it is noontime in the holy city of zefat. I am getting ready to leave the house. it is too late to go to the medical office to get my voucher for the neurosurgeon. I didn't go out yesterday. I couldn't move. every inch of my body hurt. I think it was the heaviness of the CoDa meeting. I spoke with my brother for two hours. A good part of the conversation was about self loathing. How fun!
I can't remember what exactly I did this morning. I tried to fix a small coffee table. I was so proud of my work until I realized that I had screwed the leg of the coffee table onto my good dining room table top. I thought about running to town to buy some contact paper to cover the coffee table. if the kids use it to draw, why bother covering it???
I went downstairs to take another crack at getting the sofa bed into the downstairs master bedroom. it is now jammed tight into the doorframe. I came upstairs to call the handyman to come to take the metal bedframe apart. I really scratched the woodwork badly. what's a little more varnish to apply?? I still feel dizzy and not all that well. it could be the beginning of a virus, who knows? everyone is complaining about the same symptoms. the change in weather from unbearably hot to cold in the evening, doesn't help, either.
I had a very bizarre thought. an addicted codependent personality would have a field day at the meeting. there are so many other people in the room to chase after to help, control and advise. I say this, because after the meeting, I wanted to invite a lady who was lonely to my house for the entire Rosh Hashanah. we could have a ball egging each other on about our sons. no seriously, having problematic people in a room with codependent people; is like having bottles of booze around at an AA meeting.
there was a lovely young thing who showed up at the meeting late. her husband was very ill. I wanted to chase after her to get the medical details and involve myself in the case. who knows, perhaps she needs a babysitter or a medical advocate? I didn't invite the lonely lady, and I didn't offer to become a personal schlepper for the young thing, either. I am taking it slow.
to rush in to help the two, or to try and solve their problems would only be enabling them and enabling myself. I have to take a step back from my life and become an observer. I have to listen more. I have to stop interjecting in every conversation. I have to stop offering my opinion, and trying to advise everyone what to do. I have to take me out of every situation. I am not Waldo. I am zelda.
I need to spackle the downstairs bedroom wall. I do not feel like it right now. I don't feel like doing anything right now. normally, I would call a friend and have an hour long conversation. I am totally talked out. I need to be alone. I don't want to answer any calls or any emails. I want to be alone like Greta Garbo.
I just remember what I did all morning. I did laundry in my super duper gigantic Maytag washer. It may be 17 years old but it keeps on washing. I am caught up with all the sheets and towels now. the kids took out their small machine and once again, it is me and my Maytag.