it is 11:30 a.m in the holy city of zefat. my plan to save the jewish nation and achieve world peace is harder than i thought. my plan entails shedding all negativity from my thoughts and actions. i want to let go of all past hurts that were real or imagined. i want to not judge people and i want to shed the feeling of being judged by everyone else. this includes my feelings towards my family and that is where i trip up.
i haven't seen my sister's kids and grand kids in nearly a month. my nephew has been here for about a month and i never heard a word form him. they are all planning on returning to india and n.y. this week and i want to see them. i am the one who was sick with cancer last year and i am the one who is currently suffering with chronic sciatic pain and stiffness. i can't reconcile the fact that none of the family will make an effort to come over to visit with me. if my kids didn't live downstairs, i doubt that they would come over either. what does that say about me???
i inherited my parents' home when my mom passed on about 6 years ago. my sister refused to set foot in my house and for 5 years she didn't. i thought that after i survived cancer we were through with the past anguish over the house. my sister and two of her daughters came over for my surprise birthday party last year. that was the last time anyone entered my home. i visited my sister during chanukah and that's when the sciatic condition started. i spent months in bed. i had trouble walking or even bending. i didn't see my siter until i went over to her place at pesach. that was the last time i saw her until recently. we live in the same town and a 5 minute drive away.
my nephew was here in zefat and no one here let me know. i didn't make it to the family wedding last year and he was a no show for the sheva bracha at my house. i haven't seen him in a few years. what does that say about me?? i heard form my sister in california that my nephew was here. she only knew because she booked his ticket. i thought that my sister needed some time to enjoy her reunion with all her kids so i stayed away. by the time i called to speak to my nephew he was in europe. he returned last week but i wasn't up to visiting him. i only know that he was back because i asked my sister when he was returning. he has a rental car and i don't, for the life of me, understand why he didn't just drop by or call. my sister in california told me that he promised to visit me when he was here. i guess i just waited for godot.
my daughter-in-law ran into my sister at the supermarket. my sister wanted to know why my son hasn't gone over to them to visit my nephew. my son wants to know why his cousin hasn't called to say he's in town. it's all so stupid and yet it's all i think about. my niece asked me if she could come by to pick up some things i've stored for her. i've waited weeks for her to call and plan a time. my sister told me before shabbat that my niece wanted to come over. i told my sister to let my niece know that today would be a good time for her and the kids to visit. we put up the pool before shabbat. i invited them for a meal, too. i even let her know that my daughter-in-law would pick them up. i sensed some hesitation from my sister.
my sister was pressured before shabbat and told me to tell my niece, myself. the only problem is that i don't have any contact numbers besides my sister's to get in touch with anyone in the family. i sent an email first thing today. i haven't heard from anyone. what am i supposed to think?? how can i not have negative thoughts? i am trying hard not to feel slighted. i am trying hard not to judge my sister's motives. i am trying hard to stay positive. i am trying to save the jewish nation and my sanity.
the grand kids were running a muck during shabbat. i had them all day long on friday but they had television and sugary drinks and snacks to keep them happy. they were insufferable on saturday. their parents were too hot and too tired to deal with these kids. i was reading psalms and wasn't on my care giver schedule. the little kids cracked up. they were turning belligerent and violent and so were their parents, the big kids. i lost my battle with world peace. i couldn't even attain a little peace in my little abode in the middle east. i couldn't stop myself from judging my son and letting him know that i thought he sucked as a parent. oh well..... he couldn't be bothered to refrain from letting me know that i also sucked as a parent.
we had a sewage overflow problem over shabbat. thankfully, it wasn't on our property but on the steps along side the house. my son let me know that the neighbor said to call the water company. i called the water company first thing this morning. my son was too busy to be bothered. it was hard for me not to judge him or to think negative thoughts about him. the workman came over and i hope the problem is solved. how do i stop myself from resenting my son's lack of participation in the running of the house? how do i stop myself from judging myself for raising a less than responsible son? after all, at any minute the katushas can start dropping in my city. how do i stay positive and not have negative thoughts? the fate of our people is in my hands.
i had a lovely rap with my gardener this morning. he is really under pressure and has to move house next week. now that's real pressure. i have it far easier. i'm not going anywhere for now. i just have this situation with my family right now that is bugging the heck out of me. i also spent over an hour rapping with a gal pal about our problems with anger. the pool is full and i'm sitting up here in the hot house. what is wrong with me? why don't i just find a shmatta to cover up and just take a dunk and cool off? even my grandson doesn't want to jump in the pool with me. what does that say about me?????