Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Happy New Year

it is 7:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i just got relieved from my babysitting post.  i had to pick up my grandson from his gan today.  it was the first time in nearly a year.  i had to cab it.  i went to town in the morning to catch a couple of torah classes at the chabad house.  it was hard to hear the women speak.  i was not comfortable.  i felt nauseous and tired.  my eyes were burning.  it was very hot.  i had trouble concentrating.  as i looked around at the crowd i felt like i was hallucinating.  it was reminiscent of how i felt after radiation treatments.

i needed to pay a couple of bills and order new checks at the bank.  as it was already unbearably hot, i skipped the errands and went straight to the classes.  they are predicting a record high heat wave for yom kippur this shabbat.  as if it isn't bad enough having to fast for a whole shabbat, we will also fry.  i am already dreading the fast.  i am in a state of near panic.

i am not in a good frame of mind.  the new year has just started and i am already feeling depleted.  the food preparations for the holidays was gruelling this year.  i still have three entrees in the freezer to use for the next holiday or shabbat.  i ate way too much on rosh hashana and felt awful after shabbat.  i don't think eating honey with bread agrees with me anymore.  i fasted an entire day on sunday and i haven't felt well since.  it is hard for me to stay hydraded.  i can't seem to drink fluids.

it was hard for me to daven at the bomb shelter this year.  it was hard to stand during the entire service.  i felt nauseous for most of the day.  there was no air circulating in the bomb shelter chabad shul.  i sat  too close to the wall fan and i was afraid of getting bels palsy again.  my eye was anyway, burning and red and very dry from the heat.  they use a very unattractive, shmutzy, piece of beige material to separate the men and women's sections.  it added to my feeling of claustrobia.

it is impossible to see what is going on in the men's section now.  how is one supposed to know when one is obligated to stand when one cannot see when the aron is open.  the rav who read the torah portion didn't speak above a whisper.  when it came time to blow the shofar, he couldn't get a note out.  i was feeling enraged.  i was feeling desperate.  i was feeling depressed.  i was feeling trapped.   i left the bomb shelter before the musaf prayer.  it was the first time that i left early in 11 years.

i decided to come home and serve the holiday meal that i had prepared for the kids and a friend.  i couldn't stand one more minute in the bomb shelter.  the kids had prayed at the sephardi shul.  it started a full hour before the chabad minyon, so everyone was already home.  i have never missed the musaf prayer and i had mixed feelings about it.

it looks like i'll be alone for yom kippur.  i do not know if i'll make it all day at the bomb shelter.  my good friend is going to the sephardi shul.  she absolutely cannot deal with the chabad bomb shelter anymore.  i kind of think it is ruined for me too.  i won't understand a word of prayer at the sephardi shul but it would be very comfortable there.  i am at a loss for my spirituality.

i called off my shidduch at last.  i offered to maintain a friendship but i knew it wasn't meant to be.  i will be dealing pretty soon with the neurosurgeon.  i have to do another brain mri in november.  i am feeling lonely.  i miss the male attention and energy.  i miss the familiarity.  but when all is said and done, i do not think that i could have married this man.  i simply could not take the stress anymore.

my home insurance salesman just called to let me know that i dated all of my checks for 2012 and 2013.  i am amazed at how poorly i am thinking.  luckily he's my cousin and will change the dates on the checks for me.  i always fear early onset altzheimers as my dad succumbed to this.  you would think i have enough on my plate.  instead of being greatful for how well i am, i seem to complain alot and focus alot on the negative.  i  guess i'll have to work on this a lot this year.

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