every conversation.  I have to stop offering my opinion, and trying to advise everyone what to do.  I have to take me out of every situation.  I am not Waldo.  I am zelda.

I need to spackle the downstairs bedroom wall.  I do not feel like it right now.  I don't feel like doing anything right now.  normally, I would call a friend and have an hour long conversation.  I am totally talked out.  I need to be alone.  I don't want to answer any calls or any emails.  I want to be alone like Greta Garbo.

I just remember what I did all morning.  I did laundry in my super duper gigantic Maytag washer.  It may be 17 years old but it keeps on washing.  I am caught up with all the sheets and towels now.  the kids took out their small machine and once again, it is me and my Maytag. 

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