it is 5:45 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i got up at about 4:00 a.m and watched a bit of television. it's all retread. i am still tired but am in too much discomfort to sleep. it's the back. i have a constant nagging nerve type pain on my right side which makes lying down hard. i think i must have fallen asleep early last night. i seem to have chronic fatigue again. it's a struggle to function at all.
the big kids are going through 'something' and it's not easy being in the middle of a storm. the little kids are as rambunctious as ever. the daughter-in-law started another new job yesterday and i got the kids for a few hours. both big kids came home early and were sober enough. i feel sick to my stomach all the time. i have lost my shape. i have a huge stomach now that seems to be getting larger all the time. maybe it's an hysterical pregnancy, who knows?
i can't seem to be able to find a comfortable position to lie in or even sit in. the pain is really wearing me down. i am nauseated all the time. shavuot is on tuesday night. i tried to arrange to be together with a couple of friends but it didn't work out. one gal pal of mine wants to have a quiet chag. i offered to have her and hubby over for lunch but it was a no go. another friend doesn't really have a place to be but i didn't want to bother to cook for just the two of us. i also didn't want to be alone with the same person for 48 hours. does that make me a bad person?
i think about the past a lot. i used to have a full house and of course, i did a lot of cooking. i used to make quiches, kugels, eggplant parmesan, lasagnas, blintzes and of course cheesecake every shavuot. it was a non stop food fest. i had ladies coming over and we would read the megillas ruth and carry on until the wee hours of the night, all the while eating cheesecake and ice cream and drinking tons of coffee. i haven't had a cup of coffee in nearly two years now. the smell nauseates me. i remember a time that i didn't trust anyone who didn't drink coffee. my ex husband was a tea drinker. need i say any more?
the shavuot late night ladies get together stopped as soon as i moved away from town. it's too much of a trek to get up here from town. i get so nostalgic every time a holiday comes around. i am invited to the sephardi clan for shavuot. i may sleep out. that means leaving the dogs alone for a day.. the daughter-in-law wants me to make a cheesecake and a lasagna. the price of lasagna noodles is sky high, not to mention, the price of dairy these days. i have some cannoloni noodles in the closet. it's a bit more work than making the lasagna, but i guess, it's more or less, the same ingredients. i have to get myself to town to pick up my new checkbooks and get to a supermarket down town to shop for dairy. i actually need a lot more than dairy. i am all out of toilet paper, shampoo, aluminum foil, tea, oil, sugar, napkins, grape juice, dish washing soap and probably a lot more stuff.
i have been fantasizing about getting up and out and going to a shul in town at 5:00 a.m.ish to hear the ten commandments on wednesday morning. i did it once in my life. i have to say the memorial prayer for deceased parents and if i don't make it to town, there is a chabad shul near the clan's home that i can go to at 10:00 a.m. i guess the dogs will survive being alone. it's not like they don't make in the house every day, anyway..
the pain and the fatigue and the heat are keeping me down. i feel drugged all the time. i haven't taken any pain pills at all but i'm really out of it. throw in some psycho drama to the mix and i'm finished. shabbat was a bummer. i did a lot of cooking and no one ate any lunch. i even made a cake in the shape of the ten commandments, which hardly got touched. i am tired of making shabbat meals. my bank account is depleted as well as my strength.. i need to shop in a store where i can write post dated checks. i'm thinking september. i don't know if i have cab fare to get home or not. i am definitely not having fun right now. chag sameach!