it is nearly 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. my grandson is in the next room watching 'dora' on nick jr. i didn't pick him up from daycare this afternoon. i was feeling really ill this morning and told the kids that i wasn't available. i actually, told my son that i was sick. i've regressed. i simply cannot say that i am not available without giving an excuse.
i picked up sahar at noon on friday. luckily, i got a lift right to the daycare. he was with me until nearly 7:00 p.m. candlelighting was at 7:20 p.m. i was busy doing laundry all morning long. i finished washing the floors at 11:00 a.m. i was already feeling under the weather, by then. i kept on throwing in loads of laundry until right up to candlelighting.
i called the kids to pick up their son at around 5:30 p.m. my daughter-in-law was at home all morning. she was with the baby and busy making shabbat meals for the three of them. i was on my own, as usual, of late. i didn't get a chance to make a cake. i took sahar with me to the local supermarket but i had to carry him there. he was exhausted. he was nearly falling asleep in my arms.
i quickly bought a few pitas and rolls, a bag of milk, some cans of tuna, half a watermelon, and a package of delicatessan. sahar had a roll and some chocolate pudding before he took his nap. i had to call a cab to take us home. he was very tired and very crabby. he started having a fit in the super because i didn't buy him candy. i was ready to leave him there alone.
when we got back, he had a fit, because he didn't like the teaspoons i had. i offered him about 10 different ones. he couldn't get a handle on the pudding. i took the pudding out of his hands and added milk and let him drink it as a chocolate shake, with a straw. he had 2 of these drinks, and a package of chicken deli. while he napped, i hung out more laundry downstairs.
i was completely exhausted by the time they came to pick him up. i took a shower and lit my candles and went off to the local chabad bomb shelter/synagogoue. i spastically, coughed, all through the service. i was bummed out. neither kid wished me a 'shabbat shalom'. sahar had his usual fit in their car. after 7 hours with safta zelda, he doesn't make the transition very well back to his home. i get the wrath of the kids. i never get a thank you. it puts me in a bad mood.
i woke up on saturday coughing. i felt like heck. i couldn't make it to services. i had some coffee and i wanted a cookie or a piece of cake. i was too miserable to bother a neighbor for some. i ate icecream cones sans the icecream. i used to give them to sahar when he was a toddler. the watermelon was rotten. i was too 'heady' to daven. i read a book about a woman's miraculous survivial from nazi poland. a friend form the neighborhood, came by to visit. i felt terrible. i had nothing to offer her. no almonds, fruit, or cake. that was a first for me. all i had was tuna fish and pitas. she wasn't ready to have lunch.
after she left, i fell asleep for a little while. i finished my book and davened at around 3:00 p.m. i then made kiddush on wine and had a tuna sandwich. what a shabbat meal! i bentched and went back to sleep. my throat was very sore. i was miserable. i didn't have the energy to leave the house. i let the dogs outside in the garden. i was very upset about erev shabbat. all the resentment of the last few months, seemed to come up in my mind, again.
i know i went backwards a bit. i got too involved ih helping my daughter-in-law again. i started feeling like a dish rag again. i decided to pull in the reins again. i cancelled babysitting today. i was at the bus stop at 3:00 p.m. when i got spotted by my daughter-in-law. i felt like i got caught in a lie. i wasn't so sick to miss work, but here i was, outside in the world. i got enlisted and didn't have the strength to refuse. i took the bus to my son's house and here i am, with my grandson, instead of resting in my bed. soon i bathe him and get him ready for sleep.
i got paid today. a whole $500 for cooking 3 meals a day, 5 days a week. it came out to $4 an hour. what kind of fool am i?????