All By Myself

it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i have been listening to cello music by Hauser all day.  i am a great fan of his.  i discovered him recently while i was mourning for the loss of my baby sister.  i searched the net for sad music.  his adagio by albinoni does the trick.  i posted several versions of this on my facebook page.  i love the lara fabian vocal.  it speaks to me.  i recently installed a facebook page.  it enables me to see pix of my family.  people don't send pix to individuals anymore.

 it was actually, quite cool in my house today.  i ran to the bedroom for a light jacket.  it was much warmer outside.  i washed a bunch of clothes in the bathroom tub.  i didn't want to go downstairs.  they are doing a lot of drilling.  i think closets are getting assembled.  my in-laws are moving in for the winter.  they have been searching for a new home for months.  they just haven't been successful in finding a large enough apartment without steps.  they want a four bedroom apartment.  the prices have gone sky high in safed.  they are asking amounts comparable to rentals in Jerusalem.

they are rearranging the downstairs apartment to fit their needs; finally.  if there was a half decent kitchen downstairs; they could move in permanently.  i have truly benefitted by having them downstairs during the corona and mourning period.  they kept me sane.  they listened patiently to me while i ranted for days on end.  and they fed me.  i am their shabbat and holiday guest almost every week.  their single adult daughter took the upstairs studio apartment as hers recently.  no one has used the space in years.

i thought that i could rent it to a nice single lady or medical student.  it just never happened and with corona; it won't happen for a long while.  they have adjusted to listening to my dogs bark at all hours which is no small feat.  the dogs have adjusted to the family downstairs, too.  i can't believe tomorrow is shabbat once again.  i just went to the local supermarket to buy some veggies.  i want to stay up here for shabbat.  i have a book to read and i want to be by myself.  i spent the entire holiday with the family and i need my peace and quiet now.

i will make a chicken soup and have the rest for the pre yom kippur fast meal on sunday.  i will also make two salmon fillets.  i will probably make rice or quinoa as the side dish.  i bought prepared beets and a small lettuce.  it will be simple.  yom kippur is supposed to be very hot.  the government is trying to shut down all praying in groups completely.  how will i get through yom kippur without hearing the traditional 'kol nidre' prayer at night.  rosh hashana was a bit of a bust and now this......

next shabbat is the beginning of the holiday of sukkot.  that is fine.  we eat and drink wine and sit in our outside huts.  it is a joyous time.  the family has already put up most of the sukkah.  it is massive.  there is usually around 20 or more people inside the sukkah.  i usually put up a small 2x2 meter sukkah.  it tends to shift with the wind.  it nearly flew away a few years ago.  it is nice not having to bother with it this year.  i have a vast collection of plastic fruit that i string up every year.  what a pleasure not having to bother this year.  i can add this to the long list of things that i no longer have the patience to do.

actually, there is very little that i bother with these days.  i have been barely cooking.  when i do it's a one pot wonder.  i do not have the patience to make a variety of food.  yesterday, i took prepared hamburgers and potted them with a can of crushed tomatoes and spices and threw in red lentils and a can of white beans.  that's what i do these days.  this morning i had a toasted roll with a drizzle of peanut butter and honey.  i just had an early dinner.  i made a tuna salad.  i added coarsely grated carrots, an apple, some baby spinach leaves, some lettuce and cooked beets.  i generously splashed  apple cider vinegar and added a bit of mayonnaise.

I've pretty much had it with this corona thing.  i try not reading about it anymore.  i stay away from crowds.  i keep mostly to myself.  i do visit my friend on the next block.  i went to the local supermarket before because i was bored.  i could have gotten through shabbat without veggies.  i could always borrow from downstairs.  i wanted to go out.  i wanted to check out the sales.  there were very few  people in the store today.  i guess they all go tomorrow.  i stopped in before the holiday and had to go out immediately because there were so many people there.  i have a few more things to wash and hang out to dry.

i think i'll wash all the floors tomorrow.  i usually go down to the cemetery to visit the graves of my parents before yom kippur.  if i had a ride i would feel easier about going.  i would have to take 2 busses tomorrow and i don't think i am up to that.  we are still in lockdown even though i haven't seen any police cars up here when i walk the dogs.  oh, everything is so different this year.  less and less people are wearing masks.  we elders have to protect oursleves.

