Sunday, April 15, 2012

Getting Back On Track

it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. it is very quiet. i've been doing laundry all day. i had four paying guests for a couple of nights and had a large amount of sheets and towels to do. i accidently threw in a very delicate beaded top but it survivied. it may have shrunk a bit but i'll deal with it later.

i also managed to put away most of the pesach dishes and pots and pans. i still have a few things to put away. luckily, my pesach closets are right here in the kitchen. i need to clean the pesach stove and put away the pesach sinks and dish racks.

we are having a heat wave. we had a couple of cold and windy nights but it's hot again. the house is cool. i am feeling very alone and a bit sad. i had a few guests during the holiday but i feel alone. the kids have made no contact. that makes me sad.

i went to a torah class yesterday evening. i had a bit of wine and really enjoyed the class. it's been years since i did this. i walked my friend home in the late afternoon but it was really hot. i think i had an allergic reaction to some processed whole wheat matzah. i had been eating hand made round matzah all week long without any problem. i didn't have enough matzah left for shabbat so i bought a package of square whole wheat matzah. pesach ended on shabbat. i didn't need the round matzahs.

i felt incredibly uncomfortable, at first. the matzah felt like it was stuck in my chest. i went to bed siting up because i felt nauseous. i finally fell asleep in a reclining position. i woke up all swollen. my face was huge and my hands were huge and red. i was very upset. the day before, i went to shul and looked really nice. the weight loss showed and i looked good in my new skirt. now i looked like a cow.

we had an early lunch and i ate just a bit of the whole wheat matzah. my friend had chicken and i stuck to salmon. later on, my hands started turning red and swollen again. my friend didn't feel well. i also, didn't feel well. i figured the common denominator was the matzah. i have two boxes of it left but i will definately, not eat any more.

i walked home alone from the class last night and came home to an empty house. the 'upstairs sister' apparently, didn't return. i left the hallway light on for her. what a waste of electricity! my friend needs some cigarette papers so i will go out soon to the local store and buy some for her. i'll probably jump on a bus and go to town. i want to check my bank balance. i think i'll bring in the laundry first. i'm sure by now, it's all dry.

i look around my house. everything is orderly. everything is clean. well, except for the kitchen floor. it's pretty dirty again. i really don't feel like doing a 'sponger'. i had some milk chocolate today. it was the expensive kind from switzerland. it was very tastey. i haven't had any in 3 months. i felt like i needed a treat. my belly is pretty swollen. i'm not going to weigh myself today.

i feel bereft. not depressed, just sad. i keep thinking about the kids. i guess they're just busy. it's not that they paid me any attention when they lived here. i saw them when they needed something like: milk, toilet paper, babysitting, money, a pot or pan or my hand mixer. i heard from them when they wanted hot water. so why am i feeling so low? nothing has changed. i did used to see them from my kitchen window in the morning. now i don't see anyone.

i got to get myself on track. i got to stop thinking about the kids and the grandkids. i got to get myself a hobby and some income. i may do some dogsitting next month. it depends on whether or not the 'upstairs sister' leaves. i would like to use the upstairs balcony as my kennel. i know, everyone tells me to throw her out. i can't seem to do that. perhaps, she'll just leave soon. it's not as though she's found a job in zefat.


  1. You need to be "selfish" and take of you and try to disconnect from people that hurt you needlessly.

  2. I think just having the kids coming and going makes a difference. My daughters are at university all day and spend the evenings studying, but just having them come and go makes my husband and me feel less lonely. We don't live near any of our family so it's important to still have our girls living at home with us. They will graduate next year, and I'm wondering where their plans will take them. I'm trying to enjoy the moment while I have it with them. I can empathize with the sadness you are feeling since your kids moved out because I find myself often thinking about what it will be like when my daughters move out. I hope your kids come to their senses soon and become a daily part of your life again. Zelda, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think in time things will improve--just keep hanging in there and stay busy doing things you enjoy.