Changing

it is 8:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I am much calmer today.  yesterday, I think I spent 8 hours on the phone with all of my best friends.  I was definitely 'ranting zelda'.  I felt so awful and bitter.  the day before I kept busy by helping someone through the medical and social system's bureaucracy process.  it was a truly exhausting day.  I did feel good about myself and my future for a few hours.  I was manic.  I couldn't sleep that night.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  I forgot to drink yesterday.  I was so busy ranting that I didn't take a break to have a drink.  I did eat quite a bit and even had some of the tiramisu dessert that I had made on Friday.  it was yummy and the taste of whiskey was divine.  I didn't use wine this time because we traditionally don't drink wine or grape juice during the nine days before the fast of tisha b'av.  this is a time of mourning for the Jewish people.  historically, both temples were destroyed.

at around 11:00 p.m. I ran in the kitchen to pour myself a tall glass of chocolate milk. I also ate a handful of grapes.  I had an immediate stomach attack and spent a few hours in the toilet.  I'm sure I was dehydrated.  I tried to drink a couple of glasses of water.  I truly felt ill last night.  I fell asleep with the television on.  I woke up and couldn't stand up.  I went back to sleep until almost noon.  I had planned to go to town to see my friend.  we ended up on the phone for hours.

 my good friend and psychic twin sister, sent me a nice amount of money to show her support.  my friends do love me.  I'd like to believe that I have been a true and loyal friend throughout my life.  I have never had so much drama in my life until I became a mother-in-law.  I also would like to believe that I was an exceptional mother-in-law but I guess that's not the case here.  my daughter-in-law will simply, never, ever understand me.  the true key to our relationship was through the grandchildren.

I heard the kids playing downstairs today and realized that they were still home.  they have been wisped out of the house every morning for over a month.  I called the daughter-in-law to ask permission to enter the downstairs apartment to see my grandkids.  I knocked on the door but no one answered so I used the now 'forbidden' controversial stairwell between our floors.  I wanted to take them out to the park for a bit but the aunt/babysitter didn't let me.  she used to physically pull the baby out of my arms.  I watched the end of a kids' movie with them and sat outside for a bit as they played in the pool.  I don't want them to forget their English.

after less than an hour downstairs, I had had enough.  my granddaughter actually came upstairs to play with her play mobile toys for a while until she was summoned back downstairs.  something has changed.  I have lost the capability to deal with the kids.  I have no patience anymore.  I enjoy being able to have adult conversations now.  my grandson told me that he would miss me when he lives in a new house.  he said that his dad told him that when he comes to visit me I will make an arts and crafts afterschool program for him and his sister.   who's kidding who?

I have always taken the kids to the playground for a while to let off steam.  it has been too hot this summer for that but I always let them play outside on their buggies.  I never had any patience for arts and crafts but I always let them draw.  I always had reams of paper for them and all kinds of crayons and markers and pens.  why should their visits after they move out be any different?  I guess that's how parents deal with the children after a divorce.  and this is definitely a divorce.

it's funny how I didn't feel tragic today.  the babysitter aunt is still downstairs.  I am upstairs in my jammies blogging and getting ready to watch some television.  I am tired, never the less.  it is still warm outside and very humid.  I feel like a schemata.  I ran to the supermarket to return my son's beer bottles.  I always took the kids with me to teach them about recycling and to give them some income.  if we collected bottles and cans along the way I bought them treats with the returns money.  it drove the daughter-in-law crazy.  when she would find the dirty cans in the kids' knapsacks she'd freak out.  she shut down our little enterprise pretty fast.

when I first moved to the neighborhood, around 16 years ago; I used to collect empty bottles and cans along the roadside.  that was my Friday afternoon mitzvah.  I was cleaning up the environment.  that was before they passed a law to refund deposits on beer bottles and soft drinks.  the Ethiopians have been making a bit of income for years.  I returned 67 bottles today and got $12.  that would have paid for the kids' favorite  kinder chocolate eggs with the toys inside. oh well...