it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. it looks like rain. it is cold. too. i haven't been sleeping well. one of my dogs is very sick. i can't get a hold of a vet to visit. i've been giving her some antibiotics but i don't know if she will pull through. i keep glancing over to her to see if she is still alive.
i've been babysitting a lot this holiday. the kindergartens closed a few days before the holiday even began.. this is really not fair on the parents and extended families. i have been lifting the toddler a lot lately and my back is kaput. she now climbs up the stairs all the time to visit. i locked my door yesterday and she just stood on the landing knocking for me to open the door.
she is pretty bright and hasn't yet turned two. i can deal with one of them at a time but together they make up one heck of a wrestling 'tag' team. i actually fell asleep with the toddler for a while yesterday, and i woke up to a wet bed and soaked skirt. i don't believe any of us pished on the bed. someone dowsed me with water.
dealing with a ''terrible' two and 'horrible' four is a very hard job for anyone. they both tend to have temper tantrums and someone is always crying. they both can be obnoxious and strike out physically at any given moment. i go right to sleep when the mommy comes home. i live in fear of getting sick from them. all of their school mates are being given the live polio vaccine. they claim that vaccinated children cannot catch polio from the oral vaccine. let's hope that they can't be carriers, also. i flinch every time one coughs.
we haven't used our sukkah much this season. we did have one shabbat meal together but got rained out on saturday. i had a cook out on sunday with a few friends. one gal 'manned' the grill while we sat inside blabbing. i arranged salads and dressings and even made a noodle kugel. we had steaks, hamburgers and hot dogs. the weather was just right. my friends even brought chassidic music for the atsmosphere.
the kids are working all through the week and even the children are busy indoors watching television and playing with their toys. no one really wants to hang out together in the sukkah with me. i guess i had the fantasy that we would all meet downstairs at breakfast time to eat in the sukkah and talk. the only time i see the kids is when they need something from me. my son comes up for milk, juice, toilet paper and to ask me to babysit. that's about the gist of it. no one wants to talk to me. even the grandson tells me to be quiet when he's engrossed in a show.
i had someone who did engage with me but he expected marriage in return. i simply couldn't take on the commitment at this point in my life. it was nice though, to have someone who enjoyed my company and energy. i am once again a bit down. i think the kids will be here for Simchas Torah. at this point, it doesn't matter if they go somewhere else. i am tired of serving them. i am tired of running around to please them and take care of their kids. i am tired of being ignored and being made to feel extinct. i am tired of the financial burden.
i was watching an old movie from the 50's called 'marty' with ernest borgnine. it was about a 35 year old bachelor living with his 'old' italian widowed mother. she and her sister were both in their mid fifties left to live with their grown up sons. one sister was being forced out of her home because her young daughter-in-law couldn't get along with her. sometimes i feel like this. i feel like i'm in the way. i feel like an old shoe. i feel like nobody here gives a hoot.
maybe it was a mistake to give up on the shidduch. i did have company. so what if the guy drove me crazy? at least i wouldn't be alone right now. or maybe i'd be right here blogging about how he was driving me crazy. i think i don't do well psychologically, with fall and winter weather. the sun just came out and i feel better already. i guess i'm just very tired and it gets me down. i'm plagued with memories of the past. i remember holidays filled with guests and sukkahs filled with people. i can't be happy with what is now. it's hard to just be in the moment. it's hard to accept being alone. it's hard to accept being home all the time.