Falling Leaves

it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  the holidays are finally over.  i actually had a glorious simchat torah.  i thoroughly enjoyed the sephardi service at the big synagogue down the street.  i even stayed for the elaborate kiddish afterwards.  my son did a wonderful grill with lamb chops and steaks for our holiday meal.  i enjoyed some wine, too.  i later went to the chabad bomb shelter to say yizkor and had a 'bit' of vodka.  i was feeling no pain for hours.  i took a walk later on that evening.  i was feeling restless.

i've been in bed for a week.  it started to get cold and then it got hot again.  i've had a sore back for days. lifting small kids will do that to you.  i  worked on disassembling the sukkah for a couple of hours by myself.  i took down all of the ornaments and material.  i washed the curtains.  i started taking the bars apart but i had no more strength to finish.  my son finally put it away after i screamed at him the next day.

i am waiting for the kids to come home.  i'm babysitting for a little while until my son gets back from work. the daughter-in-law has a family function in another town tonight.  i'm pretty worn out at this point.  i would love to go to the supermarket but i can't leave.

i finally caught up with my laundry.  it started drizzling today so i hauled everything off of  the lines.  i will have to reconnect the dryer soon.  i have been losing sleep over my lack of funds lately.  it seems that i didn't get my disability check for two months.  as i turned 62 in july, they automatically stopped my checks.  of course, i didn't receive a letter of explanation or any forms to fill out.  i called my brother for an emergency loan.  i also, took out an emergency loan from the bank.

i never got reimbursed for the taxis i took back from the hospital, either.  i am in a total fiscal collapse.  is it any wonder that i wake up every night at about 3:30 a.m?  my son hasn't given me a penny in months and  the bills are lining up to be paid.  i have an appointment soon with the radiologist.  and then i'll be doing another MRI of my brain.  i am tired and very depressed.  that can't be so good for my health.

a few months back when i really needed help, the law of the land excluded me because i was 61.  yes,  i was too 'young' to get someone in to help me clean and shop.  suddenly i am 62 and the law of the lands says i'm too old to get disability.  i spent half the day at the national insurance office on tuesday.  i was given forms to fill out and the cold shoulder.  as usual, i was told that it was all my fault.

i had to seek help from a volunteer to deal with the forms.  it turns out that we used to volunteer together at the old age center.  i broke down and cried.  it was all so overwhelming for me.  i have exhausted all funds back in the U.S  and have been a burden on my siblings, to boot.  i feel rotten.  i am sick from the injustice of it all, too.  i am sick of fighting the bureaucracy here.

i landed back in bed until today.  i couldn't move.  i was emotionally and physically drained from all the stress about money.  i have been stripped of all finances, temporarily.  i  don't get it.   there is a cosmic message for me here to understand.  unfortunately, all my friends are in the same boat.  and these are the 'golden
 years???