it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed. we have another half hour left of the fast of the ninth of av. this is the culmination of the 3 weeks of our mourning the loss of our holy temples. during the past nine days, we refrained from hearing live music, having haircuts, wearing freshly laundered clothes, planting trees, eating meat, drinking wine, doing laundry and travelling and bathing for pleasure. i didn't go to the pool. we have been stuck with 95 degree heat throughout. i have been too hot to function. i couldn't blog. i stayed in bed all week long and didn't leave my house until around 8:00 p.m. for my walk. i did go to synagogue on shabbat to cool off. i do not have airconditioners on my floor. luckily today, the heat was down to 93. i still spent the day in bed. the fast started last night at 7:40 p.m. i went over to the local sephardi synagogue to hear the megillah of lamentations. i haven't gone in years.
it was the third anniversary of my sister.s death. i have been dreading it. i went to the cemetery. it was dangerously hot. i found a broken chair and curled up against he wall and read psalms. we were estranged when she took ill. the severity of it was kept from me and my other sibblings. i wasn't told anything until she was terminal. i found out she had died hours after the fact. i haven't spoken with her kids since the funeral. it is a very sad state of affairs. i used to go to her grave to emote; to beseach her and beg for answers. i would actually scream. i decided not to go to her grave any more. yesterday, i washed her grave and lit a candle. i didn't scream but i cried out loud. i kissed her grave and hugged her.
our parents are also buried there. i did not think that i had the stamina in this heat to go yesterday. i think i was driven. i took a taxi because i wasn't up to the two bus journey. it's pretty close. the city of safed is pretty small. its not a huge journey like in the states. i used to walk there. it's quite beautiful there and very meditative and serene. we also have the tsadickim, the holy masters; buried in another section. and there is another section for the fallen soldiers. it was a very difficult time for me yesterday. i did get a glimpse of her adult children. one of my neices and i got caught up and i got to see a few of my grandneices, my sister's grandchildren.
i left them to say kaddish, the traditional mourners' prayer and i walked down to my parents' graves. i didn't stay long. i simply, kissed their stones. so weird. that's what i have left of them. they each died at 91 so they had good lives. i caught the 2 busses home and started to prepare food. i made some tuna fillets and spelt pasta, baked sweet potatoes and white potatoes, made red lentil and veggie soup and unroasted buckwheat grains. i have plenty to eat. i am not sure if i can shower tonight or if i am still bound by the rules of the day.
in the past i would watch holocaust rememberances to keep with the spirit of true mourning but nowadays ; i am involved on this day of true mouning for my sibbling. the ache doesn't go away. it is always there. i thought that when i lost my parents i was truly devastated. it cannot come close to the devastation of losing a sibbling of 65 years. the time of mourning and our fast has officially come to an end. hopefully, tomorrow i will go back to the pool. i will catch up on laundry and get ready for shabbat. i am hoping to have some guests in august.
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