Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The Odd Man Out

it is 8:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I just woke up.  I went to my grandson's birthday party last night at their new apartment.  I guess they do not know how to act with me.  I must be one big pain.  I feel like the odd man out looking in.  I've been working at the yeshiva for the past three weeks and trying to get the downstairs put back together since they moved out.

I feel very geriatric.  I am the one who needs to be picked up and taken to the party.  I am totally disoriented.  I left the party quite early.  I was tired.  I was not enjoying myself.  I was uncomfortable and I let my son know that I was not a happy camper.  I guess I do not know how to play the game.  I walked back.  it was nice to be on my own.  it isn't really far away.  I used to go up to that neighborhood every Friday night to check out the new houses.

that was many years ago.  that was when I was in decent shape before the grandkids arrived.  that was before I became a mother-in-law.  that was before my indoctrination into the clan.  that was when I was a free bird.  well, I wasn't exactly free then, either.  I was taking care of my demented father in those days.  I would take a nice long walk before we had our Shabbat meal.

I've put on more weight and am totally winded.  I went to the party on an empty stomach and then ate a bunch of pizza.  I feel totally sick this morning.  I felt very awkward in the new place.  I got the feeling that I was the only one there for the first time.  I might be wrong.  it was the clan and me.  the kids went off on their vacation last night.   the grandkids went off to stay with the clan for the next 8 days.  I was not told where they were going. 

I was not asked to help with the kids.  my son did say that he thinks they get too wild when they are with the clan but his wife made plans with her mother which didn't include me.  it was reminiscent of 7 years ago.  I feel like I tried for seven years to fit in and I'm right back where I started.  I'm on the outside looking in.  I'm doing penance for getting angry this summer.

they are an entity by themselves.  I am alone here with my dogs.  even though I put up with all the balagon downstairs for so many years, I was always all alone.  I was never included in the party details.  I was the one upstairs putting the barekas in the oven at the last minute while everyone else was partying downstairs.  I do not enjoy children's' parties.  I do not like the noise and I do not like the mess.

I feel like a strange creature.  I do not have the patience to be with my friends nor do I have the patience to be with my grandkids.  I am so uncomfortable about my weight gain.  I am happy that the kids found a place that they love.  my downstairs is like a basement flat compared to their brand new spectacular apartment.  the kids do not have a place to play outside but that is their choice.  I was always busy with the kids outside.  I was raised that way and that is how I raised my son.  we were always outside until evening.

I must get on with my life.  I must find a rental.  it isn't looking great.  I have been schlepping upstairs all the things that were left in my closets downstairs.  I am tired and hurting.  tomorrow is my last day at work.  I have to buy spackle and fix the master bedroom wall.  I also have to start getting the medical papers in order.

on Monday I went to the bank in the evening.  I finished work late.  I spent a lot of time buying my grandson a birthday gift.  it was overkill.  he got so many things that he didn't get a chance to play with the toy supermarket cash register that I bought.  it even talks.  maybe after he returns home from his hiatus at his grandparents' home, he will enjoy it.

he got a beautiful new bicycle but there is no area to ride it in.  hopefully, his parents will take him to  a park where he can ride.  nothing is perfect in life.  the downstairs is huge but not designer.  there is a huge backyard and garden but it comes with me.  if I could have kept my cool, perhaps they would still be downstairs.  I know in my heart of hearts, that would not have been good for them.  they are now faced to deal with grown up life.   and I must deal with my life.

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