it is 8:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. I am much calmer today. yesterday, I think I spent 8 hours on the phone with all of my best friends. I was definitely 'ranting zelda'. I felt so awful and bitter. the day before I kept busy by helping someone through the medical and social system's bureaucracy process. it was a truly exhausting day. I did feel good about myself and my future for a few hours. I was manic. I couldn't sleep that night.
I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I forgot to drink yesterday. I was so busy ranting that I didn't take a break to have a drink. I did eat quite a bit and even had some of the tiramisu dessert that I had made on Friday. it was yummy and the taste of whiskey was divine. I didn't use wine this time because we traditionally don't drink wine or grape juice during the nine days before the fast of tisha b'av. this is a time of mourning for the Jewish people. historically, both temples were destroyed.
at around 11:00 p.m. I ran in the kitchen to pour myself a tall glass of chocolate milk. I also ate a handful of grapes. I had an immediate stomach attack and spent a few hours in the toilet. I'm sure I was dehydrated. I tried to drink a couple of glasses of water. I truly felt ill last night. I fell asleep with the television on. I woke up and couldn't stand up. I went back to sleep until almost noon. I had planned to go to town to see my friend. we ended up on the phone for hours.
my good friend and psychic twin sister, sent me a nice amount of money to show her support. my friends do love me. I'd like to believe that I have been a true and loyal friend throughout my life. I have never had so much drama in my life until I became a mother-in-law. I also would like to believe that I was an exceptional mother-in-law but I guess that's not the case here. my daughter-in-law will simply, never, ever understand me. the true key to our relationship was through the grandchildren.
I heard the kids playing downstairs today and realized that they were still home. they have been wisped out of the house every morning for over a month. I called the daughter-in-law to ask permission to enter the downstairs apartment to see my grandkids. I knocked on the door but no one answered so I used the now 'forbidden' controversial stairwell between our floors. I wanted to take them out to the park for a bit but the aunt/babysitter didn't let me. she used to physically pull the baby out of my arms. I watched the end of a kids' movie with them and sat outside for a bit as they played in the pool. I don't want them to forget their English.
after less than an hour downstairs, I had had enough. my granddaughter actually came upstairs to play with her play mobile toys for a while until she was summoned back downstairs. something has changed. I have lost the capability to deal with the kids. I have no patience anymore. I enjoy being able to have adult conversations now. my grandson told me that he would miss me when he lives in a new house. he said that his dad told him that when he comes to visit me I will make an arts and crafts afterschool program for him and his sister. who's kidding who?
I have always taken the kids to the playground for a while to let off steam. it has been too hot this summer for that but I always let them play outside on their buggies. I never had any patience for arts and crafts but I always let them draw. I always had reams of paper for them and all kinds of crayons and markers and pens. why should their visits after they move out be any different? I guess that's how parents deal with the children after a divorce. and this is definitely a divorce.
it's funny how I didn't feel tragic today. the babysitter aunt is still downstairs. I am upstairs in my jammies blogging and getting ready to watch some television. I am tired, never the less. it is still warm outside and very humid. I feel like a schemata. I ran to the supermarket to return my son's beer bottles. I always took the kids with me to teach them about recycling and to give them some income. if we collected bottles and cans along the way I bought them treats with the returns money. it drove the daughter-in-law crazy. when she would find the dirty cans in the kids' knapsacks she'd freak out. she shut down our little enterprise pretty fast.
when I first moved to the neighborhood, around 16 years ago; I used to collect empty bottles and cans along the roadside. that was my Friday afternoon mitzvah. I was cleaning up the environment. that was before they passed a law to refund deposits on beer bottles and soft drinks. the Ethiopians have been making a bit of income for years. I returned 67 bottles today and got $12. that would have paid for the kids' favorite kinder chocolate eggs with the toys inside. oh well...