Feeling Normal

it is 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i just broke my 14 hour nightly fast and had French toast.  the Sephardi grandma gave me leftover challah rolls last nght.  i had told her that i make toast with them.  most Sephardim do not eat leftovers.  the rolls were a bit underdone and one was actually, raw.   i can freeze them now and put them in the oven for a few minutes, next week.  anyway, i got the idea of making French toast.  i added way too much rice milk and they were too soggy to fry up.

i added lots of cinnamon and vanilla but they were still lacking sweetness.  i have real maple syrup in the pantry but i held out from using it.  i added some frozen banana slices and it did the trick.  i read a blog on getting over binge eating.  apparently, it is a real disorder.  i suffered for many years from food binging.  i was at my worst, a couple of years ago; when the kids left safed.   i became obese.  i no longer could recognize myself.  i would eat all day long and well into the wee hours of the morning.  i never felt satiated.

i was becoming desperate.  at one point i considered becoming bulimic.  i told myself that if i was going to consume 10,000 calories a day; i had to get rid of them, somehow.  i am phobic against vomiting so it wasn't really the answer for me.  at the same time, my friend started intermittent fasting and lost a ton of weight.  she isn't a big eater like myself.  nonetheless; i was lucky to inherit her cast off clothes.  i eventually joined her in intermittent fasting and almost a year later; her cast offs are now my castoffs.  I've had to throw them all out because they are way too large for me now.

i was thinking of taking a bus to town and going to a clothes store to buy a skirt.  my friend, who lives in town; keeps me posted about the comings and goings on these days, downtown.  today she told me that the bakery was crowded and carrying on like normal.  no one was checking temperatures at the door or wearing masks, either.  i won't be going to the bakery, any time soon.  the kids went back to school in safed, this morning.  i have a kindergarten and a day care two doors down from me.  i walked the dogs in the opposite direction this morning.  they were a bit confused.  the male dog nearly refused to come with me.

last night as Shabbat ended, i went downstairs to check on the wellbeing of the Sephardi grandpa.  he seemed fine.  their little 21/4 year old granddaughter seemed very content.  she had a lovely Shabbat downstairs playing with all of the play food and lego i brought down.  i escorted her up the stairs to her aunt's car.  we held hands.  it felt marvelous.  it was the first personal touch I've had in months.  it felt so normal.  of course; i washed my hands immediately afterwards.

i had also gone to visit my friend in the evening.  i actually, entered her home and drank tea in her dining room.  that was another first.  we sat around the table and schmoozed for a couple of hours.  i stayed for the ceremonial prayer to end the Shabbat and went home.  it felt so normal.  i don't know how we older folks, are going to reenter society now.  i won't be going to the open market any time soon.  i'm still grappling with a plan to get to see my oncologist in tel aviv next month.

we will just have to wait and watch the numbers for the next couple of weeks.  what a way to live.  it was so nice feeling normal for a few hours yesterday.  we did have a very abnormal rain storm in the early morning.  i tried to open the door to let the dogs out but the winds were so strong that i couldn't pull the door open.  it felt like a hurricane, for sure.  it didn't last that long.  it ended up being warm and sunny and many people stepped out for a walk, without masks.  i saw a lot of cows yesterday and a fox.  this morning i only saw one badger.