Saturday Evening

it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  Shabbat ended a little while ago.  I didn't make a big fuss for Shabbat.  a friend brought over a bit of lamb for me.  my good friends are in the U.S. and so I was all alone.  I was having a hard time on Friday.  I am in a real funk since the grandkids moved away.  I went to visit them last week.  the yeshiva had an off Shabbat.  I met a gal pal at the station one.  my son has a gallery there.  there are many restaurants and fun things to do with the kids.  each time I visit we meet and have dinner and catch a movie.  this time I was anxious to get back to the kids' apartment before they went to bed.  I always sleep with them.  I have to lie between them and hold onto them until they fall asleep.  I think we were all asleep by 9:00 p.m.

everyone went to work and school and I was alone in the apartment.  I took advantage of the alone time and showered and got ready for Shabbat.  it comes in at 4:00 p.m. these days.  I spent a lot of time on the phone with my girlfriends in safed.  Shabbat is hectic because everyone is exhausted and hasn't spent a lot of time with each during the week.  I tried to stay neutral and keep my mouth shut.  when I first arrived the kids asked me how long I was staying.  they both went hysterical when I told them that I had to leave on sunday morning.  I ,in turn, started crying.  when my grandson saw that I was also sad, he stopped crying immediately and hugged me.

it is very hard not seeing them all the time.  I helped raise them for a total of 9 years.  I go to the yeshiva everyday and cook for about 5-6 hours.  there are 18 students now.  they eat like a crowd of 25. I have been struggling with back pain.  I fell off of a chair before Rosh Hashanah and I think this is a result of the fall.  I am not one for running to the doctor and I have been trying to ride it out.  it seems to be getting worse.  my sciatic kicked in.  it is problematic on my right side.  my foot swells up and my hand gets stiff.

when I cook I stand.  somehow this is less painful than sitting.  I have been sleeping a lot.  the pain is below my neck between the shoulder blades.  it is painful and difficult to turn my neck.  I am in constant pain.  I am in the process of down sizing.  I have an enormous house with three floors and enough closet space to store many things.  I don't want these things anymore.  most of them was my mother's possessions.  she was also a hoarder.  I recently took all of the English judaica books that I don't read or even look at to a small book store in town.  why not have other people enjoy them.  this was a huge process.  each day I would taxi to town with two large bags full.  I was able to clear a huge book case.  it is sitting downstairs for someone to claim.

I packed up 6 large garbage bags of old prayer books that were in bad condition.  that cleared out another book case.  they are currently sitting on my front porch.  they are very heavy.  I am in no condition to lift these bags.  I need to call a taxi and bring them to a place where they bury old books. I throw a few things out every day.  I threw out an old telephone table yesterday.  I fantasize about leaving Safed and moving to Jerusalem.  I do not think that I am ready to sell my house but I could rent it out and then rent an apartment in Jerusalem.  I find it very hard to really actualize this.  I fear renters.  I don't have any money to make changes in the house. I roam around my floor and look at all of the antique furniture and think about selling it.

I know that it would get destroyed moving it.  it made it here from New York but they were professional  packers.  I doubt something like that exists here.  who knows?  right now I am fantasizing about making a thanksgiving meal for friends.  I doubt that I will have the strength to do one.  I go to work, come home, watch t.v. and then go to sleep.  I don't feel like cooking when I come back from work.  I tend to binge on chocolates.  I don't have the energy to shop for food after work.  I come back at 6:00 p.m. or later and it is dark and cold.  I sometimes take a taxi home.

yesterday, about an hour before Shabbat I put up the hot water urn, boiled some eggs, cut some veggies for a salad, opened a can of corn and broiled some lamb kabobs.  voila, I made Shabbat. it was weird being alone for Shabbat. I was very down. I went to bed right after eating and read a bit and then went to sleep.  I made it to synagogue but didn't stay for the Kiddush.  I felt like a loner.  I didn't want to be with people.  I came home, had some kabobs and salad and went to sleep.