it is 8:15 a.m. in the holy city of safed. i just got back from walking the dogs. they built a traffic circle at the top of my street where i catch the bus to town. they have been repaving the sidewalks up here for weeks. it has been quite difficult walkling through the traffic with the dogs. they repainted the crosswalks but sadly, most people drive right past them. now that the kids are back to school, i have the burden of navigating me and my dogs through the lines of parked cars of parents dropping off their kids to the day care and gan at the end of my street. needless to say , no one is watching as they back out and people are driving too close to my behind for my liking.
yes, it is best that i take the dogs out earlier. i sometimes manage to get out at 6:00 a.m. but lately i have had difficulty falling asleep. i am more anxious than ever. i try not watching the news but it does catch up to you. this incredible heat wave has not helped soothe the worries, either. the neighborhood pool is still open for another week but i find myself feeling restless and bored there. now that summer is officially over, i am at a loss of what to do. i want to travel to see my grandkids and yet i am nervous about travelling. for now i am stating close to home.
rosh hashana is right around the corner. the day of judgement! ooh scarey. i feel unworthy. i feel isolated and not with it. i feel the world passing me by. i spent several months at the pool. there, i was known. there, i got greeted by my friends and even the lifeguards. there i felt, rormal. there i felt accepted. now i feel like a shut in. i feel like a grumpy old woman. i have thought about doing some volunteer work. i used to help out the dementia group at the seniors' day center. i am a senior now and although, not demented, i feel that i could use some help.
i thought about; perhaps once a week, going to the english library to sit and talk with individuals who want to improve their english skills. it is easy for me to make conversation. i am a natural yenta so it is a good fit. after the holidays i will formulate a plan. it is turning hotter and once again; it is going to be close to 100 degrees over shabbat. i go to the pool at noon now. then at night, i try to do my walk. i don't always succeed. my blood work up did not show great results from my eating green and intermittent fasting. even my vitamin d level was low even tough i have been at the pool all summer, for hours. go know?
i have little patience for anything. i am super crabby. all my friends say i am negative. i am fighting demons and ghosts constantly. i am ranting all the time. this blog was created to channel my rantings but it doesn't seem to be helping. i am now going into covid avoidance mode. i do not want to be around any crowds of people. i have not managed to lose any weight this summer. i eat like a truck driver and i eat non stop. i am dreading the holidays. i am dreading the long prayer services.
the kids will not be joining me for any holiday meals. i will eat with friends at night and bring the simbolic foods like: dates, pomegranate, beets, black eyed peas, carrots, gourd, leeks, fish head, apples etc. i bought a great bottle of wine. i will drink it with my friends. i will try to be happy. i will try to stay at services and be grateful for what i can do. i will try my best to be positive. i will try not to judge anyone. i will try to be me, again. it has been a long while for the real zelda to thrive. the angry, abused zelda is always present.
the workmen finally showed up. i am having house repairs done before winter. it is all outside work. they are using sealent material and my house is reeking from the strong chemicals. i just ran around closing all of my windows but the smell lingers in the air. i will head for the pool to avoid the paint smells. unfortunately, there has been a foul smell of sewage at the pool lately. i can't catch a break, LOL.
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