it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. today is sunday. we survived the yom kippur fast and lived to tell the tale. i was living in dread before shabbat. i spent most of rosh hashanah 'seeing' dead people. i even dreamt of my mother. it wasn't a pleasant dream. it was full of psychodrama and other family members. it was the first time i dreamed of here since she died five years ago.
i had the awful feeling that i was going to die on yom kippur. i really thought that i was going to drop dead either in my home, or in the bomb shelter. i don't know why i was feeling that way, in all honesty. i cried when i said goodbye to the kids. i felt that it was going to be the last time that i saw them. i dreaded being alone. i have been alone on yom kippur for the past five years and i have always looked forward to it. not so, this year.
i made it to the bomb shelter for the evening service. i was dressed all in white and feeling a bit uncomfortable in too many layers of clothes. the space was comfortable for a change. the service was divine. i was totally in the moment. i saw my girlfriend and ended up walking her and her husband back home. i was feeling no pain. i was actually feeling energetic. i ran into another acquaintance and walked her home. too. i ran up a few flights of stairs and made it home. it was warm but i was feeling well.
i got undressed and retreated to my t.v. sofa. i started to read the book of Yonah until i passed out. i woke up at about 6:30 a.m. and didn't feel so great. my stomach was churning. i was hungry. i let the dogs out and davened on the couch. i didn't think i could make it up and out to services. i rested for a while and when i felt stronger i got dressed and made it out by 9:00 a.m. the bomb shelter wasn't too crowded. i sat opposite the fan. the service was wonderful. i was in my element. i was feeling no pain. i was actually happy even though i was all alone.
i came back at 1:30 p.m. and got undressed. i lay on the couch and finished the book of Yonah. i passed out for about 20 minutes. i got up and out for the 5:30 p.m. service. because we didn't turn the clocks back yet, the fast was an hour longer this year. we ended the service about 7:30 p.m. and had refreshments to break the fast. i got home at 8:00 p.m. the kids came back early and my son was hungry. i made him some salad and eggs. i wasn't ready to eat. later on, i had some lox and cream cheese on a whole wheat pita. and then i started eating and couldn't stop. it didn't matter what i ate, i wasn't satiated.
i couldn't fall asleep. i didn't have any caffeine and yet there was no sleep. i finally passed out after 5:00 a.m. i got up at around 9:00 a.m. i started eating again. nothing seems to fill me up. it's very hot. i felt faint a few times today. the gardener was here and i couldn't go downstairs to say hello. i stayed in bed for most of the day. i felt pretty weak. i had to babysit for a few hours in the evening. the kids came back at midnight. my grandson is still up. the toddler didn't fall asleep until after 10:00 p.m.
my son took in a pug puppy. that's all we need, another dog. my grandson is nuts about it and is making the puppy nuts. i am not going to bail my son out of this situation. the dog already pished on the bed a little while ago. the daughter-in-law will throw it out once it makes on the floor. here we go again! the kids are going to the sephardi clan for the first leg of the holidays on wednesday night. i guess i'll have them for shabbat and simchas torah.
i can invite myself out for the holiday or invite some people to my sukkot table. the entrees are in the freezer. i did invite my friends for a barbecue. we can either do one on thursday afternoon after services, or during the week. we will figure it out later. hopefully, my son will assemble our sukkah tomorrow. i have tons of plastic fruit to hang up. i kind of wish that i had a bunch of money to buy new material and a new covering but i don't. we will just have to make do with what we have this year.