Feeling Desolate

it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  right now it is still quiet in the north.  the constant sounds of our fighter planes is our background noise.  Thank G-d that we haven't had a reign of missiles here.  it was a long and very hard summer.  the record heat wave, the daily demonstrations against the government, and the frequent acts of terrorism; made life here pretty intense.  i was afraid to travel.  i didn't get to visit my grandkids. the holidays were difficult this year.  i struggled to feel joyous but persevered to be in the moment.  i think weall new in our heart of hearts; that war was inevitable.  the writing was on the wall.  the lack of unity in the country was awful. there was a real threat of civil war.

on friday night, i went to the sephardi synagogue in my neighborhood for services.  it was shabbat and our holiday festival, simchat torah.  the men do a proession holding the beautiful torah scrolls, which are adorned with scarves and flowers.  they sing beautiful liturgies and circle around the bima many times. then they sing and dance with the torah scrolls.  at one point all the men held hands as they sang. i cried at the beauty in their unity.  i felt joyous.  i felt hopeful for the jewish people.  i came home and had my holiday shabbat meal.  i was alone but i felt blessed and i went to sleep after my meal.

on saturday morning, i went to the synagogue for morning services.  a lady, one of the regulars; told us that she had heard some very disurbing news about what was happening in the country.  i knew that we were under attack in the south.  i knew that rockets were falling all over our major cities and that on our holy sabbath and holiday, sirens were ringing.  then someone else spoke of terrorists infiltrating the country.  women paced and looked out of the window. i didn't quite understand exactly what was happening. i have lived in israel for nearly 40 years but my hebrew is poor.

i witnessed a few young men, in the middle of our prayers, saying goodbye to their families.  i saw mothers, rushing out of the synagogue to say goodbye to their sons.  i cried.  i have lived through two other wars. i had never seen the men actually, leaving. yes, these soldiers are young men.  many have already died.  i read a list of the fallen this morning.  i stared at their beautiful and young faces.  i cried for their families and for their losses. on saturday afternoon, the few people that i passed on the street; looked broken. i heard only two words: war and 'balagan'.  i understand now that everyone was in shock.

i saw the look of horror on many faces.  one of my neighbor's sons told me about the attacks on the moshavs and the taking of hostages.  he said, war and balagan.  he also told me that if the missiles started to fall on safed that i was to come to them.  he insisted that i do not remain alone.  i wanted to visit a friend but i didn't want to to deliver this horrible news to her.  it was suddenly very hot.  i came home and changed my clothes.   i went for a 40 ninute walk.  i begged G-d for mercy the entire time.  i spoke in english, my native language.  i stopped in the local chabad services in my neighborhood.  the men pray in a tent.  the women sit under a pergula.  it was very peaceful there.  no one looked grief stricken.  no one said, war, balagan.  i didn't think anyone knew we were at war.  everyone there was joyous.

i stayed until the afternoon and evening services finished.  i felt safe.  i fet welcomed.  i felt hopeful. the rebbeson there indeed, knew of the war but she never missed a beat.  her faith is that strong.  i came home and took a nap.  i ended shabbat with the ritual prayer.  my son came over.  he and his family were in safed for the shabbat.  we watched the news.  it was devastating.  it was like watching a disaster movie but bruce willis and gerad butler weren't in it.  my son talked about returning to jerusalem. i was distraught.  i begged him to stay the night in safed.  after he left i kind of collalsed in bed.  i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep. i turned off the t.v.

i watched old videos of "everyone loves raymond" to about 4 or 5:00 a.m. i needed a bit of relief.  i got up at 7:00 a.m. and walked the dogs.  my gardner came and took down my sukkah for me.  i was planning to do it.  i really didn't have the strength to but i thought i did.  the gardner who is in his 50's was very quiet. he usually has what to talk about.  he had that same dazed look as everyone else.  i finally brought in the sukkah decorations last night.  the material is still in my living room . i can't seem to be able to focus and fold it.  i did a few batches of laundry in the afternoon.  i swept the floors. my friend went food shopping.  i couldn't get dressed and i didn't want to go out.  i think i have enough food to get me through this week.

i have a safe room in my house. it has a steel window and is supported with heavy concrete.  i already placed a bed there just in case.  i feel fortunate and i also feel alone.  i spent many nights in this safe room with my mom, and friends and son during the last war.  we ate well and supported each other.  i try to limit the amount of news that i watch.  it is aganizing.  the country has been demoralized.  the death toll is up to 700 and the injured is over 2000.  almost 100 people, including woman and children are being held captive.  i am trying my best to keep busy and to remain regulalted.  i am afraid to take a walk even though we are not under attack here.  we are told to stay close to our bomb shelters.  i try desparatetly not to go down the rabbit hole.  i try to remember that G-d is in control and not hamas.  i try to act strong but on the inside, i am crushed.  i have this gnawing in my gut and my head aches.  i feel useless.