it is 1:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. tonight is the traditional checking for chometz. i usually pull an all nighter but i am hoping it will all get finished before midnight.
i still have the t.v. area, large bedroom and kitchen counters to clean. and of course, the final washing of the kitchen floors. i am very tired. my back is aching. i did over 12 hours of cleaning yesterday. none of my windows shine. i didn't use windex this year. i couldn't remove several of the windows, either. i simply, threw a lot of soapy water at them. i tried my best to dry them with newspapers. every thing is smeared. i don't have the energy to redo anything now.
this is the wrong time to try to be a perfectionist. i gladly admit that i am not one. i am in the middle of laundry. everything that isn't alive goes into the washer today. i wish that i could bathe the dogs too. i just don't have the energy.
i saw my baby granddaughter in town yesterday. i hadn't seen her in a month. she has grown so big. she is so smiley. too bad that she doesn't know who i am. i wonder how my grandson is doing. i wonder if he realizes that he hasn't seen me in a month. i wonder if a two year old has a concept of time. i wonder if he misses me.
i take comfort in knowing that he has a huge and very loving family. i know that kids are survivors and adjust easily to new situations. i bought some puzzles, and a bag of toffees, just in case i see him over the chag. i seriously, doubt that i will.
my son came over last night to get his car cleaning materials and 'borrow' the vacuum. i say 'borrow' instead of take, because i am trying to be nice. i couldn't clean any of the high places in my house this year, because my son 'borrowed' my ladder and didn't feel like returning it. my son has been coming around at night and the 'sister' upstairs has been letting him in. he doesn't want to see me. he had to knock at my door. i really didn't plan it that way. i handed him the cleaning supplies and bucket and all he managed to say was thanks. that's after he admonished me for not leaving the cleaning supplies downstairs.
while i hang out the wet clothes and while i do other tasks; i think about how i raised my son. i know that i raised him to be a generous, kind and loving person. i guess i didn't raise him to love me. perhaps that is just a natural thing. i don't know. i am very hurt by the kids' animosity right now. i miss my grandson very much. i have to keep to my schedule and finish my pesach cleaning. it seems like so little to do but it's way too much for me today. i don't have much to look forward to this pesach.
i will make my little seder with a couple of gals. i will invite a few guests for the second half of the holiday. i will be totally alone in the house for the week. i guess you pay a stiff price for your freedom. if the kids had decided to move out on their own; perhaps there wouldn't have been all this drama/trauma. i know that i am a good person. too bad that my son doesn't know it. maybe in time he will come around. i am counting on it. it is a different story with my daughter in law.
right now, there is a little bird on my window ledge. he is talking up a storm. i have to take in the laundry and do the t.v area. i still have to tackle the large bedroom. i am a bit hungry but eating is a hassle. i have my partial denture now and chewing on false teeth is ridiculous. i haven't tried almonds. why risk the pain. i have been on a banana, dates, almonds and tuna fish diet for a couple of weeks. i have lost about 11 pounds since before purim. i definately, want to lose another 3 kilos by shavuoth. then, maybe, i'll indulge in a little cheesecake. who knows? i have lost my desire for sweets. i guess the dates suffice.
wishing everyone a happy and healthy and kosher pesach!!!!