it is 6:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. I have been tossing and turning for hours now. I can't sleep. I am worrying about finances as usual. I am wondering how I will provide meals for another two shabbats plus Shavuot holiday meals. I am wondering how I will deal with four dogs in the house for an entire month. a friend is dropping off her dog this week while she travels to the U.S.A. how will I cope with this awful old dog who scratches and rips out her hair all day long? how will I find a good home for the puppy I found who is growing larger by the minute and destroying everything in his way?
how do I go to Tel Aviv next week for my gyn oncologist appointment just a few days before Shavuot? how can I face the doctor being so overweight? how do I travel home with such limited resources? what if he feels another tumor? what do I prepare for Shavuot meals? I have been downloading all sorts of recipes for blintzes, quiches and cheesecakes for weeks. when should I buy the dairy products, this week or next week? should I even bother making Shavuot for the kids or should we opt for going to the clan this year?
I have been struggling with all these issues all night long. we've had a heat wave and now it is cold again. I didn't clean up after Shabbat. I have dishes in both sinks and the floors are full of dog pee. I have to get to the clinic to get my paperwork done before next week's hospital visit. I haven't made an appointment yet. the washing machine is on the fritz again and I can't find the number for a whirlpool repairman. I can't really write anymore checks out this month. I am finding it too hard to take care of the kids every day.
I am too tired to start the day now. I am so worried about money. I borrowed money from a friend and am worried about how I will pay her back. I am stressed out to the max. I need to sleep. I need to pick up my grandson from his gan later today. I dread being alone with the kids. they don't listen to me anymore and they are very wild. on friday they played with the hose and took a mud bath. I went ballistic. they ran away and hid from me in the garden. I nearly stroked out worrying about them entering the house before I could wash them off.
I am thinking about postponing my doctor's appointment. why should I care about his seeing me so overweight? why should I worry so much about Shavuot meals? why should I stress myself out about making Shabbat meals? why shouldn't the kids deal with the washing machine repairs? why do I need to deal with everything?