it is 630 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. my holy temple is being destroyed. my son came up a little while ago to tell me that they were planning on moving out. apparently, he read my blogs and doesn't like what I have been writing about him, his wife and her family. what started out as an outlet for my stress has turned into wrecking my home.
my son feels that I talked about him so negatively, that I destroyed his reputation and respect from I guess, my readers and my neighbors. I tried to explain that I take poetic license and of course, I do exaggerate. it was never my intention to denigrate his manhood. I never meant to cause a riff between him and his wife. the last thing that I would want, is to cause a split between them. I feel ripped apart, myself.
I do not do well with changes. I have been giving out mixed messages for a long time. my son does not want to go to a mediator with me. he seems traumatized by me and doesn't want to work anything out together. I can't see our working this out, either. time can heal they say. I just don't know what I want. I've never really had a life. I left home at thirty three and came to Israel. I had a baby at thirty five and became an observant woman. I had a core group of friends and did some comedic theatre.
I married at forty and it only lasted a year. I raised my son alone and gave up on remarrying. at 50 I was asked by my mom to move back to the states to take care of my dad. my parents moved to Israel and we all moved into this huge house. I spent a lot of time helping my parents make Aliya. I went to a lot of doctors appointments and assumed the chores of the household. my mother was quite controlling and thought herself to be the good mom of my son. I was the bad mom. yes, he had two moms.
at 58 I married off my only child and lost my mom. I took care of my grandson for about two years and finally went to work at a yeshiva as a vegan cook. it was the first time that I was not a caregiver. at 60 I had cancer and no job and no life once again. I have allowed myself to get fat and inactive. I gave up a chance of getting married again. I became a care giver once again for the grandchildren. I gave up on ever knowing who zelda is. I hid behind my babysitting chores. I made Shabbat and holiday meals and thought that I was contributing to the welfare of my family. but I don't feel like I have a family, in the end.
selling my house and travelling the world is not my cup of tea. finding something to keep me satisfied creatively and physically, is not in my vocabulary yet. I can't hide behind my son and family anymore. I need to survive on my own. why am I so scared? I'm only 65 and I feel like I'm 85. the jig is up. the temple is destroyed. the drama queen doesn't want anymore drama.