Sunday, May 10, 2015

Can't Sleep

it is 6:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.   I have been tossing and turning for hours now.   I can't sleep.  I am worrying about finances as usual.   I am wondering how I will provide meals for another two shabbats plus Shavuot holiday meals.  I am wondering how I will deal with four dogs in the house for an entire month.  a friend is dropping off her dog this week while she travels to the U.S.A.   how will I cope with this awful old dog who scratches and rips out her hair all day long?   how will I find a good home for the puppy I found who is growing larger by the minute and destroying everything in his way?

how do I go to Tel Aviv next week for my gyn oncologist appointment just a few days before Shavuot?   how can I face the doctor being so overweight?  how do I travel home with such limited resources?   what if he feels another tumor?  what do I prepare for Shavuot meals?  I have been downloading all sorts of recipes for blintzes, quiches and cheesecakes for weeks.  when should I buy the dairy products, this week or next week?  should I even bother making Shavuot for the kids or should we opt for going to the clan this year?

I have been struggling with all these issues all night long.  we've had a heat wave and now it is cold again.  I didn't clean up after Shabbat.   I have dishes in both sinks and the floors are full of dog pee.   I have to get to the clinic to get my paperwork done before next week's hospital visit.  I haven't made an appointment yet.  the washing machine is on the fritz again and I can't find the number for a whirlpool repairman.   I can't really write anymore checks out this month.  I am finding it too hard to take care of the kids every day.

I am too tired to start the day now.   I am so worried about money.  I borrowed money from a friend and am worried about how I will pay her back.  I am stressed out to the max.  I need to sleep.   I need to pick up my grandson from his gan later today.  I dread being alone with the kids.  they don't listen to me anymore and  they are very wild.  on friday they played with the hose and took a mud bath.  I went ballistic.  they ran away and hid from me in the garden.  I nearly stroked out worrying about them entering the house before I could wash them off.

I am thinking about postponing my doctor's appointment.   why should I care about his seeing me so  overweight?  why should I worry so much about Shavuot meals?  why should I stress myself out about making Shabbat meals?  why shouldn't the kids deal with the washing machine repairs?  why do I need to deal with everything?

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