A Month Later

it is midnight in the holy city of safed.  it has been nearly a month since i posted my last blog.  i simply could not function because of the heat wave.  i do not have air conditioning in my house.  there is a large unit upstairs but i didn't make it up the stairs.  the apartment was trashed and filthy and i couldn't cope with cleaning it up.  there is also, no bed upstairs.  the balcony was covered in pigeon poo, too.  one of the daughter-in-law's sisters transformed it into a beautiful studio.  she washed the wooden floor, painted the walls white and cleaned up the bird poo.  she also declared the upstairs hers.

it was too hot to go shopping and too hot to go walking.  it was too hot to cook and bake.  it was well over 100 degrees.  at one point it made it to nearly 110.  i only took the dogs out twice a day.  they couldn't cope with the heat.  we would go out at 6:00 a.m. and then at midnight.  the house was a sauna.  i was dizzy almost every day.  i spent many hours lying in bed and watching television.  it was too hot to visit my friends.  it was too hot to do laundry.  it was too hot to clean the house.  it was too hot to dust.  it was too hot to be in clothes.  it was too hot to read.

i kept wetting my head and my hair covering.  i took a cold shower about three times a day.  i even wet my pillows.  i also wet the dogs and gave the male dog a bubble bath.  it was nearly impossible.  just when i thought i couldn't take one more day of heat, it cooled down a bit.  of course, it got right back up there again.  the new year holiday was bearable.  we had cool breezes at night.  they are now predicting a heat wave for yom kippur.  it is nearly always hot on yom kippur. 

we had a minor fast day yesterday.  it was from 5:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m.  it was pretty hot during the day.  i started my nightly fast at 8:30 p.m. so i ended up fasting for nearly 23 hours.  i had a sore throat and wanted to drink something hot.  i stayed in bed.  i felt dizzy.  i watched cooking shows all day long.  i was living vicariously.  i remember not being able to watch commercials years ago while i was fasting.  if i saw food i was miserable.  yesterday; watching all of that food nourished and sustained me.

i broke my fast with yogurt and fruit.  i was hungry today.  i had another yogurt with fruit and a mix of nuts and seeds.  i then made chicken wings and rice and had an early lunch.  i had another fruit and called it a day.  i was hungry in the evening and had a toasted roll.  i haven't had much exercise this month.  we are currently in a lockdown but it doesn't feel like one.  I stocked up on food before the holiday because i didn't want to go shopping this week.  it is hot during the day but gorgeous and cool at night.

the rosh hashana holiday was very strange this year.  i went to the local Sephardic synagogue to hear the shofar blasts.  i ventured into the ladies' section.  it was the first time since pesach.  there were only 3 ladies there.  i couldn't breathe in my mask.  it wasn't cool.  they only had fans running.  i felt a panic attack coming on so i fled.  just as i left the early service was blowing the shofar.  i went back home.

it just didn't feel like rosh Hashanah.  it fell on the sabbath this year.  it didn't feel like the sabbath; either.  i prayed at home.  it took me about two hours to finish the morning service.  when i read the prayer about who will live and who will die, i thought about my sister.  she died recently and i started to cry.  i hadn't really thought about her in a little while.  the truth is that i was overwhelmed by her death. i went into a dark place and had to crawl myself out of said place.  my friends were all worried about me.  i didn't think i could ever feel anything except pain. i was surprised to feel happy again even it was fleeting.

i spent the entire shabbat and holiday with my sephardi in-laws and their family.  my son and family couldn't make it to safed.  i heard; very last minute; that my grandson had been feverish for a few days.  my daughter-in-law desperately wanted to be with her family for the holiday.  my son did not.  he wanted to be at home with his family for the holiday.  i was beginning to get sad that the grandkids weren't coming until i heard that the grandson was ill.  i was relieved that they stayed where they were; in the end.  the much younger sephardi grandma; was very disappointed that they stayed home.  what type of new reality are we living?