I'm Still Here

it is midnight in the holy city of safed.  I just finished doing a touch up paint job on the wall in the roof top apartment.  a friend is coming tomorrow and will be staying upstairs.  I washed the parquet floor, too.  yesterday, I washed the bathroom and kitchenette and swept the bird poo and dirt from the balcony.  it looks pretty clean.  I will carry up the bed and mattress in the morning.  I do not have the strength right now.  I thought my friend would prefer the air-conditioned apartment but the breezes downstairs are simply wonderful.  I was cold last night with the fans.

my sister is coming for an extended visit on Monday.  I know she has trouble with dust and I'm not sure if the upstairs will be suitable for her.  as much as I cleaned my house; it is still dusty everywhere.  I just washed the kitchen floor with soap and lots of bleach.  I did the living room floor, too.  I still have pieces of toys and kids' chactchkas in the room.  I sorted out the puzzles and legos a while ago.

my son and family moved to Jerusalem about three weeks ago.  I watched the kids for a few days while they got the apartment in order.  I also cooked every day at the yeshiva.  the kids were in a day camp.  after they left I took apart the house, collecting toys and kids' stuff from every room.  I managed to organize it all except for a few pieces of stuff in the living room.  I went on hiatus from the yeshiva and went to Jerusalem to see the kids.  I was supposed to be there for Shabbat but I ended up staying for a week.  no one wanted me to leave.  not even my son.

I came back last week on an express bus.  it took us 5 hours to get back to safed.  I was exhausted.  I went to a friend for Shabbat lunch and then I went into a huge funk.  I didn't leave my house for an entire week.  I didn't get dressed nor did I bathe.  it was like an emotional shiva.  I spent all day and night watching videos about covert narcissists.  I was transfixed.  I went through my entire psychic life span.  I remembered so many more details of having been manipulated and used by certain family members.

I hardly ate but that was fine because I overate in Jerusalem.  we did have an extreme heat wave but I wasn't phased.  I was inside and my house was cool.  I spoke for hours to friends complaining about my sister with whom I'm estranged.  I was in emotional hell.  my friend was supposed to come on Wednesday and stay for Shabbat.  she changed her plans which gave me another couple of days to mope around.  on Thursday, I had a 2 hour phone call with my brother, the psychologist.  he actually helped me get out of my funk. 

on Thursday evening, I went downstairs and plastered the lower part of the walls of the master bedroom downstairs.  they were a mess.  on Friday morning, I got out of bed and showered.  I got dressed, too.  I went downstairs to do laundry and painted the freshly plastered walls.  it looks pretty good.  I then went to the supermarket to buy fish, cans of tuna, chicken cutlets, eggs, and a bit of fruit.  I still need to buy veggies but we can all go down to the supermarket together.  I bought tons of organic food for my friend who's macrobiotic and tons of protein for my sister who's diabetic.

tomorrow I am going to meet up with my friend in Netanya and we will visit a mutual dear friend together.  we had our last reunion about 4 years ago.  it should be great fun.  this is the first summer that I am not watching the kids.  it is a big change in my life.  I hope my visit with my sister will go smoothly.  I am afraid that she is on a mission to bring peace to the middle east between her two sisters.  in the meanwhile, my niece has been here all summer from india, and hasn't called, and her sister just gave birth and I wasn't notified.  the bris in on Monday in safed and of course, I haven't been invited.  so I stand up and move and get on with my plans to see my friends.  they are my family.