it's 1:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. sahar is napping so i decided to blog. it's been some time. i've been taking care of sahar a lot lately. i know that i went slightly mad while the kids were in eilat. i wanted equal custody of sahar.
since they came back. i've been saddled with taking care of sahar. no discussion, as usual. i think there are some issues with the family dynamics, which i'm not privy to. i guess it's for the best. i really don't want to be a part of the situation. i just want to support them lovingly and help them out when i can.
i was having terrible thoughts and fantasies, of a custody battle with the in - laws. it disturbed me greatly, even imagining, the unimaginable. as hard as i tried, i couldn't shake these horrific thoughts. i am a medium, in the sense that i receive thoughts. i pick up on troubling events, too. i was picking up on the kid's current marrital crisis. being a drama queen, i over react all the time.
we are in the midst of the 3 weeks of mourning for the destruction of the holy temples. this is an historically unlucky time for the jews. we must take special care during this time. yesterday, my grandson ran into the street and was nearly hit by a car. we had a miracle. the car stopped before inpact. it wasn't on my watch. i worry all the time that something might happen while he is my care.
we must simply trust that Hashem is watching over us. we cannot become paralyzed by fear of the 'what if'. however, we must be vigil and not careless. with this kid it is not an easy feat. he is all over the place, all the time. he is always getting into trouble. this morning he was putting his fingers into the fan. thank goodness it wasn't on but it was plugged in. he is always trying to insert metal objects into the electrical outlets.
in a blink of an eye, he's on another foor. i have to keep all of the doors locked all of the time. besides grabbing for crayons and markers which are not dangerous, he finds sharp objects like japanese knives. he stands on his tippy toes and reaches the counter. i am running out of room to hide things from him. he is aggressive with the dogs and throws objects at them. he head - budded me this morning on my eyebrow. he threw himself down on the couch and hurt his cheek.
i was hit by a virus yesterday and could barely stand on my feet. i actually retched up some bile. i couldn't eat or drink. i finally was able to get some water down. the girls came over to swim and i opened the door for them and then went back to sleep. i slept all day and most of the evening. at 11:00 p.m. i felt a bit hungry. i had some melon. i went back to sleep.
i woke up feeling better. yesterday morning, when sahar came up at 7:00 a.m. it took all of my strength to get him a bottle. i was so sore and achey. i was a bit panicked that the kids were going to leave him with me. they didn't and i was relieved. i never thought that something bad might happen.
oh it is so peaceful while he sleeps! please grant me the strength to care for him!