Monday, November 7, 2016

Saying Goodbye

it is 6:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  I got back from the cemetery a little while ago.  the gravestone for our beloved friend, who passed on last Monday night, was set.  the funeral was on Tuesday afternoon.  I can't remember hugging so many women at one time.  I have been somewhat of a hermit for many years.  I got to see a lot of these women when they came to visit our friend at the home.  now that she is gone I probably, won't be seeing these ladies very much, anymore. 

on Monday afternoon I went to pay my water bill.  it was huge.  it covered the time we put up the pool.  my son participated in the payment, which was an improvement.  I dropped in to the home to see my friend.  I had heard from others that she was on her way out of this world.  I hadn't seen her in about two weeks.  I didn't think I could face seeing her die.  as I passed the home, I realized that I needed to see her.  she was sleeping when I came and I chose not to disturb her.  she passed on at 9:00 p.m. that night.

I got to see my sister twice.  we haven't met in nearly two years.  we both stopped off at our parents' graves today and travelled back to town together.  it reminded me of how happy I was when she used to visit me in oncology.  we had quality time together.  since I've recovered, we just don't make time for each other anymore.  perhaps, she will accompany me to my brain surgery soon.  I don't want to go alone.  I don't know if I want my son and daughter-in-law to take me.

our CoDa group is turning into a R.A group.  it is very frustrating.  I've only gone to 4 meetings and now we've switched to a different 'fellowship', as they refer to it.  it is a lot of mumble jumble rhetoric.right now.  after a month, I have not gotten even a tiny grasp on how to proceed with codependent behavior addiction.  it is dragging me down.  the good news, is that my son and wife and I are on good terms right now.

I do help them with the kids from time to time; but I am no longer solely responsible for their after school care.  it is feeling more normal.  I am less stressed out and I am less fearful.  I still do not sleep well.  I'm sure it has something to do with our turning the clocks back.  I am back to watching what I eat.  I have become huge.  I do not feel great.  I do not want another diet.  I eat what I like but I am not binging right now.  I need to be more active.

tomorrow I am going to the oncology department at the local hospital with my good friends.  my friend's husband will be starting radiation soon.  Been there and done that!  it has been 5 years since my diagnosis.  now, I go with my friends for their initial appointments.  I'm like the ambassador of cancer.  i would like to become a volunteer one day but I have enough on my plate right now with my upcoming brain surgery.

I was invited by the kids for Shabbat dinner on Friday night.  it was my second time to their new apartment.  the little ones were hyper and their parents were tired.  it went well.  I wasn't put off by the kids being wild.  it is not my problem.  I do not feel shame and I do not accept blame, either.  I enjoyed being with them and I felt honored that I was invited to their home.  people are tired.  the kids work hard.  it has nothing to do with me.  it is not a reflection on me.  zelda, is no longer playing G-d.   everyone is capable of managing without my help.

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