I'm A Loser!

sorry folks for not blogging lately. i haven't been feeling well. the last virus did me in. my face got twisted and my eye doesn't properly close. i spent last shabbos alone. the kids were ready to leave at 6:00 p.m. to go to gal's family and i wasn't ready. i had watched the baby all morning and i had spent the entire day doing the kids' laundry and washing the floors.

i was waiting for someone to tell me what time we were expected to leave but noone did. i pulled a real hissy fit when zvi came downstairs to leave. by then i was no longer in the mood to be with people and much too tired to walk all the way to canaan. i set my shabbas table, defrosted some rolls and cooked up two hot dogs. that was my shabbat meal. i had an appple for dessert and a few grapes.

i had a humus sandwich for lunch. i wasn't feeling any more energetic in the daytime and i simply stayed in bed, reading psalms. i went outside in the evening to catch a breeze. by the way, the heatwave has finally ended and it is turning cold.

i finally made it to the water company and paid up. i was so worried all the time that they would turn off my water. they actually do that here. i finally made it back to yoga and aroebics and the senior citizens' center after a two week sickness, and i watched sahar on monday and wednesday.

i went to the supermarket this morning and bought almost everything i need for this shabbat and next week's jewish new years. i'll buy all the challah next week. i managed to get the veggies, fruit, fish, meat and chicken. i filled up the freezer.

i also got a new part time job. first time in years. i was hired to help with correspondence and billing in a new art gallery. i was asked to start this morning. i was a bit nervous but i manged to show up, anyway. i looked around at all the nude sculptures and pictures and i thought to myself that this really wasn't the most appropriate environment for a middle aged frum lady. i guess, i knew that from the start.

i really needed the money. one month of working in the gallery would have paid my electric bill or real estate tax or even water bill. they wanted me to create an introductory template letter on word so i sat down at the computer and had a panick attack, full blown melt down. i couldn't remember how to write a letter. i actually, never formatted a word document before. i thought that i would just be answering emails. i suddenly couldn't see out of my right eye. i just wanted to go home.

i continued to talk to them about the content of the letter but i wanted out. i finally apologized for waisting their time and got up and explained that i wasn't feeling well and had to go home. they seemed genuinely, concerned. i felt totally, demoralized. i stopped off at the local fruit store and picked up a few more things for rosh hashanah.

i caught the bus home and wanted to call my son and cry. instead, i decided to cook. i thought that i might have to baby sit tomorrow so i started to prepare the shabbat meal. i made a cooked sephardi tomato relish. i stewed some tuna fillets in a piquant tomato sauce. i made a potato salad. i baked a whole wheat banana cake. i cooked a roast beef in sweet wine for next week and froze it. i broiled a chicken in sweet chili sauce and froze it. i made an eggplant salad. i made an avocado and egg salad. i fried up chicken breasts using corn meal and sesame seeds for the batter.

it's 1:00 p.m. and i'm still feeling ashamed. i feel over the hill and worthless. i can't seem to shake this feeling of helplessness. i was even called out on my over feeding the baby tonight. i feel like such a boob! i have never turned down work but i've been unemployed for years. i can't deal well with pressure anymore.

the news has been so tragic in the past couple of days. 4 people were murdered by arabs the other day and another couple were badly injured. there are 6 new orphans without any parents. a woman and her nine month old fetus were slaughtered. her oldest child who is only 24 himself, promised at her grave to raise his siblings. a man from zefat, and father of 11, miraculously survived a near lynching. how much longer can we suffer like this ?

i just keep on making my menus. the holiday starts on wednesday night and goes into the shabbat. there are three evening meals and three daytime meals. we fast on the upcoming sunday. i still want to make meatballs and/or stuffed peppers, coleslaw, and some type of quiche or kugel tomorrow. i also need to clean the house and do laundry. what a cinch!

good shabbas and l'shana tova!!!