Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Chanukah 2014

it is 11:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. it is the last day of chanukah. the kids are back at gan. i have to pick them up at 2:00 p.m. i have been in a funk for days. can't seem to get myself together or out into the world. i turned up going to two chanukah parties. i am stuck in my own head. i tried to make chanukah memorable. my family was united over the last shabbat and i found myself unable to get over to my sister's for the reunion. it's not like i was invited but i still, wanted to make the effort to see everyone. i think it's the extra weight that is getting me down. i have no clothes, either. i'm stuck in my house robes. i went out before chanukah to buy choclate coins, coloring books, laizer dreidels and a chanukah cd to make it fun for the kids. i ended up not making potato latkes this year. i couldn't face it. one day i did make corn fritters. i made a dairy meal the first night. i served sweet potato ravioli with two sauces. i made a cream sauce for my son and a tomato sauce for my daughter-in-law who hates the cream sauce. i had the kids with me and they were occupied with the cd, dreidels and coloring books, for the most part. i made a dinner for my mother's 6th passing and it ended up being a chanukah party. i served lasagna, cheesecake, green salad, and bagget with garlic butter. we played dreidel with chocolate coins, sang all of the chanukah songs and played chanukah trivia. i spent hours researching questions to make it funny. it was a sweet night. i didn't get down to visit my mom's grave. i went into a decline right after the party. i have a brain mri in a couple of weeks followed by two hospital visits. i am in a bad frame of mind. i set up 3 chanukiahs all week long. the little kids were very happy to light candles each night alongside their dad, who lit the large one facing outside the window. yes,i poured the oil and added fresh cotton wicks each night. i did have moments of joy last week i will admit. i started to think that perhaps it is time for me to take some type of pill. i can't get happy. my son is on ritilin and a sister is on anti depressents. i binge eat all the time and feel pretty awful afterwards. the doctors are so willing to give me something. i don't know why i fight it. i don't have to make shabbat meals this week. the kids are having a shabbaton downstairs with friends. i am, of course, invited to join them. i am too preoccupied with the financial difficulties of the moment to feel free. i know i should have a better attitude but i don't. i am in a real zelda funk. it is a beautiful day outside and i should be out in the sun and not buried under my blanket. oh well.......

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