it is 6:00 p.m. in the hoy city of zefat. it is hard to believe that the schools already end tomorrow. my grandchildren are still not signed up for day camp. I am actually going on a job interview tomorrow. it is a part time office position. I am truly not up for it but I am going to see it through. I haven't worked in an office in over a decade and I am not truly computer literate.
I can email and blog. that's about it. I once worked on word and excel but that was a long time ago. for the past 15 years I worked as a caregiver. I took care of both of my parents until their deaths and then raised my grandson for two years. I was finally out of the house after ten years and got a job cooking in a yeshiva. that was nearly 3 years ago. I got cervical cancer and I underwent the traditional treatment. I survived. it's been a long haul and I'm still not back to myself. I am cancer free and just turned 64. I have turned myself into a virtual shut in.
I hardly ever go to town. I leave town 2-3 times a year to go to a hospital in tel aviv. I hardly get dressed. I spend almost every afternoon with my grandchildren. I get to visit a friend in the neighborhood once a week. I spend most of my time in bed watching reality shows. I don't read the news. I never check my bank balance or pick up my mail. I recently got into a real financial pickle. I had to beg friends and family members to bail me out. I have made some really disastrous financial mistakes since my mom passed away 6 years ago.
I have pretty much hit rock bottom financially. unfortunately, I am in good company here. these are supposed to be the golden years, right? my brother, the psychologist, wired me a few bucks and then launched into a rather long motivational speech about making tough choices. the biggie is getting my son to pay me rent. that's a huge one. another one is to go back into public housing. that ship left the port years ago. I have been struggling to hold onto my house for the past 6 years. is it wrong to want to remain in one's own home of 15 years. is it unreasonable to want to keep one's home for the future?
I was admonished for making Shabbat meals every week when I cannot really afford to. I have sold all of my gold jewelry and taken out bank loans to pay for Pessach and Rosh Hashanna food expenses. I get it. I can not take out any more loans. I can not write out any more supermarket checks, either. the kids must contribute. they must supply some food some of the time. it is a harsh reality not to be able to feed your loved ones. so I am going to look for a part time job. I will probably earn enough money to buy some food for Shabbat. whoopee!
this is the age when a lot of people retire. this is not the age that people return to the work field. it isn't the age to babysit grandchildren every day either. I blew my inheritance on the kids. I cannot get an income from the downstairs apartment because the kids are living there rent free. they had a failed business venture which left them financially crippled, which in turn, left me financially crippled. it is truly a vicious cycle. I am an enabler. I know it. everyone tells me that I'm a fool.
my brother's message was to take care of zelda. I don't know what that means. I have been the caregiver for many years. I have never been a recipient of that care giving. I don't know how to take care of myself. I haven't bought a thing for myself in many years. I don't buy new clothes because I have gained a ton of weight. I have gained a lot of weight because I am so frustrated about the financial situation. I was so happy when I worked in the yeshiva. I was treated with so much respect. the young men there, unlike my own son, wanted to engage me in conversation. I was a caregiver once again, but everyone appreciated me. here I am treated as a live in servant.
even the little kids boss me around. I have a lot of hard choices to make. if I get the job, the daughter-in-law will have to find daycare help for the kids. she is quite willing to pay a stranger to watch the kids but compensating me for my time is anathema to her. the times they are a changing!! I will have to leave the house a few times a week. right now I go to town once a month and sometimes less. we will just have to see what happens tomorrow. hopefully, she'll get the kids into a day camp tomorrow and i'll get a new job. stranger things have happened.