All Alone

it's been really quiet here this week. the baby's been at the other grandparents all week and i've been here all alone with my cartons of ice cream. i guess i've been drowning my sorrow, so to speak, in stuffing my face. i haven't heard from any friends or family lately.

i wonder if it had anything to do with refusing to take in my sister's mother in law for about three months. or maybe it had to do with telling off a friend after she corrected my grammar for the 100th time. perhaps it had to do with the fact that i also blew off a request from my son to use my credit card. come to think of it, the baby wasn't all that thrilled to see me a little while ago, either.

perhaps, everyone is just too darn hot. we have been going through a very hot and humid period. i've blown off all exercize this week and just stuck to a regimen of bed and icecream. i did make it to the senior citizens' center on tuesday, much to my discomfort. i started trying to spruce up the downstairs a bit but never got really far with it.

it's like i don't really want any company but at the same time i don't want to be alone. i am an habitual people pleaser and go out of my way to help others. when i occassionally say no to someone, it's agonizing for me. i punish myself like staying in and stuffing cartons of ice cream down my throat for days at a time. when i rarely ask a favor of someone and they don't comply, i get passively aggressive. i am so used to hosting everyone that i sometimes crave being alone or being served.

i know that we are all getting a bit fussy in our middle years, but it is sometimes hard to take. i don't enjoy socializing that much because i simply can't stand to be around a bunch of old fogies. women my age tend to be argumentative. i have a couple of aquaintances that go into rage mold. how fun is that! i tend to stay home and be by myself alot. how much fun is that?

i am going to get up now and get myself over to the aroebics class, somehow. that is no easy feat. i am sugared out to the max. i am just having my first coffee of the day. it's nearly 7:0 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.

it's been 4 years this week, since the second lebanon war. it's hard to believe that we had thousands of ketushas headed towards us in such a short span of time. we had hundreds fall in zefat. we had a few people die here. i heard a noise today and wondered if it was a bomb.

my head is not in a good place at all. i got to get off of the sugar once and for all. i have to learn how to say no without the guilt and anger. i have to learn to love myself more. i have to not let peoples' shortcomings and quirks get to me. i have to learn how to be a better person and have more compassion. i have to learn to ignore the stupid comments and not to internalize any of it.