it is noon in the holy city of zefat. the cable guy is here putting in a line in the upstairs apartment for internet. my daughter in law's sister, who is supposedly, only staying for 2 months, is having cables put in my house. no one mentioned anything about this to me. but then, no one is talking to me at the moment. then again, before the official 'freeze out' no one mentioned that this girl was actually coming here to live.
i am in the process of asking my son and his family to move out. i am sick about this. i am not normal. who leaves herself without funds to give everything to the kids. my mom left me the house before she died, at the ripe old age of 91. she didn't give me all of her money when she was 60. what the heck was i thinking??? what is wrong with me? i have been enabling these marrried kids for 3 years. they have now turned on me. how dare i expect them to share the $1000 electric bill? afterall, they have huge debts. and because they owe me money, they cannot be bothered to wish me a shabbat shalom or even greet me in the street. i have become a burden to them.
my son told me last week, that the perfect living solution for all of us would be, for them to move out and i help them pay their rent. they have been giving me less than $300 dollars a month to live in a 5 room apartment for about 2 years. i have been paying for the electricity, water, city taxes, gardener, and insurance all by myself, for the past 3 years.
they don't feel that it's right to pay me rent. however, they have agreed to help me with the utilities. they don't share the water bill because i use a lot of water on the garden. they now refuse to help with the electric bill because they claim that they are never home. they stiffed me on the january and february rent and they are absolutely, refusing to deal with the electric bill. my friend told me to let the electric company turn it off. i am screamed at on a regular basis when the water isn't hot enough for their 15 minute showers.
i know that this is hard to believe that kids can be so rotten. i also know that it is my fault for letting them in and putting up with their crap for so long. i gave them everything to start a home. i bought them bedroom furniture, kitchen appliances, a washer/dryer and refrigerater and i paid for all the repair bills, to boot. i paid for their heaters and now i'm struggling to pay for the electricity. i bought food for them and diapers for the first year. what was i thinking? i lent them money which was never repaid and i gave them gas money, whenever they needed it.
so yes, i created 2 monsters. i did this all because i wanted my son and grandson to have a great life. who sees my grandson anyway? he lives downstairs and i haven't spoken to him since purim. the only words that i hear on a daily basis are: 'turn on the water heater' or 'the water isn't hot". there is constant screaming downstairs. on friday i got my usual 'turn on the hot water' plea and for some reason it bothered me. i abruptly, hung up the phone and turned on the dude. it was on for about 2 hours. i was busy cleaning out the fridge and doing sponger. later, i heard more screaming downstairs. it was followed by a harried call from my son, asking me why i hadn't turned on the water heater. i told him that i had indeed, turned it on hours before. when he complained that there still wasn't any hot water, i freaked out and screamed that i didn't give a damn.
i know that it was immature of me to scream and curse. in my world, if you want hot water and heat, you pay for it. it isn't free. i did not appreciate my daughter in law accusing me of not putting on the dude and being dafka. i was also, totally shocked when she accused me of lying about how much electricity they consumed. i didn't even ask them to pay the whole amount. i wanted half. i am now not speaking to them. i told my son on friday that it was time to look for another place to live. he asured me that they were looking around. he also told me that he would never forgive me. what? never forgive me because they didn't get a hot shower before shabbat? or never forgive me for not being able to support a family of 5 on my welfare check? i know, for asking them to leave.
i know this all sounds wackadoo. in my world, when there is no hot water, i don't take a shower. i don't cry and i don't scream. i don't run up bills and not pay them. i don't heat the house because i can't afford it. i don't leave on all the lights because i can't aford it. i don't borrow money and not pay it back. i don't buy new clothes or shoes because i can't afford to. i say hello to everyone i meet and wish every one a good shabbat. i come from a world of the past. the new world is something very different.
i am heart broken at the thought of kicking the children out. i hate this anger that i am feeling. i hate the fact that i threw away all the money on the kids. i hate how the kids treat me. i hate their attitide and their ingratitude. if i had any money, i would go to india for pesach. i truly don't know what to do. i pray for peace in the middle east and in my home.