Losing It

it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  i am in a funk.  the 45 minute walks aren't helping all that much.  my body aches. my legs and my lower back are quite stiff.  i take the dogs out at 6:00 a.m. to avoid the kids and parents coming to the kindergartens and daycare a few houses up the street, from me.   the mayor told the old people to stay in between 7:30 and 8:30 a.m.  i am getting fed up with all of this.

i have started walking to town.  it's about 45 minutes in a slow stroll.  i am not doing power walking.  i do not carry weights nor do i swing my arms.  i just keep on moving.  i have fantasies of returning home on foot.  i am not ready for that yet.  i come back on a city bus.  it is a bit nerve wracking.  it is so very hard to breathe with a surgical mask in the warm weather.  in winter, it will be splendid, i'm sure.

my son wants me to come to Jerusalem to help take care of the baby.  i don't have a dog sitter and they do not want me bringing my two dogs there.  not working is taking a toll on my budget and my mental state.  i am doing practically nothing.  i get up early and take the dogs out and then i take a walk.  sometimes i go to a store but the prices are very high right now.  i do not feel like sitting in a coffee shop next to people or hanging outside for too long.  i don't even do laundry.  i wash out my under ware by hand, in the bath tub.

i usually troll the net for a few hours in the morning.  i get into documentaries.  i watched the ali- frazer fight in manila yesterday.  it was brutal.  i break my nightly 12 hour fast and eat for a while and then i pass out.  in the early afternoon, i eat again.  i hardly cook.  yesterday, i was craving a cheese sandwich so i bought some organic rye bread and a small package of lactose and additives free semi hard sliced cheese.  it was heavenly.

i still have a pint or so of fake banana ice cream every day.  it is just frozen banana and peach chunks with a splash of organic rice and almond milk..  sometimes i add frozen cherries.  it's refreshing and very delicious.  it tastes like good quality sherbet.  i also eat a few dried figs every day.  i haven't been eating any poultry.  i cooked some for Shabbat but lost my desire to eat it.  i froze it for this Shabbat.  i like to have grains for dinner.  it isn't very keto but i like it.  yesterday i did a lot of carbs.  i had oatmeal for breakfast.

i watch more television and internet shows in the evening.  i go to bed late because i nap in the afternoon.  it's a very unproductive life.  i don't read much.  i tried on Shabbat.  i seem to fall asleep a lot.  i feel like an old lady.  it is depressing.  i am so over this rona.  i feel so empty.  my spiritualty has waned.  i find it hard to see the good things in life. 

i just saw a jackal.  he looked very lonely.  i wondered if it was the same one that i saw a few months ago.  i haven't seen any in months.  i was so sure that the humane wildlife organization that i had called; had come to pick him up.  it made me sad.  the weeds are growing sky high these days.  there are all sorts of creatures hiding in the bushes.  the dogs are going slightly nuts.  it is a bit dangerous because of snakes.  i am rather tired this morning.  i went to sleep about 3:00 a.m.  i don't think i am up for my morning walk.  oh well.......