Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All Alone

it's been really quiet here this week. the baby's been at the other grandparents all week and i've been here all alone with my cartons of ice cream. i guess i've been drowning my sorrow, so to speak, in stuffing my face. i haven't heard from any friends or family lately.

i wonder if it had anything to do with refusing to take in my sister's mother in law for about three months. or maybe it had to do with telling off a friend after she corrected my grammar for the 100th time. perhaps it had to do with the fact that i also blew off a request from my son to use my credit card. come to think of it, the baby wasn't all that thrilled to see me a little while ago, either.

perhaps, everyone is just too darn hot. we have been going through a very hot and humid period. i've blown off all exercize this week and just stuck to a regimen of bed and icecream. i did make it to the senior citizens' center on tuesday, much to my discomfort. i started trying to spruce up the downstairs a bit but never got really far with it.

it's like i don't really want any company but at the same time i don't want to be alone. i am an habitual people pleaser and go out of my way to help others. when i occassionally say no to someone, it's agonizing for me. i punish myself like staying in and stuffing cartons of ice cream down my throat for days at a time. when i rarely ask a favor of someone and they don't comply, i get passively aggressive. i am so used to hosting everyone that i sometimes crave being alone or being served.

i know that we are all getting a bit fussy in our middle years, but it is sometimes hard to take. i don't enjoy socializing that much because i simply can't stand to be around a bunch of old fogies. women my age tend to be argumentative. i have a couple of aquaintances that go into rage mold. how fun is that! i tend to stay home and be by myself alot. how much fun is that?

i am going to get up now and get myself over to the aroebics class, somehow. that is no easy feat. i am sugared out to the max. i am just having my first coffee of the day. it's nearly 7:0 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.

it's been 4 years this week, since the second lebanon war. it's hard to believe that we had thousands of ketushas headed towards us in such a short span of time. we had hundreds fall in zefat. we had a few people die here. i heard a noise today and wondered if it was a bomb.

my head is not in a good place at all. i got to get off of the sugar once and for all. i have to learn how to say no without the guilt and anger. i have to learn to love myself more. i have to not let peoples' shortcomings and quirks get to me. i have to learn how to be a better person and have more compassion. i have to learn to ignore the stupid comments and not to internalize any of it.

4 comments:

  1. U R a kind and giving person. U need to learn to give to yourself! I have coffee B&J I'll share with you and I always got chocolate - and on the healthier side:tuna,edamame,fish,chicken,soy,
    veggies,peaches,bamba,splenda,seeds.
    call/email me.

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  2. you are a kind and giving person. you need to also take care of YOU. as for ice cream and coffee....I buy B&J coffee ice cream so if you want another style of indulgence, plan a visit to me my friend. and I have fruit and veggies too.
    call,email.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think that list(in your last paragraph) are things we all need to learn to be better at. I hope you have a happy day today!

    ReplyDelete