it is almost 8:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i was already awakened this morning by my grandson. he asked for chocolate milk, right off the bat. i had gotten up at about 5:00 a.m with stomach pains. i took a pill. i travelled to tel aviv yesterday by myself. that little inner voice let me know that i was in for some not great news. i didn't want to break down in front of my sister.
i don't know how i always hear these things before they occur, but i do. i have always been a bit psychic. i was asked once, by a 'healy feely' healer if i was a medium. i answered that i was a size large. but truthfully, i have always been sensitive to suggestions and other peoples' feelings. i have always had very strong intuition and hunches.
anyway, the doctor gave me a cancer free diagnosis. praise the Lord!!! i had heard the words, "sorry to have to tell you this" before i entered his office. he shared the diagrams of the pet scan with me and everything seemed to be going my way. suddenly as he read the written report, i heard those same words. he was sorry to have to tell me that they had found a benign tumor on my skull. it seems to be pre- existing the cancer treatment. the first hospital completely missed it in december. the next thing i was being told, was to schedule an MRI and appointment with a neurosurgeon. i cracked up. i couldn't stop crying.
the doctor did an internal exam with another female gyn. she couldn't understand why i was sad. i had just been given such great news. my cancer was gone. why was i crying. all i could imagine was my head being sawed open. i imagined the very claustrophobic chamber of the MRI and i already couldn't breathe. i imagined my head covered in sterile bandages. i already was imagining the worst scenario. would i be left a vegetable? who would take care of me if i was a drooling old lady in a wheelchair.
i don't have enough strength to rejoice in my good news. i am overwhelmed by the thought of going back to tel aviv to do, yet, another invasive test. the thought of surgery sends me to the moon. i am a coward. i can't cope anymore. i still have not recovered form the radiation. i still cannot enjoy a nice stroll down the lane. i am housebound. i have stomach pain and i am seriously, constipated for the first time in my life. i don't have a life. i am a walking list of complaints.
i told my grandson that the doctor told me that i wasn't sick anymore. i mentioned that i had a 'boo-boo''in my head. he whispered in my ear that i should have a full recovery, in hebrew. i can imagine coming home after surgery fully bandaged. i can imagine having pretty strong headaches, too. i am now anxiously waiting to have a seizure or something. i am scared out of mind. more scared than i was, even when i had cancer. i don't know why i am taking this so hard. i am just exhausted.
i still have to get dressed and get downtown to see my doctor. i don't have an appointment. i don't care. i haven't seen him since i went away to do the radiation. the last thing he said to me was that bad things do happen at good hospitals. he told me that i was searching for angel, when i told him that i was going to do all my treatment at tel hashomer in tel aviv. he told me that angels didn't exist. i definitely, found a couple of angels there. i'm hoping that the neurosurgeon will be another angel for me, too.