it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. the holidays are finally over. i actually had a glorious simchat torah. i thoroughly enjoyed the sephardi service at the big synagogue down the street. i even stayed for the elaborate kiddish afterwards. my son did a wonderful grill with lamb chops and steaks for our holiday meal. i enjoyed some wine, too. i later went to the chabad bomb shelter to say yizkor and had a 'bit' of vodka. i was feeling no pain for hours. i took a walk later on that evening. i was feeling restless.
i've been in bed for a week. it started to get cold and then it got hot again. i've had a sore back for days. lifting small kids will do that to you. i worked on disassembling the sukkah for a couple of hours by myself. i took down all of the ornaments and material. i washed the curtains. i started taking the bars apart but i had no more strength to finish. my son finally put it away after i screamed at him the next day.
i am waiting for the kids to come home. i'm babysitting for a little while until my son gets back from work. the daughter-in-law has a family function in another town tonight. i'm pretty worn out at this point. i would love to go to the supermarket but i can't leave.
i finally caught up with my laundry. it started drizzling today so i hauled everything off of the lines. i will have to reconnect the dryer soon. i have been losing sleep over my lack of funds lately. it seems that i didn't get my disability check for two months. as i turned 62 in july, they automatically stopped my checks. of course, i didn't receive a letter of explanation or any forms to fill out. i called my brother for an emergency loan. i also, took out an emergency loan from the bank.
i never got reimbursed for the taxis i took back from the hospital, either. i am in a total fiscal collapse. is it any wonder that i wake up every night at about 3:30 a.m? my son hasn't given me a penny in months and the bills are lining up to be paid. i have an appointment soon with the radiologist. and then i'll be doing another MRI of my brain. i am tired and very depressed. that can't be so good for my health.
a few months back when i really needed help, the law of the land excluded me because i was 61. yes, i was too 'young' to get someone in to help me clean and shop. suddenly i am 62 and the law of the lands says i'm too old to get disability. i spent half the day at the national insurance office on tuesday. i was given forms to fill out and the cold shoulder. as usual, i was told that it was all my fault.
i had to seek help from a volunteer to deal with the forms. it turns out that we used to volunteer together at the old age center. i broke down and cried. it was all so overwhelming for me. i have exhausted all funds back in the U.S and have been a burden on my siblings, to boot. i feel rotten. i am sick from the injustice of it all, too. i am sick of fighting the bureaucracy here.
i landed back in bed until today. i couldn't move. i was emotionally and physically drained from all the stress about money. i have been stripped of all finances, temporarily. i don't get it. there is a cosmic message for me here to understand. unfortunately, all my friends are in the same boat. and these are the 'golden