Back To Work

it is 11:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  I am officially back at the yeshiva.  I made dinner for them yesterday.  the kitchen is almost empty but there is still lots of chop meat in the freezer.  the new manager made sure to clean the kitchen before I returned.  the students had the run of the kitchen in my absence.  I spent a few days in Jerusalem with the kids during the break.  I returned to safed about a week ago and haven't left my house until yesterday.

I have been suffering from a pain between my shoulder blades all week.  I took a bad fall just before rosh hashana.  I do not know if this pain is a result of the fall or just a result of al the tension I have felt as of late.  it is hard for me to lift things and turn my head.  the pain is constant.  I haven't spoken to anyone in my family in a while.  this includes my son.  I am in a depression and have been overeating as a result of this.  I couldn't wait to get back to work.

unfortunately, I am not thrilled to be back, as it turns out.  I am a bit mad at the world.  my sister turns 70 but I am the one who feels old and irrelevant.  the pain in my neck doesn't help things, either. I am fantasizing about moving.  yes, I think about downsizing and even leaving safed.  I am in the process of getting rid of books.  even though I own many book shelves and have many rooms to display these shelves, I am thinking of the future when I may live in a small apartment.  so. I am throwing out books that I do not need or read anymore.  I have a huge bag of old judaica which is ready to bring to a site where they either bury them or burn them. 

I also have a huge bag of outdated English lesson books which I can't stand to look at anymore, either.  I may be able to get rid of these antique book shelves someday.  they are not in the best shape and I don't know if anyone will actually want them.  I don't think I would drag them across the country if I chose to move.  ikea have affordable simple, and stream lined, modern furniture.  these bookshelves are dark and heavy and very dated.  I find them to be a bit depressing.  I guess I find everything to be depressing.

I finally took down my sukkah on Friday.  my gardener actually dissembled it.  I took down the fake fruit and wall material.  I don't seem to have any core strength these days.  I am lacking power in my arms.  I keep thinking about painting the bars every year but never get around to it.  I also want to buy new material.  in Jerusalem, my son bought a sukkah for only 280 shekels; which came with the material as well as the top covering .  I have never seen material for that little in safed.  I wasn't sure if I was going to put up the sukkah this year.  I ended up using it for just one Shabbat when I came home from Jerusalem. 

everyone tells me that I am no longer young.  I know that I look ancient.  I haven't dyed my hair in years.  my face is beginning to line.  I feel like I'm totally obsolete.  yesterday, the manager of the yeshiva asked me if I can bend to reach the flour on a low shelf.  I actually, have a problem bending right now.  I felt like I was beginning to have a sciatic situation yesterday.  I can't really reach the back to apply arnica to the shoulder blades by myself.  I am not a happy camper.

I ran into my sister on the morning of yom kippur.  we had run into each other in may at our father's gravesite.  we didn't speak a word to each other.  this time, she actually wished me a happy holiday. she looked pained to see me.  I have tried very hard to avoid running into her for over a year. I stopped going to her neighborhood and didn't even go to the large supermarket.  I do not know what to do about this situation.  I actually wanted to hug her when I saw her.  I am the older sister.  she is my baby sister and I have always looked out for her.  I am alienated from nearly everyone.  I am in seclusion.