it is 10:a.m. in the holy city of zefat. the kids are pretty much moved out. i went downstairs to see the apartment. it looked ugly. all the kids things, that i mostly, bought are gone. it doesn't look like a home. i heard zvi singing downstairs. he is truly on a high. why not? this should be a really happy day. moving into their own apartment, finally, should be cause for celebration. i am feeling bereft. i wonder if things had ended on a less than volatile note, and they had chosen to move out on their own, if i would still be feeling so lost.
i asked my daughter in law, who hasn't spoken a word to me since purim, if they were leaving now. i wanted a proper goodbye. forget about hugs. we are probably, way past that stage. i wanted to wish them good luck. she is treating me like i'm the immoral landlady who threw them out for more money. i told my son, as he was driving away, that it wasn't nice how they were exiting. however, if you do have to go, this is the traditional time of exodus for our people.
i lost an extrmely close friend a few years ago, over a similar rental dilema. i did actually, ask her for a $50 raise in rent for the upcoming year. i was accused of betraying her and she never spoke to me again. this was a typical landlord/tenant issue but the players were best friends. here, the 'landlord' is the mother of the boy, mother in law of the girl and grandmother of the two children. it always seems that when i stop giving it away for free, employers, family and friends no longer want anything to do with me. i have to search my soul for the reason why.
i can only give the kids mussar right now but it will have no effect. i think the best way to handle this, is to appear relaxed, happy and confident. my unhealthy instincts are to beg, cry and plead for forgiveness. deep in my heart, i know that they will survive. they're young and israeli. i also know that my son really wants to be on his own. we have always had a slave/master relationship. i thought, wrongly, that once he married, our relationship would improve. instead, i ended up serving two masters. i'm an old fat drama queen and a complete fool!
i babysat for a 94 year old woman last night who has severe memory loss. in spite of her failing memory, she was able to relate to me that she always took money from her kids for babysitting her own grandchildren. she said that her time was just as valuable as anyone else's. she also said that my giving the kids so much was not all that unusual. in her opinion, it was what all moms do. she said that the only difference, was that my kids didn't show me any sign of appreciation.
i think from now on, that i will tell my 21 year old daughter in law, what's really on my mind, directly. what's the worst thing, she'll move out and not let me see my grandkids? been there, done that folks! i must not come off weak and desparate anymore. i will call her up some time and ask if i can take my grandson out for a while. if she says no, then it's no. i am going to stop playing the victim. i am not going down on my knees to them anymore. of course, this is all easier said than done. i went to war with 2 kids and i lost. or did i??? i guess, only the future will tell.