Coping

it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i woke up at 7:00 a.m. i am coping with being all alone. the upstairs renter has been gone all week. of course, she never called me to let me know that she wouldn't be here this week. i left the downstairs door open and lit the hallway for the first couple of days, until i finally caught on, that she wasn't here.

i am dogsitting for a friend. i am forced to charge for the favor. i am broke. i am getting a whole $10 a day. whoopee!! i took the 3 dogs out to the end of the street. i had 2 of the dogs on leashes. cookie, the quiet dog, rolled in something disgusting. i had to give her a bath when we returned. it took me a while, to figure out where the horrible smell was coming from. i washed the kitchen floor with a rag and shook lavender oil everywhere. my charge, the male dog, peed and left his mark everywhere. the amount of barking here is astonishing. i hope the neighbors don't complain.

by son came by during the week, to pick up some shoes from downstairs. he had to deal with me as his 'accomplice' upstairs wasn't here. he seemed genuinely humbled. he actually asked how i was, but i couldn't speak to him. he came at 10:30 p.m. as i was dozing off in front of the television. my remote control doesn't work and i simply, can't be bothered to get out of bed to turn off the boob tube every night. i usually wake up in the wee hours of the night and turn it off. i have to disturb the two dogs who are fast sleep on the sofa with me.

my sister suggested that i speak with someone about the situation with my son. i don't have a rabbi to go to. i don't have a mentor. i casually, mentioned the situation to a rebbesson acquaintance of mine, and she seemed genuinely, stunned by the news. i couldn't bring myself to ask her for advise. she is afterall, recovering from a stroke. i have had people suggest that i start a conversation with my son. i guess i am still hurt by the kids' actions. i am missing the grandkids but not really missing their parents. i am like a prisoner missing his jailer. i think that i have to remain silent for now. in reality, nothing has changed. the kids never engaged me in conversation when they were living downstairs. i went entire weeks without seeing and talking to my grandson even though he was right downstairs.

i went back to the welfare office yesterday, to 'face the music'. i was told by the so called manager, that i would have an answer on wednesday. she told me to come back on thursday and ask for her by name. like a puppet, i showed up at 9:30 a.m. on thursday morning. it was packed there, as always, and very noisy. i ran into an old acquaintance there. she travels once a week, to another city, where i need to be for a legal matter. so now, i have a ride, if i ever get it together to put the house in my name.

i asked at the reception desk, for an appointment with the manager. i was told instantly, that it was not possible. the manager was in a meeting until 2:00 p.m. the old lady at the reception desk, didn't have a clue as to how to reach the manager by intercom phone. most government workers here, are hired by 'who they know' and not by what they know. it is called 'protectzia". the dim witted security guard agreed to call the manager for me. she told him that she had never told me to come in to see her. i was advised to take a number and see a regular clerk. surprisingly, i didn't get upset.

i knew from the start, that the clerk wouldn't have a clue as to how to help me. i also knew that there wouldn't be any information on the computer. that is precisely why, i asked to speak with the manager on tuesday. anyway, i quietly explained my situation. the clerk routinely, asked me, once again, for the bank papers, which i had already submitted the month before. amazingly enough, i didn't get upset or raise my voice. i quietly, explained, that i had submitted another set of papers on tuesday, to the manager, herself.

the clerk routinely, called the manager, and was given a number to call. she finally, understood the situation. the official hebrew translation of my parents' wills came in on wednesday. no one could be bothered to process that information. no one cared that i was left without my monthly stipend. no one cares. that's the harsh reality. i was told that i would receive an answer in a few days. no one mentioned, the word check. the office is closed on fridays. it is only open on sundays, tuesdays and thurdays. are we having fun yet??

as i was actually, right across the street form the seniors' center, i stopped in to say hello. i didn't get to speak with the day worker, as she was embroiled in her own battle with the new manager of the center. i said hello to my ladies down the hall and gave out hugs and kisses. everyone was genuinely, happy to see me. not bad for a 'difficult' personality. i even got a lift straight home by a driver. one of the elderly there, is a neighbor of mine.

it was holocaust day here in israel and that means, 24 hours of no televsion broadcasting, except for holocaust and war movies. i couldn't watch any sad movies this year. i am sad enough. i watched ballroom dancing on the internet. i did catch the end of 'escape from sorbibor' late at night. i am a t.v. junkie, shoot me. i simply, could not force myself to watch the old flick 'the great escape'. there was also a recent tom cruise nazi epic, which was too boring for words. i couldn't watch it. in my defense, i did watch several holocaust testimonies on the internet, and cried my eyes out.

i am alone for shabbat. i have 3 dogs here but i am devoid of human company. it is getting annoying. i don't feel like cooking. i don't feel like going to my sister's, either. they start the meal, way too late for me. i also don't want to face my sister's scrutiny of my mouth. i never got the spaces in my teeth, filled in. now she expects me to have them straightened. try explaining, that at 60, you either get implants or dentures. i am not a hollywood starlet. i cannot afford to redo my teeth and face. i do not enjoy the company of dogs. i also, do not enjoy the company of my sister and her family. i am meant to be alone.

i have a small package of chicken breasts in the freezer. i guess that will be my dinner. i have one carrot and one sweet potato left over from pesach, so i will toss them in a pan with the chicken. i have tons of canned tuna in the pantry, and lots of left over whole wheat matzah. i will simply eat, a tiny bit of the matzah, to avoid an allergic reaction. maybe i'll splurge and go out and buy a roll. who knows??